All Men Must Die: Your ‘Game of Thrones’ Male Fatality Playoffs

Game of Thrones has been beating one phrase into our heads since the beginning of the show, almost to a point where you might not even realize it anymore. “All Men Must Die” This is basically the Thrones version of the ever popular “men are trash” (by the way, fellas, this doesn’t specifically mean you so much as it means patriarchy… which is, in fact, trash) but considering how the power dynamic has been gradually shifting towards a “ladies first” narrative, one can’t help but feel like the championship round of the Great Game is going to end up being all women.

With that in mind, considering we only have about a dozen episodes to go in the series altogether, blood will definitely be spilled — it’s just a matter of whose blood it’s most likely to be. So, in keeping with the theme, let’s take a look at which of the male necks is best fitted for the gallows.

Jon Snow

Jon Snow

Merits

The Bastard Gawd AKA King of the North AKA Second Silkiest Head of Hair in the Seven Kingdoms (because nobody’s hair beats Missandei’s) has definitely had one of the most pivotal evolutions in the show’s storyline. I mean, honestly, if you’ve lived this long in the Great Game, your storyline is almost obligated to get grandfathered up to that premium package with no ads and less travel time between destinations. Even though one of the great rules of this show is to not get married to any one character because nobody is truly safe, it’s been hammered home on basically every discernible level that Jon Snow is basically Middle Earth Jesus. The showrunners have found every opportunity to remind us that the Bastard Bowl 2016 winner has a large role to play when the Long Night comes.

Why He’s Eligible

He got killed once already for doing the right thing like his father-uncle Ned (who also got killed). He was brought back to life and kept doing essentially same right things that got him killed in the first place. Jon Snow has a tendency to follow logic instead of placating the fickle murderous masses. Because he seems to be the only person on this show who’s concerned about the army of ice zombies headed toward the Wall, he’s taking a lot of L’s with the general public to prepare like Bernie Sanders trying to dismantle Chase Bank and give folks free college.

Chances of Death

Possible. Even though he’s proven to be the show’s Impossible White Man and is basically in everyone’s Final Four bracket, doing the same shit that got you Nightshaded the first time is basically painting a bullseye on your forehead.


3 Rains of Castamere out of 10

Grey Worm

Grey Worm

Merits

Grey Worm has probably gotten the most enjoyable glow-up for all the blerd fans of the show. In addition to having the coldest shape-up in Westeros, Chocolate Achilles is maybe one of the baddest Soul Calibur DLC characters since Oberyn Martell. And most notably, he’s been dropping these warrior poet-ass Middle Earth Shakespeare-level bars to win the affections of Missandei.

Why He’s Eligible

If we’re being honest? On this show? Because he’s Black.

Chances of Death

Almost certain. Of all of our contestants, he’s probably spending the most time on the battlefield which definitely increases his chances considering Danerys’ “I’m With Her” campaign isn’t faring too well to begin the season. And let’s not forget that being Black on this show essentially makes Grey Worm a really talented Red Shirt. Taking that into consideration, along with the fact that he officially has a woman to worry about returning home to (instant death in conventional storytelling), it’s not looking good for our boy.


10 Rains of Castamere out of 10

Jaime Lannister

Jaime Lannister

Merits

First and foremost, he’s got prime placement in the great game. He’s in Cersei — the Queen of the 3.5 Kingdoms’ — inner circle since he’s family (and on-call bedmate simultaneously, but try not to dwell on it). He gets all the resources that money can buy to acquire victory. He’s out-Tyrion’ed his own brother strategy wise and taken Oleanna Tyrell off the game board. He’s been revered as the coldest swordsman in Westeros, but since the Bolton crew made him a Southpaw so he’d have to start from the bottom, we’ve yet to see him truly put to the test. So, he’s really like Rocky in Rocky III where we don’t know if he’s still truly the Gawd or just fighting dunces. Also, we’ve seen that he’s not such a Lannister that he completely lacks conscience. His time roughing it with Brienne of Tarth AKS Oathkeeper AKA The Jerome to Sansa’s Morris Day has shown him to be a man with more layers than Shrek. Anyone with a chance for a redemption this late in the game definitely has what it takes to make it through this last leg of the playoffs.

