Game of Thrones Recap: Beyond The Wall

Season: 7 / Episode: 6 / HBO

***Spoilers be staying warm up north, no matter what your sexual preference be***

Your Sunday Night Trivia Troupe / D&D Team / Destiny Raid Squad / Mass Effect 2 Suicide Pact making their way into the snowy wilderness and nothing about this shit looks promising. This looks like a setting that usually ends with muthafuckas debating whether to eat each other by the end. Gendry ain’t seen no cold like this before and asks Tormund how they dealt with it.

Tormund: Walking, Fighting, Fucking. The Holy Trinity to bettering yourself, nahmean.

Pomade Jesus gonna make note that there isn’t a woman within a miles of here, to which Tormund replies “I ain’t traveling all the way up beyond your wall just to be witness to your heteronormativity, fam.”

Tormund actually got mad bars in the beginning of this episode. He tells Jon that he must have been chillin’ with the freefolk too long if he talkin’ that refusal to bend the knee shit. Mance refused to bend the knee, most of his people got merked and he got burnt alive or killed by arrows or never got killed at all or…sorry. I think I suffered a mind meld between the show and the book. They are both so fucking different now it’s hard to keep them straight…

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Also, beyond Gendry not knowing how sex with no women present works, your boy is still pissed off about the Brotherhood selling him for fifty cents on the dollar to Melisandre. I mean, he ain’t wrong, but I’m not sure what him having feelings about it while trekking around the Arctic Circle gonna do now. Hound tells him to stop complaining about being sold for the purposes of sacrifice. They really acting like Gendry mad that someone cheated at cards or some shit.

King Pomade Jesus talking to the Lesser Mormont about his pops. He’s like yeah, I hate that he died like that, but we avenged him. Jon left out the part about these muthafuckas literally drinking out of his pops skull. They made the Lord Commander into a fuckin’ red Solo cup man. I forgot how bad that shit got. Jon start talkin’ up his uncle father Ned and saying he was the most honorable man he ever knew and still got that high and tight fade.

Lesser Mormont was like, yeah. Fuck that dude though…

While we all rooting for our team of misfit toys, it bears mentioning, during our current climate, that the Lesser Mormont was in Essos because he was a fucking slaver and only lived long enough to escape across the narrow sea because he was the heir to a great northern house. So not only was your boy running the plantation, but his divine privilege gave him more years. Kind of makes you wonder what side of the statue debate he would’ve been on.

Ok, I know this y’all’s Timberlake, but I’m kind of over Pomade Jesus man. We up here in Lambeau Field trying to pull off Mission Impossible 8: Frozen Shadows and now, NOW my resurrection, you want to give Lesser Mormont your fuckin’ sword? What ghost-of-honor-will-get-you-merked-Ned-Stark shit is this? That’s your fuckin’ sword man. You earned that shit. This dude snitched on his queen, kidnapped Tyrion, got blessed by a stoneman, got lucky enough to end up at the Cleveland Clinic where they got universal healthcare, got Sam to perform a miracle on him (because of his father) and he just walking back into getting the family blade? Nah fam. That shit goes to Lyanna or it gets returned to the earth. That’s fucking it. Sentimental Jon is fuckin’ killing me right now.

Look man. When you roll up on somebody and they start telling you an anecdote from the past without even turning around to look at you, THERE IS A FUCKING TURN COMING, YO. Like, don’t even stick around for it to happen. Just bounce. No good can come from you sticking around.

[quote_simple]Someone: I thought you went to talk to Arya

Me: Man, I did, but she started telling some intimate story instead of saying hello or some shit, didn’t even turn around to make eye contact with me and I knew that shit was going sideways so I just fucking left. She gonna have to come find me to finish that story bruh.[/quote_simple]

But Sansa stayed and Arya talks about how she started her rogues training, [Freeway voice] EARLY. Man, when that shit veered into it being about Poppa Stark, you knew what this was.

[quote_simple]Arya: Now he’s dead. Killed by the Lannisters. With your help.

Sansa: What?

