Let’s face the facts: Disney movies generally exist to tell an entire world of young children that in most cases, women who are often literal royalty still can’t get anything they desire without the help of male sidekicks. Some of the sidekicks can’t even speak. And yet there they are, scene stealing, taking the lead vocals over all the hottest production, getting on licensed merchandise and shit. The Disney male sidekick ego and purpose can only be matched by one other group:
After months of weighing scientific evidence, I have found the rapper who matches the personality and contributions of ten prominent Disney sidekicks. I believe this to be my life’s proudest work. I didn’t want to have children before taking on this painstaking and beautiful process. Now, I hope for many, many children. Just so I can have something to show them. Until then, I hope this makes you proud.
Sebastian was giving us hits.
An overwhelming amount of hits.
We just gotta be clear about this one thing and then agree to never debate it under any circumstances. “Under The Sea” is a banger. “Under The Sea” barely even classifies as a simple Disney song anymore. You can play that shit in the club and it would go up. If I pull up to the function on a crisp summer evening with the windows down and “Under The Sea” playing in the whip, the streets would respect it. That joint gets run in the streets AND the daycare. I’m legitimately disgusted thinking about how fire that song is. Like, how could someone give something that good to such a terribly undeserving world?
Which brings us to another instant Sebastian classic, “Kiss the Girl.” After watching Scuttle and Flounder (Remy Boyz) drop the ball yet again (a theme in this documentary film), Sebastian just hopped in the studio and produced a hit in like 30 seconds. My dude built a wall of sound. Had turtles being played by ducks, grasshoppers on the strings, flawless vocals. Fam, I would have played that joint at my wedding if I could have. In the little known 2008 prequel, Ariel’s Beginning, Sebastian is living on Atlantica (clearly pre-Redman New Jersey IMO) where music has been outlawed.
But wait guess what…
HE’S STILL PLAYING MUSIC IN THE UNDERGROUND CLUB AND ALL THE SONGS ARE HITS. HIS LOVE OF THE MUSIC IS TOO STRONG. THE STREETS WERE GOING TO GET THOSE RECORDS NO MATTER WHAT.
Finally, fun fact: Sebastian has two albums released under the Disney label. They are both critically acclaimed. I have heard them both from front to back on high quality speakers and can confirm that they are flames.
Olaf (Frozen ) – Drake. But like So Far Gone Drake. Not “I’ve been working out lately” Drake.
I don’t believe I need to draw any other parallels.
The Seven Dwarves were some wild boys, bruh. They had more jewels than they knew what to do with. There is an actual scene where one of them is just rolling a whole wagon full of gold and diamonds. Pretty much every lyric in the song “Handsome and Wealthy” describes an aspect of the complex life of one of the seven dwarves.
“Don’t know why I came in this club with you, girl / don’t know why I came in with these diamonds on my chain”
Dwarf translation: “Smh, clearly this random woman showed up and cleaned our cottage because she knows we’re rolling in ice. Sneezy, hide the diamonds, fam.”
In a film riddled with violence and an uncomfortable relationship with consent, the dwarves were there the whole time, peeping the jig. Just trying to protect their overwhelming amount of jewelry.
Okay, look. If you’ll allow me to get personal for a second.
Here’s where I tell the truth and say that I’ve never actually finished Mulan. I once put on Mulan during my sophomore year of college, a time before “Netflix and Chill,” when the only option for proper low-budget courtship was “whatever DVD your roommate left on top of the TV and Chill”
So, the truth is that I’ve only seen about 35 minutes of Mulan. I haven’t revisited it in my adult years, and I feel deep shame about that.
I get how Alice could look at the White Rabbit and be like “yeah, this dude seems like he has real purpose and a lot of real goals. Let me follow him into this darkness and it’ll just sort itself out later, lol bye cat”
But then you spend like 3 minutes in White Rabbit’s world and you realize that dude has no idea what the fuck he’s doing and he’s always on edge for no reason.
There is no better metaphor here than White Rabbit being late to everything, despite having a gigantic stopwatch that tells him the time.
But Meeko is a legend? Meeko changed the game is what you people are telling me? Meeko didn’t even make songs but he didn’t have to because “that’s not what he’s there for” is what I’m hearing? “Sure, Meeko just slept and ate a lot, but look BEYOND that to see his real contributions” is the move then?
As a small aside, Pumbaa is Nas. For reasons that could fill an entire book’s worth of pages, but also reasons that I will never explain to any of you. God bless.