Ready Player One Trailer: Put Your Quarter Down and Come Get This Arcade Ass Whooping Gamer

Photo via Entertainment Weekly

[quote_simple]”Call me a gamer, it don’t matter the phrase,
I’m so deep in the game boy and I been at it for days.”- Zach Lost [/quote_simple]

The year was 2012. The place was Newark, New Jersey in the post-Hurricane Sandy. There was no electricity, no power, no phones, no internet my g, it was all deaded. For entertainment muh fuckas had to talk to each other, resort to board games, or read. I decided to read a book I was given as a gift months earlier. That book was Ready Player One BY Ernie Cline. Dude, that book is the historical homage for gamers. Period. It’s Hackers meets Streets of Rage meets Scott Pilgrim vs The Universe meets Bourne Identity meets everything you ever loved about the 80s.

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Long story short in the future of 2040, the real world is shit. There’s a virtual reality world that has everything, it’s called Oasis. The creator James Halliday left an easter egg in the game which causes a world wide treasure hunt. These hunters after the treasure are called Gunters. Wade Watts (Parzival if you with the shits), a kid from the Stacks (trailer parks stacked on top of one another) uncovers the first key and meets a famous Gunter Art3mis in the process. Wade, Art3mis, Aech [Wade’s brother in arms], and two others make the scoreboard for this Halliday’s Egg. A corporation named IOI wants that easter egg, the hunters that work for this corporation are called Sixers. This is where shit gets crazy filled with espionage, muh fuckas getting 86’d, and the greatest raid to ever take place in fictional history

Flash forward to 2017, I’m hungover (I don’t have to explain myself to you), in the bathroom (you’re getting the whole picture) bout to shower, and I see on twitter that they done fucked around and dropped the trailer for Ready Player One? I’m like nah, already? They got my guy, Wade Watts out here?!

Dude, I watched that fucking trailer and sobriety washed over me. I could have ran a fucking marathon, I could have gone and got my Crossfit on, I could have put together a business portfolio for an interview for a bank loan to get my artisanal coconut oil hair care products side business up and running, my god. You see that shit? You see Tye Sheridan as Wade Watts doing light weight parkour in the stacks? Listen, when you gotta fucking do a superhero gear up scene just to go into virtual reality?! You know shit goin’ be flames.

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Y’all saw the Oasis? The Oasis graphics out here making Tron look like Sega Genesis, my guy. The Oasis graphics making The Lawnmower Man special effects look like Virtua Fighter. The Oasis special effects looks like a diss track to Avatar. I’m talking “you made it a hot special effect, I made it a hot movie.” I’m talking take over beat in 8-bit on repeat.

You can’t tell me Steven Spielberg wasn’t nodding his head directing this shit while quoting Kendrick Lamar and shouting, “WHO THE FUCK YALL THOUGHT IT SUPPOSED TO BE?!” as that Delorean bends the block for the 23rd take and he’s shouting “Again!” A camera dude comes up to him and says, “Mr. Spielberg I def got that Delorean doughnut shot. Is there something I’m missing?” and Spielberg’s like, “Oh, I know. I just want everyone to realize how fucking great this is. Again!”

What are we even talking about here my guy? Did you see the Iron Giant cameo (gotta be someone’s avatar)? Are you kidding me right now? How the fuck is the Iron Giant in this shit? How’d that shit get past legal? Was that in the contract? Was Ernie Cline like, “If I give yall RPO, I want the Iron Giant in this piece. No questions asked” “Done. No prob-” “and I want Freddy Krueger getting clapped the fuck up.” “Okaaay, kinda random but sure.”

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Listen, I’m a huge comic book guy and this is my first time having loved a novel and seeing it come to the big screen and my god. It’s got me looking at the sky as it rains like Vegeta. I had to go up to the roof of my job and look up at Mufasa before I wrote this shit because I know this shit right here goin’ be the cult classic. This shit right here goin’ be my Star Wars. No light Sabers, just controllers. This is going to be the movie that I’ll buy the hard copy of (fuck you, physical media is still alive) and my grandchildren will uncover after rummaging through my attic on their jetpacks and ask “granddad what’s this?” and with a tear digitally falling down my cheek because I am nothing more than code and numbers after merging with the internet, I’ll say, “Sit down and let me tell you the hardest nerd shit to ever grace us fucking peasants.”

Fuck me up Ready Player One. Fuck me all the way up. March 2018, I’m ready.

[quote_simple]”Players grab ya joy sticks, Ladies rub ya pixels.
Load up on your missiles, sniper rifles, and pistols”-Zach Lost[/quote_simple]

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  • Omar Holmon is Black Nerd Problem's Nerd Correlation Expert. No matter the topic, he'll find a way to link it to comics, pop culture, or some obscure reference that only six people will get.

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  • Evil Ninja (@EvilNinjaX24)

    So, how do you really feel about it, O?

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