Arya: [record scratch] It’s the Legendary Kidddddd Kapri, we gotta bring that back. [/quote_simple]

Arya lookin’ at her like, I said what I said. Then she pull out the bird and start reciting the bars, meter by meter. She start reading and Sansa is like, yo, you don’t have to read any more than that, but Arya acted like “OH AM I NOT LOUD ENOUGH, LET ME TAKE THIS SHIT ON TOUR THEN.” She walking around the balcony reciting the whole letter that Sansa wrote to Rob when she claimed that Ned conspired to take the throne from Joffrey. DAAAAAAMMMMMNNNN. I mean, Sansa done been through the worst shit, but as far as politics go, things are as bad as they’ve ever been for her. They done dug up her old problematic tweets and shit.

And yo, for the record, this ain’t some act, Arya is fuckin’ pissed man. She’s like, yo, I remember when they killed pops and you were out here on some runway shit, answering questions on the red carpet about who you were wearing for the event.

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Then Sansa tries to get fuckin’ Brody bout this shit. She’s like, you are only standing here because of me. I got Winterfell back, not Jon. I’m guessing Sansa thinks Arya gives a fuck about Winterfell still. She knew your ass was still alive Sansa, she just didn’t give a fuck. She came back cuz she heard Jon was King in the North. If not for that, Arya would be in King’s Landing right now trying to reenact Judith beheading Holofernes starring Cersei Lannister.

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But at least Arya says the illest and truest shit by bringing the most gangsta head of household into this.

[quote_simple]Arya: What would Lady Lyanna Mormont say about this. She’s younger than you were when you wrote this. What are you gonna say, you were just a child?

Sansa:….Fuck.[/quote_simple]

That’s about all that could be said man. Lady Mormont is like your Scottie Pippen fam. She may not be Jordan, but the North still ain’t winning a championship if she ain’t on the squad.

Man, I know this the longest fuckin’ walk cuz everybody getting some fuckin’ character development North of the Wall tonight. I feel like Tormund is just going around saying, “hmm, who haven’t I fucked with yet?” He roll up on the Hound for the sole reason of talkin’ shit. How can you not love Tormund at this point yo? Dude is just a loyal, hilarious, sexually fluid, crass badass man. The “Dog” says he’s got no problem with wildlings, just gingers, to which Tormund responds with a meme worthy quote that I’m sure will be on every redheads FB Cover photo. But also drops this gem toward Clegane.

“We’re kissed by fire. Just like you.”

How. Fucked. Up. Is. That. Clegane gotta be like, “I AIN’T EVEN DO NOTHIN!”

So much happens in this scene. Like, so much. Clegane teaches Tormund another word for his genitalia. Tormund declares his love for Brienne. Clegane hates Tormund even more. I don’t know what’s more entertaining about this scene: the fact that Tormund doesn’t like Brienne, HE’S IN FUCKING LOVE FAM. Or the fact that Clegane gotta hear someone voice their infatuation for the woman that almost Wayne Family in Crime Alley-ed him.

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Tormund out here plotting on the uterus man. Your boy got his 10 year goal plans laid out as soon as he gets Senpai to notice him back in Winterfell. Clegane gotta hate all this shit. This is like when Facebook gives you the timehop and it’s the note you got tagged in from your ex titled “My Liberation” or some shit. He ain’t trying to think about Brienne man. Not like dis.

Beric out of nowhere drops this cute shit on Pomade Jesus:

You look nothing like him. Your father. Must favor your mother.

One, that’s fucked up on go alone. That’s not some shit you just say to a muthafucka. Two, safe to assume that if Jon Snow were Black and Ned were Black, this line of dialogue would’ve never happened. By the time they reach their early 20s, every black boy been told they look like 37 other Black men that they share no distinguishable characteristics with besides melanin.

Back in Dragonstone, Daenerys by the fireplace telling Tyrion old war stories about him not being a hero. She’s like, yeah, these hero muthafuckas always doing dumb shit, trying to get themselves killed. Tyrion makes note that she just named every muthafucka that be sending her the “wyd?” text after the sun goes down. That includes Jon Snow, but she try to brush that shit off like “he’s too little for me.” Then immediately follows that up with, sorry Tyrion, I misread the room. Even though you’re the only dude in it.

