Season 3 / Episode 4, “The Tombs” / AMC
We back in it now! Daniel is in the lion’s den, and Gilligan is on the island y’all. The whole mess is #ungodly.
The Patron Saint of hitters is back! But first, he’s got a meeting with the devil himself! After the elevator from Hell drops down to the ninth level, all types of fire and brimstone come through the door! Satan is wild casual with this meeting with the Saint, and is eerily reminiscent of an 80s businessman but with the body of mid-90s Hulk Hogan. He’s wild brolic for no reason! His personal assistant is the Angel of Death (in a fly leather pantsuit!), the floor in his office is literal fire, and he’s not happy with how the Saint blew Hell like a popsicle stand in season one.
Satan is like, “Aight, so boom: God dipped and heaven and Earth are open for the taking. If I’m trying to take over His corners, my rep needs to be flawless. You leaving Hell without permission is making my name look sus, and my name IS my name! So, you gotta pay that back, in blood!” The whole thing goes Mortal Kombat real quick: two Scorpion type spears shoot through the Saint’s hands and suspend him off his feet! The Angel of Death busts out a bullwhip and goes to town on the Saint. The Saint just eats it too, not a flinch, like a G! Cue opening credits.
We jump right in with Tulip in Madame Boyd’s parlor with the nine millimeter pointed at her dome. Y’all need to know, I am partial to Ruth Negga’s work on this show, because she does all the badassery one woman can do! Madame Boyd hits the power switch, and the metal plates come down on the windows. Tulip’s in a tight spot, against insurmountable odds, outgunned, with no backup! What does she do? She goes John Woo in this shit! Grabs the SMG off a henchman and shoots a circle in the floor! Her and Madame Boyd are gone!
We come back to young Jesse, getting his Michael Buffer on in the Bayou basement! Jesse is talking his shit like Russell Crowe in Gladiator, the top hat and coattails are in full effect! Welcome to the tombs people!
As Jesse refs the OG MMA pay-per-view basement spectacular, we are given insight into how the tombs run. Jesse hooks folks into services from Grandma, knowing they’ll never pay their debt fully. After Jesse and Jody come to collect, Madame L’Angelle takes their souls and gives them to TC to put in the basement and await their day in the tombs. When the match starts, each fighter is given a gigantic dose of adrenaline that TC himself has brewed up (who is this guy?).
The last match ends too quickly, so Jody enters the ring. Jody saunters through the crowd with all the swagger of Bret ‘the Hitman’ Hart. Jody proceeds to body whoever it is, and Jesse needs to pick the next contestant on ‘to catch a beatdown.’ Jesse heads back and tells TC they need a fighter; TC clicks a remote that moves a chained-up wheel of fighters around. It’s like the character select in a fighting game, but sad and macabre. The sight of these poor souls sticks with Jesse, knowing he lured each one of them to this fate. As Jesse picks, TC warns him about the girl he goes to see at night. Jesse pretends not to know what he’s talking about. Also, the show must go on.
Cut to: Cassidy versus the tenure track pedophile aka ‘SciGuy’! Live from the tombs!
Jesse is doing his circus thing and riling up the crowd. By crowd, I mean about five strangers and the crew from huffers anonymous. It’s looking like a close fight, add to that every time Cassidy hits the floor he looks over to the bottle of love potion he had made for Tulip for inspiration. He finds the strength, then mollywops SciGuy with a mallet to the face!
As Cass lays in pain, Jesse plays the game in front of Jody and TC, then kicks Cass square in the face. Jesse sends TC to fetch some blood for Cass while explaining the perks of having a vampire around to Jody. Jesse tells Jody to get the truck so they can pick up supplies for the next fight. When they are both away, Jesse tells Cassidy he’s got an idea to get him out, and it won’t be fun. Jesse proceeds to hack Cass into pieces with a machete.
We come back to Tulip and Madame Boyd doing ninety miles per hour on a back road en route to Angelville while being chased by the Boyd entourage. Tulip gets busy behind the wheel and gives the gang the slip. After driving in circles for a bit, Tulip asks Madame Boyd why she hates Jesse so much. Boyd goes in on her past with young Jesse, and it’s a doozy.