Why He’s Eligible

Because he’s in Cersei’s inner circle. Jaime’s sister-lover isn’t wrapped too tight lately. She’s salty at The Last Tyrell for not rocking with her after Cersei murdered her entire bloodline in her attempt to beat a court case. She drove her own son to suicide and called it betrayal. And now she’s got that vacant look like Katie Holmes during her marriage to Tom Cruise while Euron Greyjoy bookmarks pages in the Kama Sutra. Anyone as unpredictable as she is right now needs to be left to their own devices. The smartest thing Kingslayer could have done was get out of town. But he didn’t and he won’t. The problem with Lannisters in general is that the extent of their treachery and cunning stops right at the family tree.

Chances of Death

High. Lady Tyrell saw what we’ve always known in the final moments of her life. Despite their seemingly hereditary penchant for double dealing and intellectual viciousness, Lannisters are worse suckers for family than Vin Diesel claiming family in every Fast and Furious movie ever. The sad fact is that Jaime loves Cersei (on a few levels) and isn’t any more capable of turning his back on her than he was of giving up on Tyrion when he was looking at the Death Penalty a couple of seasons ago. And that love shit’ll get you killed in these Westerosi streets. Ask Robb Stark and Ygritte AKA Wildling Debra Messing.


9 Rains of Castamere out of 10

Euron Greyjoy

Euron Greyjoy

Merits

You have to hand it to the showrunners, they follow through on promises. They were confirmed saying that Uncle Fuckboy was even worse than the dearly departed Ramsey Bolton AKA Evil Frodo, and they are right so far. Not even halfway through the season yet and he’s already pissed in Team Khaleesi’s Cheerios no less than twice. Say what you want about the Iron Born, but if they can’t do anything else well, they can do sailing and murder. Euron Greyjoy is essentially that dudebro on Call of Duty with the highest killstreak because he has no problem camping out by the respawn point and knifing you in the back over and over. There’s so much doom and gloom on this show, it’s weird that it’s almost a breath a fresh air to see someone having so much fun even if that fun is derived from berating fan favorites like Yara Greyjoy, end zone dance dry humping in the throne room, and asking Kingslayer for pointers in the bedroom with his sister.

Why He’s Eligible

It’s not that he hasn’t backed it all up so far, but the Great Game is not kind to people who talk as much shit as Euron does. Jaime lost his sword hand. Ramsey got upgraded from Snow to Bolton and didn’t know how to act and look what happened to him. Walder Frey got full of himself and did the victory lap a little too hard until Arya showed up and faded him like Assassin’s Creed DLC. The best thing he could do is take the Kendrick Lamar route and be humble, but we know he won’t.

Chances of Death

Moderately High. In the process of making political friends in the Queen of a Few Kingdoms, he’s also making quite a few enemies. I mention this because Jaime Lannister looks like he’s had just about enough of this man licking his lips at Cersei. He may only have one hand but he still have two healthy legs to kick this dude’s ass with. I wouldn’t mess with a dude who pushed a little boy out of a window just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And let’s not forget he left Theon alive in the first leg of his Slaughterama/Slaughterpalooza/Slaughter Summer Jam. Reek has to find redemption sometime, right? Those are a couple of people I wouldn’t want after my neck.


9 Rains of Castamere out of 10

Varys

Varys

Merits

Varys is among the freestyle heavyweights of the Seven Kingdoms and probably has the most lit gossip blog on the continent. The “Spider” is like the TMZ of Westeros. He doesn’t have a famous family name, he’s not much good in a fight, but his prevailing talent is survival. This man has lasted through at least three different Iron Throne regimes and one Targeryan comeback tour. This dude has never held a sword in his hand and has outlasted some of the hardest people on the show.

Why He’s Eligible

For the most part, the Red Priestess has already called it. She implied that it was both of their respective destinies “to die in this strange country.”

Chances of Death

Umm…yeah. Let’s be honest. He’s had too good of a run. Nobody except maybe one other who we’ll get to later is that lucky for that long. The Thrones universe has a tendency to subvert tropes about destiny sometimes and sprint toward them in other instances, which is probably why the Red Woman has only been right half of the time.