Yo, why all of a sudden, muthafuckas been telling Jon he look like a place kicker this year? Is that some new shit, you get crowned King and all of a sudden your ass lookin’ like you can’t ride the rides at Space Mountain or some shit?

Tyrion and Dany start talking about this meeting of Kages and how Cersei gonna talk all the shit to try and rile Dany up. Dany is like, this shit bout to be a trap, you ain’t gonna let me do shit, so why we doing this shit again?

Tyrion also hit her up about her temper and brought that beat back about how she Kenny Rogers roasted the Tarly House off one exhale from Drogon. Also, dude tried to talk to her about a succession plan and YOU KNOW DANY AIN’T TRYIN TO TALK ABOUT THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. That shit must be like trying to talk to Jay Electronica about a release date.

Maaaaaan, listen. Your favorite Dragon Age Squad up in North Tundra with zero visibility.

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This shit lookin’ whiter than Robert E. Lee stans. This shit lookin’ whiter than domestic terrorism in the United States. This shit lookin’ whiter than Tina Fey talkin’ about racism. Through the blizzard they see a bear and of course Gendry is like, I don’t be getting National Geographic like that, but do bears have blue eyes? FUCK NO GENDRY THAT SHIT AIN’T NORMAL FAM.

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Bear star charging and the red shirt that was leading the scout party got all his edges snatched. Dude got pulled like a number at the deli, man. Yo, but for real, why this bear look like a baby T-Rex. What HGH they got these animals North of the Wall on man? Dude for real was the size of an Escalade. And, he tearing the squad apart. Literally. He grabbed Thoros the Red Priest aka Phoenix Down and introduced him to that Unreal Engine with the ragdoll physics. Your boy look like a fuckin’ chewy toy in that bear’s mouth, bruh. He look like the physical manifestation of when Black twitter is dragging somebody. But he only got snatched up cuz “The Dog” froze the fuck up. I mean, if there’s redemption for Clegane, he gotta buck up and not shrink to the size of a newborn pup every time they light a match, man.

That half polar bear, half woolly mammoth finally gets killed and the Phoenix Down is alive, barely. He gets those wounds seared and the party marches on into where the bear came from.

Ok, when all y’all muthafuckas was ready to bail on Sansa, I defended her. Nah, she done some thangs fandom. She bout to Cersei 2.5 this shit (cuz Margery was supposed to be 2.0 until she got that green tidal wave last season). She can rule the North.

Nah, she can’t.

First piece of adversity and she’s Shook Ones Part I and II with no Havoc production. Shit is all bad. But also, really fuckin’ stupid. She knows that Littlefinger is not trust worthy. Dude stay leaking shit from the administration. We bout to find out that Sansa was the 8th person in the meeting with the Russians during the campaign man.

Of course, this exactly as LRO planned cuz dude starting to plant seeds in Sansa’s head about how to deal with her sister. Some shit she had to be resistant to before. And at least meet LRO outside during the day or in a large dining hall with a fire burning. Talking to him in shadowy rooms with barely any light source is his place of power. Its like fighting Ra’s al Ghul right after he gets out of the Lazarus Pit.

Back up in Minnesota in January, the crew finally comes upon some wandering regiment of wights led by one white walker (important distinction moving forward I would assume). Apparently this is the scouting party cuz there’s only like 8 dudes instead of like a billion of them. They ambush them and taking the fight to these dead muthafuckas when Jon hits the white walker with that dead alive whatever his current state of not living is, but first this muthafucka done let out a banshee scream. Basically it’s the most unabashed snitching possible.

I guess this be the wights version of poppin’ that green smoke cuz now all the undead muthafuckas are on their way. Jon knows the crew, carrying a wight and a dying Phoenix Down ain’t gonna outrun these dudes, so he sends Gendry back to Eastwatch so that they can get a raven to Daenerys, cuz she’s the only one that can help them…I mean. Sure, I’m not even gonna get into that, we’ve come this far, right? Gendry starts his marathon training sans hammer and the rest of the squad starts making a run for it in the opposite direction. They hit an ice patch and that shit start breaking like the narrative logic of this episode. But I mean, either they take a chance on this ice or they get devoured by this rave of wights. I guess I’d take a chance at that subzero bath too.

