Open Letter to the Weak Bloodlines of Gamers United Who Are Pissed At Far Cry 5: Alt Right Gamers Gotta Pass The Sticks

You know the guy in your office that is terrible at his job but has also been there forever, so nobody can tell him shit? Yes, I said he, because there’s an 84% chance it’s a guy. And he hates everything new. Which is fine, because everyone hates him too. And the general response to any fuckshit he does is, “ugh, that’s just Tyler being Tyler.” Let’s call him Tyler. And yes, Tyler, because there’s a 94% chance that he’s White. And Tyler is annoying, but mostly just that. Because Tyler might not like that your assigned lunch hours got changed recently, or that you need special characters for your log-on password.

But then, there you are, just doing your day to day tolerating Tyler fuck shit when Shanice got promoted, and everybody was like, “good for her.” But Tyler starts off his commentary like, “I’m for affirmative action and all…” and the whole office is like WHOA Tyler! Because 1) You didn’t want to stereotype Tyler, but you knew fam. You always knew. And 2) Because, contrary to his icebreaker comment, Tyler is neither ok with, nor does he actually understand affirmative action anyway. Tyler also doesn’t see color and once compared the Affordable Care Act to slavery.

Gamers United, who launched a Change.Org petition against Ubisoft this week, is basically the version of Tyler that likes first person shooter games. Look at this shit, yo. LOOK AT IT. Nothing says “wrong side of history” like the use of “miscegenators” in your argument. I wish I could say that Tyler is just a fragile snowflake, but there are so many Gamer Tyler’s out there, then it’s more like a fuckin’ blizzard of the most delicate all the time. How fuckin’ empty of any meaningful pursuit of sunshine do you have to be to rail against Ubisoft, of all companies, about their portrayal of White people?

Don’t let Ratonhnhake:ton-my-name-ain’t-Connor Kenway fool you, Ubisoft, been struggling with diversifying its characters in non-tokenized ways, so the lack of awareness here is amazing. Especially since the phrase used is “Enough is enough,” but this is the first Far Cry game where you aren’t in a country outside the US, usually as a White dude, murdering the locals, so where was the first, “enough?” This time, Gamers United is mad that the villain of Far Cry 5 is a White religious zealot….

far-cry-5-cover-art.jpg.optimal

Oh, sorry, that was it. That was the punchline. This shit is serious, fam. Can’t you tell by the big red ex through a video game cover modeled after the Last Supper that this shit is serious?!?! I wish I was inventive enough to make this shit up, but I did not make this shit up. And here’s the thing: Is this a fake petition? 5 years ago, I would put this at 90% fake. Three years ago? 70% But today, yo? In the age of us not calling Nazis fucking Nazis? I think we’re at a coin flip here. But considering this shit was at 1K signatures and Ubisoft actually felt compelled to show the full cover art that includes a Black person as a part of the villain cult, to ensure it wasn’t White nationalists…are you comfortable assuming shit was always a joke?

I thought an openly racist candidate in 2016 was a joke too? You know what, enough is enough cause I’ve delayed this shit long enough. Put some time on the clock and let me get in my multicultural lecture zone right quick:

***Deep Inhale***

Gamers United lookin’ like the Tea Party with a PS4 Pro in the living room.
Gamers United lookin’ like the dudes that Gamergate thinks is extreme.
Gamers United lookin’ the Sarah Palin street team.
Gamers United lookin’ like a Bill O’Reilly viewing party.

Gamers United lookin’ like the villains in Sam Wilson’s Captain America.
[Gamers United refers to Sam Wilson as the Black One.]
Gamers United lookin’ like a Mein Kampf book club.
Gamers United lookin’ like a Ted Turner VIP backstage pass-winner.
Gamers United lookin’ like a Blue Lives Matter march.
Gamers United lookin’ like season 28 of Duck Dynasty.

farcry5a

Gamers United lookin’ like Richard Spencer’s legal action.
Gamers United lookin’ like they ain’t racist because they once listened to 2Pac
in their friend’s brothers, roommates room once in college.

Gamers United lookin’ like Control + Alt-Right + Delete.
Gamers United lookin’ like an Andrew Jackson memorial.
Gamers United lookin’ a Civil War reenactment that makes the South win.
Gamers United lookin’ like a Sandy Hook conspiracy theorist.
Gamers United lookin’ like subtitles make them itch.

We gonna act like Gamers United ain’t the dudes that saw Dylan Roof
and were like, “but I understand.”
We gonna act like Gamers United ain’t wet the bed till they were 14
and paid their Latina maid not to tell anyone?

We gonna act like Gamers United don’t toss out all the brown M&Ms?
We gonna act like Gamers United didn’t “forget” to invite Muhammad to the class reunion?
We gonna act like Gamers United don’t still eat iceberg lettuce?
We gonna act like Gamers United don’t wear sandals tube socks?
We gonna act like Gamers United’s only Black friend is their dad’s caddie?

far-cry-table2

We gonna act like Gamers United won’t be pissed
when they find out how Keanu Reeves identifies?
We gonna act like Gamers United ain’t a New England Patriots fan?
We gonna act like Gamers United ain’t liked the NBA since Larry Bird retired?
We gonna act like Gamers United ain’t working in sanitation,
but is mad that Arjun in IT is taking all the jobs?

Nah, Gamers United likes Pineapple on their Pizza, fam.
Gamers United been divorced twice, has two kids graduating next year
and still wears his High School letter jacket.

Gamers United is still pissed off about LaLa Land.
Gamers United is protesting the Alamo Draft House over the Wonder Woman premiere.
Gamers United seasons their chicken by opening the kitchen window.
Gamers United been suffering from Economic Anxiety
before they knew what either of those words meant.
Gamers United rocks a “Miley Cyrus was right” shirt.

far-cry-5-1

Gamers United had to stop posting White genocide over The Force Awakens
to create this Change.org protest document in the first place.

TIME!

Phew. Man. I’m exhausted. I’m spent like a newly created email address that is used to anonymously make racist comments online with. White supremacy is so, so tiring sometimes. I don’t know how we do it fam. I have no fuckin’ idea.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

  • Show Comments

  • Stephanie Hairston

    *slow clap*

  • ProfWilsonIndeed

    This has me rolling while I deal with the 3 Tylers in my office today. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

  • ProfWilsonIndeed

    Best Intro Ever.

  • Arjun

    Actually… Im a graphic designer…

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