Everyone is excited about the Mario Kart inspired go-kart course opening up in New York, but I got a question. Where the items at? How am I supposed to know this is real unless I got items ready and available for me to distribute the Queen’s (any Queen of your choosing, I’m going with Dascha Polanco) justice. Now you may be saying, “Omar this real-life Mario Kart track is about living out childhood nostalgia. Being able to race through courses from a video game of our youth. Having some good spirited fun.”
Which sounds like a long-winded TV sitcom dad monologue to say, “There are no items” and if that’s the case, I want no parts of this. I’m out. Nah man I’m out. Yeah, I said it. Don’t you sit there and look at me like I’m the crazy one for wanting real life lightning on a real life Mario Kart track. If you’re out here saying Mario Kart is about fun and spending time with friends then you have forgotten the face of your father. Mario Kart wasn’t about fun, Mario Kart was about a family-friendly version of the purge on a race track
Let’s not forget how each incarnation of the Mario Kart game to this day, still reveals the villain you truly are to yourself. I’m not here to romanticize a damn thing about Mario Kart. I still remember the face of my father. Mario Kart is a ruthless vile game of thrones cups and I expect the real life track to be the same.
That being said, there better be a track for the kids and the folk that came for a good time and shit as a front for the word of mouth secret race track, where you go down to the basement for the underground level with the Mario basement music bumpin’ and walk out and see the real-life rendition of Bowser’s Castle.
I better have to sign a waiver before I get on the track. That’s how I know this is the real deal. I’m not here for sportsmanship. I’m here to slam into somebody and sending flying into the wall like Lightning McQueen when he blew out his knee in Cars 3. I’m here to “murder you *racers* worse than a convertible flippin’ vertical. Nose-first with the top off landing upside down.” I’m only showing up if there’s a graveyard of Karts that look like Optimus Prime when he died back in ’85, you understand where I’m coming from?
Which brings me full Baby Park (die-hards will get that) to my original question. Where the items at? Is there a kart with a cage around it to represent the Invincibility Star? Do I get real life banana peels to throw and drop? Giant barrels painted as turtle shells? How’s the lightning bolt attack work? Where the jumps at. Is that real lava around the corner? Where’s the actual blue shell (not that I ever needed it)? Is it bring your items to the shindig? I need to know what the system is here cause somebody gots to go.
Now I’m not here to kill anybody’s joy. If you want to race around all smiles and gum drops with the bumpers up so you don’t fall off Rainbow Road. That’s your right. I’m just saying that for those of us that do this for real, there better be some actual haunted ghosts appearing on the track (fan service at this point), I need pissed off stone dudes stomping down and rising up, I need that danger to be real and present because it’s only Mario Kart if you make it out alive.
*grabs camera and pulls close to face* It’s only Mario Kart… if you make it out alive.
Those of yall that still don’t get what I’m saying, it’s okay. My Mario Kart is different from yours.
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