Important Point of Information / Inquiry here: So, remember when we were told back in season 1 that you were re-animated if you died beyond the wall? Hence, the fire. That was before we knew Ice King Magneto existed. So do you have to be resurrected by a White Walker to come back or do you still automatically come back depending on where you died at? Cuz if its the latter, quiet as kept, they probably should’ve just let Phoenix Down bleed out from that bear fight and saved themselves this trouble. I’m just sayin. And that might seem like some cold shit, but lets not forget that Jon once ordered the hanging of a 10 year old boy, so lets not act like this out of his wheelhouse.

Gendry collapsed in front of the Eastwatch Wall, but the brothers were looking out for him and get his message that he needs to send a raven. That. Impossibly. Fast. Raven.

Man, if this were an Indie Rock band, I’d call these dudes King Pomade and the Immortals. Ain’t nothin’ killing these cats, apparently. Two of them have come back from the dead 7 times between them. One of them is the only person of record to survive Greyscale as an adult. One got shoved into a barbecue as a child. And Tormund has probably survived about 8 different types of STDs trying to stay warm beyond the wall. These cats on an island while with literal zombie apocalypse surrounding them on all sides separated by some thin ass ice. Phoenix Down is fuckin’ dead man. Which always sucks when you realize you got a big boss fight coming up and all you got is low level potions and no resurrection items in your inventory.

These cats out here plotting but there are no good plans. And why would there be, cuz this was a terrible fucking plan to begin with. This is getting into Iraq and wondering why no good exit strategies spring to mind fam. Jon having a stare down with Ice King Magneto, who up on the hill with his starting five. Squad lookin’ like the Cavs in the East man, like they ain’t even bout to be touched before the Finals.

icekingmagneto

Ok, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I’m hoping that this sonnet from King’s Landing is fake and part of a ploy by Sansa (maybe) and not some conveniently timed (read: badly written) summons that happens to remove Brienne from Winterfell. The fact that Sansa immediately burns that shit doesn’t bode well either. She tells Dark Knight of Tarth that she’s been summoned to King’s Landing, but she sending Brienne instead of going herself. She like, you ain’t got shit to worry about, Jaime still got your IG pics saved and shit. But DK of Tarth is like, nah fam, I’m worried about LRO roaming the grounds while we wait for our offender database to get updated. Sansa sends her packing anyway.

Aiight, lets walk through this: If she’s taking LRO’s advice, she would’ve definitely kept Brienne there as it would’ve helped her safety against Arya. So it only makes sense to send her away if Sansa plans to proactively do some shit against Arya so Brienne won’t be there to protect the young wolf. Or, it’s all spectacle for LRO. I’m praying to the Seven it’s the latter cuz I really can’t deal with this staggering amount of new dumb shit.

LOL, fam, can we talk about this wireless communication Raven towers that Westeros has installed? Ravens are fucking instant now. What happened, did they train some Ravens to enter the Speed Force? Bran using his warg abilities to make his consciousness jump from animal to animal like Fallen?. How they just gonna skip Skytel Two Way Paging and jump straight to text messaging?

Well after Daenerys facetimes with Jon, she throws on THE ILLEST ALL WHITE EVERYTHING garb to go save him. Nah man, Daenery’s fit needs a minute. This shit look like Vogue’s “Women of Power” Issue. She out here serving looks, yo. Tyrion begging her not to go because if she dies all this shit is over. All of it. But Dany forever on that, “Yeah, bad shit happens when I listen to you Tyrion, so I’m doing the other thing now.”

Back up North and the wights still just waiting these cats out in the snow like Assault on Precint 13. Kissed By Fire Clegane is bored and throwing rocks at the wights. Fam, get KBF a fuckin’ fidget spinner or something. I’m not making light of a very real disability, but if your ADHD gets me killed by fuckin’ zombies, you and I gonna have all the words in the afterlife b. So of course the second rock doesn’t hit a wight but lands well short and skips across the ice, not breaking it. Yeah…thanks for that fuckin’ trial balloon KBF. Seems like the crossing is safe now.