7 Rains of Castamere out of 10

Ed Sheeran

Ed Sheeran

Merits

Well, he didn’t sing Dreaming Out Loud for the fiftyleventh time in his appearance, so there’s that.

Why He’s Eligible

Because Ed Sheeran, that’s why. Besides, the longer his lives, the more likely we are to get that collab with him and Bronn of the Blackwater singing Shape of You. So, yeah… he gotta go.

Chances of Death

He may not even show up on the show again at all, but if the Many Faced God is kind… maybe.


10 Rains of Castamere out of 10

Theon Greyjoy

Theon Greyjoy

Merits

Not many, honestly. He can be pretty good in a fight but he’s basically that one homeboy that stays going around the corner with those strangers that say they have quality weed and ends up butt naked, robbed, and handcuffed to the dumpster. I mean, normally the sympathy card would be appropriate considering he’s been through torture and borderline brainwashing at the hands of Evil Frodo, but he’s murdered children and turned his back on his friend just because he felt like the Cousin Oliver of the Stark household. Honestly, this dude has Jesse Pinkman’d his way through the show on pure luck for four seasons now.

Why He’s Eligible

His people hate him. His sister can’t protect him. He did wrong by the Starks. There are a lot of options to killing Theon Greyjoy. I’m just spitballing here but don’t forget that Arya is still out there headed for Winterfell and when she finds out how Theon was the beginning of its fall, I suspect she might dispense a little more poison pie justice herself.

Chances of Death

Pretty high. He’s come so far and done so much dirt, the only hope of repaying it is probably taking the ultimate L. Hopefully not before dealing out some much needed revenge to Uncle Fuckboy and saving his sister, Yara.


8.5 Rains of Castamere out of 10

Tyrion Lannister

Tyrion Lannister

Merits

If Westeros had a Shelter like in 8 Mile, Tyrion would be running that joint, dropping verses on the Free World every week. The Littlest Lannister has been spitting hot bars from day one with punchlines for days. He’s survived a King and a Queen (Regent) that wanted him dead. He talked his way into Death Row at least twice and walked away without a scratch. Easily a fan favorite, Tyrion has defied the odds and narrowly evaded his own family’s treachery since the first season of the show.

Why He’s Eligible

He’s on the chopping block because he’s probably the clearest in Cersei’s crosshairs. She may not be playing with a full deck at this point but Lannisters always pay their debts and she definitely getting good at her side gig which is dreaming up horrible deaths for her enemies. I’d hate to think what she has planned for the man who killed her father and (she thinks) her maladjusted son.

Chances of Death

Possible but not highly likely. Being with close proximity to the Mother of Dragons AKA the resident Impossible White Woman is basically a safe zone for most of the time (but not all… I hate it had to you, Ser Barristan). Being a fan favorite makes you almost invincible but only in a “some people will probably stop watching the show if he gets killed” kind of way like Daryl Dixon on The Walking Dead.


4 Rains of Castamere out of 10

Samwell Tarly

Samwell Tarly

Merits

Not applicable. OK, books.

Why He’s Eligible

At this point, working this bullshit internship as a medieval CNA in the Citadel, he might consider death a mercy.

Chances of Death

Nah. At this point it’s become pretty clear that he’s George R. R. Martin’s surrogate in the Song of Ice and Fire universe. His job is essentially to bare witness, document the story, and pass it down with his common law wife, Gilly AKA Wildling Juno.


1 Rain of Castamere out of 10

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4 Readers Commented

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  1. leyssallenne on August 7, 2017

    LittleFinger because we’ve all had ’bout ’nuff of him.

  2. Jascap on August 7, 2017

    How come littlefinger didn’t make the list? He’s going to slip up with sansa and arya is going to kill him for it if jon doesn’t get him first

  3. CB on August 8, 2017

    Come on! Littlefinger is soooooooo a dead man. He has to go. Bran? Probably not. Bronn? Probably maybe? IDK. The Hound? Dead. Ed from the wall? Maybe dead.

  4. Suny on August 18, 2017

    Awesome commentary in every recap. Please do these as video content. You could give Talk the Thrones and other recaps a run for their money. Also, Littlefinger.

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