An Open Letter To Apocalypse: What Are Thoooooose?!

Dear Apocalypse,

Off the bat I wanna say I respect you, and you are unquestionably one of the top 5 Marvel villains of all time. That goes without saying. You’re the man in the panels and you’re finally going to the big screen to get your shine in X-Men: Age of Apocalypse. This is your story, man. You made it, baby. The first mutant to ever do it is finally coming to theaters. You out here, dude. I see you… They even dropped that teaser image of your outfit. I know some folks been getting on you about how you look but honestly man, It’s not that bad.

Oh… oh Lord–… …. …. Yo I… grhmmm… Wooooooo! *not the good Ric Flair kind* Ummm. Yo listen Apocalypse, I’d never disrespect your choice of fashion, dude. Again, Pac, dude, I respect all that you’ve done for the villain game. This probably wasn’t your choice of style and everyone on the internet already dragged you for this, but here, I’ma do you a favor and give you the roast to put this to all to bed, alright? I only do this cause I respect you, man. Alright, this is tough love, man.

*Sets Timer*
*DEEP INHALE*

It’s 2015 and you dressed like Bad Pimp #3 in a blaxploitation film.
Sun, you look like one a retired California Raisin from the Raisin commercials back in the day. They don’t even have commercials for fruit anymore, man!
Lookin’ like the purple drink in the Sunny D commercials,
lookin’ like you ’bout to cameo in a McDonald’s happy meal,
lookin’ like Grimace got a goth emo son steppin’ outta Hot Topic,
lookin’ like you were too fancy for the Thriller video,
lookin’ like a discount mark down on Welch’s Grape Juice,
lookin’ like a high end quarter water,
lookin’ like a created character in Mass Effect with the tint all the way up,
lookin’ mad like Psylocke caught you in her outfit and made you get back in yours,
lookin’ like a Now n’ Later, b,
lookin’ like it’s ’88 and you ’bout to play a pick up game of basketball with the Revolution against Charlie Murphy.

Purple Reign

Lookin’ like you just leveled up to novice in an MMO,
lookin’ like an extra in the deleted scene from A Knight’s Tale,
lookin’ like the understudy for A Mid Summer Night’s Dream,
lookin’ like you in the same outfit as uncle Iroh in M.Night Shamalan’s The Last Air Bender,
lookin’ like you fresh out the background of Kanye’s Power video,
lookin’ like they got you out here in the prototype Buzz Lightyear suit.

I’m not sure if I should be scared of you or asking for directions to middle earth,
I’m not sure if I should be intimidated by you or asking if you got that in Urban Outfitters,
I’m not sure if you’re trying to do me harm or workin’ the corner at Times Square,
I’m not sure if you’re a villain or working the door at Magic City
I’m not sure if you’re Apocalypse of a living embodiment of when a rapper says, “interior the same as (insert generic food item, in this case eggplant)!

*TIME*

There man, it’s all out the system now. I even kept it light for you, man. It wasn’t that bad — now you got that weight off your back and can just focus on being a good villain for this X-Men movie, cause I mean… we need a hit here. I fucked with First Class but Days of the Future Past was kinda ehhhhhh between you and me personally. Get us that win, Apocalypse. Get us that win.

Are you following Black Nerd Problems on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr or Google+?

Tags:

  • Omar Holmon is Black Nerd Problem's Nerd Correlation Expert. No matter the topic, he'll find a way to link it to comics, pop culture, or some obscure reference that only six people will get.