And, here. We. Go. The Immortals start pulling out all their leveled up weapons. Longclaw. Lightbringer. Baratheon Hammer Don’t Hurt ’em. Dragon Sais. This shit is officially on.

beric

They fighting these undead muthafuckas off left and right and there is no shortage of these dudes charging the hill. Man, literally the only person I cared about living, including King Pomade Jesus was Tormund and dude almost died. All. The. Deaths. Shit for real had me shook.

And right when Jon was standing on the ledge of the hill thinking, yep, it’s possible I made mistake, here come Drogon with the napalm chopper. Dead muthafuckas just exploding from the 100 bars he laying down. Danny done came through with the mythical creatures for that save, trying to lead this fourth quarter come back.

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Drogon touches down on the hill and everyone gets on. EXCEPT FUCKING JON. Anybody, any-fucking-body want to explain to me why everybody done booked their seats on the dragon shuttle and Abercrombie Beyond the Wall is still fighting wights a good 30 feet away? This is like when you see someone arguing with a troll on twitter and you just tweet them that “wyd?” Of course, all this makes time for Ice King Magneto to remember his glory days of when he led the White Walkers to the City Championship during his senior year.

But why your man’s hand Ice King Magneto the spear like this shit was Training Day doe?

giphy (2)

Maaaaaaan, WHY ICE KING MAGNETO SPEAR VISERION LIKE TOM HANKS DID THAT FISH IN CAST AWAY AFTER THE TIME JUMP?!?! Your boy threading the needle like fuckin’ Aaron Rodgers man. Just fuckin’ flexin’ after that throw.

aaraon-Rodgers

But, yo, the fuck man? Just like that, Viserion is as fucking dead as the Targaryan he was named after man. Your boy crash landed on the ice rink and sank to the bottom of that shit with the quickness. Shit was fucking devastating.

dany1

But 1) After that shit with the scorpion, how Daenerys ain’t have her dragons out here running some air maneuverability drills? All that free time on Dragonstone, they should’ve had these muthafuckas out here working on their agility and shit. Two, yo, where the fuck was Rhaegal at man? Your boy just disappearing in the fourth quarter like Kyle Lowry. Rhaegal’s plus minus gotta look like an apology man.

Ice King Magneto grabs some more ammo and is about to throw that corner post to Drogon but Drogon is like, nah b. I done caught a regular spear in the wing and you killed my brother? I ain’t trying to stick around for that bullshit. Your boy took off and didn’t clear that shit with air traffic control or nothin.

King Pomade Jesus, who looked like he got jumped into a wight gang and plunged into the water, once again, resurrects from that liquid frostbite and pulls himself out. Wights couldn’t let dude just sneak off could they? They start storming towards Jon and it looks like the end but Uncle BENJEN, THE BEST UNCLE THAT EVER WAS AND EVER WILL BE comes through with his horse and his fire mace taking out wights and letting Jon escape. Dude lasted like 7 seconds against the horde, but whatever, the sacrifice is what counts.

Dany still at The Wall refusing to leave until Jon makes it back, even though The Lesser Mormont in her ear like, yeah, that dude dead af though your grace. We should go. But of course, here come Burberry In the North barely living (by Jon Snow standards anyway) on horseback. They get dude inside and strip him down to the white meat so that Daenerys finally sees dude’s Prelude to a Ressurection scars. Yeah, that’s the literal deep cuts and now Dany knows that “took a knife to the heart for his people” wasn’t a figure of speech.

Back in The Young and the Winterfell, Sansa is up in Arya’s room, I guess looking for the note. It’s a fucking note man, not a 40 pounds of gold dragon, why wouldn’t Arya just keep that shit on her? But nonetheless, Sansa snooping around and finds the faces in Arya’s poncho. Fam. This whole scene, Sansa looked like Clarise the first time she interviewed Hannibal Lecter. Arya is like, want to play the game of faces? Sansa is like, nah, fuck that. I wouldn’t play fucking pinochle with you right now and I don’t even know what the game of faces is! Arya rolls up on her like, yeah, I could get your face too sis, run Winterfell like I owned the muthafucka. Then, she gonna hand Sansa the knife she was holding just to punctuate “Who gonna check me boo?” Sheeeeeiiiiittt, I hope Sansa got a safe word to use now considering that she knows Arya could appear as anybody.

