They kept the theme song! They kept it intact! [Gets real close to your face, eyes desperate for your understanding, a well of tears forming in the corners.] They took the original theme song — one of the best, most memorable cartoon theme songs not just for a generation of millennials, but for the span of TV animation since its inception — and put a lemon-lime twist on the shit! They put the thang down, fli– [Falls to the ground, curled in a ball, fetal position, clutching inner child close to my chest.] Leave me here for a minute, y’all. [Editor: But Jordan, we still have to–] I said leave me!
Do you see now? Do you see?! Did you hear the good news of the coming of the Tales?! We got Huey, Dewey, and Louie back, son. We got Launchpad McFucking Duck in your borough with race cars, lasers, and god-damn airplanes. We got Webbigail back, b, solving mysteries and/or rewriting history because she’s undecided and wants to keep her options open so she won’t declare a fucking major til sophomore year. We got Bentina Beakley coming through at the breakdown part like when Kendrick blessed “The City” til you expected the beat to die out ’cause it couldn’t hold the strength of Mrs. Beakley’s frame so it had to drop out in the 12th round and lost by technical knockout. Fuck McGregor-Mayweather in August my g, where is September? My dude, they paid homage.
If you ain’t feel that shit from the opening lines then I don’t know what to tell you. If you heard those drums and ain’t cover your mouth with your hand to muffle a whimper of joy, you in the wrong place. If you ain’t replayed this shit twice already followed by a third after reading this column and mentally cross referencing every scene against your recollection then you are truly missing out on a glorious part of a wonderful life of cartoon nerddom. But that’s not you — you already know — and that knowledge leaves you the sole pleasure of geeking the fuck out over what appears to be a reboot that understands and honors its original. From the opening bar, man: “Life is like a hurricane” gotta be the toon equivalent of whatever hood anthem you love most. A whole editorial needs to be written on where Duckburg falls in cities from notable hood lyrics, somewhere below “Where I’m From” and above “Welcome to My Hood”. Let me find the time, family. Let me find the fucking time.
I’m crying. I’m inconsolable. Talk shit about the reboot, talk about your expectations, about how it won’t live up to the original, your yada yada yada’s and your blah blah blah’s but keep it the fuck out my face, b. ‘Cause if this shit is any indication? This shit right here? The homage paid and respect given? You know where to find me on Saturday, September 23rd — me with Twitter, Scrooge McDuck, and every right-thinking human who loves themselves enough to be in front of Disney XD when DuckTales returns.