Back in the day, a young Jesse L’Angelle was getting to second base with a no-frills young lady named Sabina Boyd. Jesse was also cool with Sabina’s brother. Sabina plays no games. She questions if Jesse is still into that girl in Texas (young Tulip), Jesse plays it cool like, “Who? Tulip?”. Sabina decides she’s ready to go all the way with Jesse, tells her older brother to leave, and strips down. Meanwhile, Jessie is getting dressed. The warning from TC rings in his mind, and he can’t shake it. In an attempt to save Sabina from his own family, Jesse breaks her heart in brutal teenage fashion. He really ODs on her, calls her trash, and throws dirt on her family name!
We rejoin Jody and Jesse while they make a bodega run for the next bout in the tombs. Jesse offers to get some frozen yogurt for Jody, lies, and hits up the bootleg FedEx next door. After reading the strict guidelines for sending a parcel, Jesse buys a big box, fills it with packing peanuts and carefully places Cassidy’s severed limbs in the box. He throws in a few blood bags to make sure Cass gets where he’s going feeling better than he is now.
In the Tulip-mobile, Sabina is being roasted by Tulip for having her heart broken as a kid by Jesse. Sabina offers that her story isn’t finished.
We return to the tombs of yesteryear, where young Jesse is doing his circus thing in the tombs and asks for two fighters. He’s shocked when a fighter volunteers himself, and it turns out to be Sabina’s brother! He straight up asks Jesse,’ you think you better than me and my sister?!?’. He follows that up with a spear tackle that takes Jesse to the ground! After a few punches, Jesse ends up on the defensive end but gets his hands around his opponent’s neck. Jesse then chokes out Sabina’s brother, his lifeless body collapsed on the ground. The story prompts Tulip to hit the brakes and (seemingly) let Sabina out of the car.
In the present, the tombs are full again and patrons are eager to see the next fight. Jesse riles up the crowd and gets the bloodlust up and gives one of his great prefight speeches. TC turns the corner to let he and Jody know that Cass is gone. Jesse, free of the burden of protecting Cassidy flips his hat up and starts a sermon that could turn the lights out on Sunday Mass.
He. Went. Off! Right as he’s getting to the business about an absentee God, in walks Cassidy. Bloody, tired, a little worse for wear, and an Irish shillelagh taped to his arm! He’s ready for war! Cassidy takes it right to Jesse but gets the brakes beat right off of him.
Jump to: Tulip at a red light at the crossroads, seemingly giving up on finding the road back to Angelville. She puts her head to the steering wheel to rest right as ManDog/God rides right by her car and inspires her (without her knowledge) to find the way back to Angelville.
As Tulip pulls up to the L’Angelle estate, she spies someone running to their car and back in a hurry. She follows them back to the tombs and arrives just in time to see Jesse put a stake right through Cassidy’s chest! To make his point, to match the horror on Tulip’s face: he barks at her from close up about how he’s stuck, and they (Tulip and Cass) need to leave, now! Cut to: Tulip in her car as SciGuy pulls up to the window! For clarity, he’s talking, but Cassidy’s voice is coming out! Cass pulls SciGuy’s skin from over his face to reveal that he is completely fine. Tulip drives away with Cassidy.
Further away from Angelville, Cassidy is still trying to convince Tulip to run away with him. Tulip not only curves his advances but puts his ass on a bus to New Orleans! The whole time she’s talking about going back for Jesse, Cass is clutching the love potion he had Madame L’Angelle make for him. He never uses it, instead he tells Tulip he loves her. She says, “Well, I never loved you.” Cassidy departs. Tulip tears up.
We head back to Angelville where Tulip confronts Jesse about his protective and untrusting ways. She gives an ultimatum to be trusted, Jesse concedes, and they get it in for the night. Tulip startles awake the next morning like she forgot to turn the oven off overnight, heads outside, and pops the trunk of her car. Madame Sabina Boyd is chilling, phone in hand, finishing up a few texts, swiping on bayou Tinder, and gingerly steps out of the trunk. They speak briefly about the spell keeping Jesse captive, Tulips asks one more time: can it be broken? Sabina says, “Yeah. Kill his Grandma.”
The Saint has taken his lashes for the team, and now Satan is ready to make a deal. He offers the Saint the opportunity to pay for his freedom with one last bounty, but there’s a catch: no guns and bring the bounty back alive. The Saint retrieves his duster from the Angel of Death and before putting it on we can see that ALL the skin on his back was whipped off! The white meat and his spine are showing! The Saint is a G though. Last we see, he’s slowly walking to his ride up to the Earthly realm.
Episode four ends.
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