(also, I’m praying to the Old Gods and the New that Arya does in fact use Sansa’s face to approach LRO and get him to confess to some shit cuz this manufactured sibling rivalry making me catch hives man).

I’m just gonna breeze past this shit cuz…I hated this scene yo. I’m sorry, I did. I’m not saying that Dany can’t have an emotional side to her, all I’m saying is that we’ve watched Dany crucify slavers, burn honorable lords alive, set a hut on fire and murder a ton of Dothraki men, lock her former adviser in a vault to suffocate to death and on and on and on, but she getting weepy at Jon’s bedside cuz she finally sees dude got the letter “C” carved into this chest? Aiight man. Ok.

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Like, I know some of y’all are rooting super hard for this here incest, but I’m just trying to get back to this gangsta shit. Jon does go ahead and bends the knee, horizontally, from his back which is like, the least he could do for getting one of the only three dragons that has existed for thousands of years killed.

Fam, I have so many questions. Like, what Menards is still open in the North where you can get that many feet of chains?

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Who dove under the ice to wrap the chain around Viserion’s in the first place? But yes, the fucking White Walkers, who somehow didn’t bring any of their giants to this fight with the Northern Wet Squad, now have a gotdamn dragon. Zombie dragon. This shit is like arming Al-Qaeda all over again, man. Things are, definitely, 100%, to this point, as bad as they’ve ever been.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

  • Show Comments

  • Erin

    I literally wait for this recap every week. It is the first one I read LOL

  • CJ

    πŸ”₯ post! New reader here and the recaps are FAWESOME! I’m cackling at my screen with each read. Had me waiting like Tyrone Biggums yesterday LOL http://gph.is/1yikp3T

  • Telly

    You said everything I was thinking. I love the hound but they need to flog him (and Pomade Jesus) for making shit worse. Thoros is dead bc of him and they all almost took a L because he wanna play red rover wit dead ppl. Smh

  • Terri

    You are LIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE! The only addiction (your writing) that rivals my addiction to the show. Keep up the great work!

  • Scotchy

    Your recaps are the best.
    Seriously THE BEST!!!!!

  • Angel Laboy

    White walkers just recruited sandragosa

  • blu

    another gem, fam. Thanks…..but WHERE can I get Dany’s coat? I neeeeeed that in my life!!!

  • Alonzo

    Fam, Burberry of the North, every week you bring the heat!!!!

  • mimey

    YES….over Danerys and Jon….no, no, no, no….tired of it already

  • JJ

    You the real MVP of this site!!! Everyone knows this. Maybe it’s time to be a free agent.

  • LayDeeblue

    Made. My. MORNING!!!! I can’t EXPRESS how MUCH I ANTICIPATE this RECAP!!! I H8T you for that Fidget Spinner though!!!! LMMFAO!!!!!!

  • KindaUglyButImCoolTho

    I pretty much don’t consider an episode completely watched until I read your re-cap. I was thinking the same thing, “why he grab that spear so damn cool?”

  • GoTfan

    Omg! You are hilarious! The time/space continuum on the show is getting a little shaky….fell out on Skytel reference…lol!!

  • EricJ

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

  • J.

    Always a pleasure! Big Red was the GOAT that episode!

  • Brooding on Clifftops

    This entire episode was just a long-ass setup for the Blue Eyes Wight Dragon. Think Ice King Magneto needs to go by Westerosi Seto Kaiba from now on.

  • Sula

    “if your ADHD gets me killed by fuckin’ zombies, you and I gonna have all the words in the afterlife b.”

    For real, for real!!! What kind of fuckery was that???? People kill me mayne!

    I legit live for your recaps. Lol.

  • april

    YOU. Are a motherfucking musical genius…i laughed til i couldnt breathe….i’m done…thank u…thank u….

  • Bethsarim

    I literally laughed myself to tears reading this, YO!

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