Season 2/ Episode / The CW
I’m not even going to bullshit yall with the regular intro. Nope, we’re jumping right into this cause that ending this week? Wooooooooo, that ending tho. So we’re up in the metahuman prisons of Star Labs. Flash is talking to the now incarcerated Dr. Light. Barry point out all the plot holes in Light’s plan to kill Earth one Linda Parker.
Barry: Liiiiiike, where would Zoom had known to look for Linda’s body if you tried to kill her as if it was you dying…also wouldn’t he assume one of you is still alive since he wouldn’t now which is the double? Cause…”
Dr.Light: OH MY GOD! Alright my plan was bad. I GET it man, just lemme go.
Barry: Look I’m just trying to follow your logic cause that shit makes ZERO since to me. Are you really a doctor or like a Dr. Pepper or Dr. Dre type doctor cause ther’s soooo many plot holes in that plan. You should just team up with me to take Zoom on. What’s that? I ain’t ready for Zoom? Eh… I’m good.
Barry tells everyone up stairs that D.Light is going to help them with the plan to bait Zoom out. Everybody got the, “we just going to act like she wasn’t trying to put the lazer pointer through you JUST the other day? Okay”. Barry thinks it’s as simple as fan fic’ing his death at Dr. Light’s hands and tossing his emblem through the breach as proof that he is dead. Wells was working on a speed dampener to use against Zoom, all he need is for Cisco to build a gun, burner, choppa, to shoot it. Caitlin talkin the most sense cause everybody actin like Zoom isn’t eating, breathing, and sleeping Speed Force. Wells says the element of surprise will be on their side. Caitlin wants Joe to interject with some reason cause they don’t hear her tho.
Joe West: ….I’d keep it simple and fire a hot round through’em but let go with this speedster dental damp…dampener whatever thingy. Caitlin and Cisco lemme holler at you about this thermal dynamic question I got cause there’s this level in FallOut *walking away from wells* and I just *looks over his back*Aye,
Caitlin: Joe come on man you really going to trust him?
Joe: Cisco I heard you can do some weird shit or something? Vibe’n? Whatever do that shit with Wells. Now, I actually really do need help with this FallOut 4 level tho.
We get a flash back to Earth 2 of Wells being a DIIIIICK to his employees as his daughter Jesse Quick (we paying homage out here) comes in to talk about how Jay Garrick called his ass out for being responsible for the metahuman outbreak. Wells is on some, “Aye sometimes you gotta just break the door in for science, when has that ever hurt anyone… except with the Tuskegee experiments, and taking Henrietta Lack’s cells without telling her or her family or giving them any of the profits from the work/ cures that her immortal cell line has produce–…Okay, ignore what I just said about those examples.” Jesse Quick saw the punk in her dad real quick.
Back on Earth One (so fucked up how they just called themselves Earth one like, there wasn’t even a vote) Patti is delving more into Dr. Light’s powers and Joe West tells her to cut that shit out cause that case is closed. Patti knows something is up, she runs into Barry and tells him she might need a reminder bout that whole kissing thing they did as well.
Meanwhile, Iris is assuring Linda Park that Flash is taking care of Dr. Light. Split screen to Star Labs as Cisco goes down to Light’s cell to deliver food, he sees that shit is empty except for her clothes still in there. Okay, here’s my thing, if I know I closed that cell and it was locked when I left and I come back and just see clothes in there? I’m not opening that shit to investigate, I’m askin’ aloud “Are you basically standing in the cell naked doin some shit to make you invisible? Or you’re not going to answer me? Okay, ummm I’m just going to go back and review the security tape we keep on the cells in a totally non voyeur way.” Apparently, Cisco didn’t think of that cause this dude opes the cell gets decked by a now invisible Dr. Light (that can only turn invisible by being buck naked evidently and she escapes).
Wells is looking around at the team sayin, “See you shoulda sedated her! Ughh I can’t with yall… I just can’t”
Straight up and down Barry ain’t about putting his plans on halt to draw out Zoom. The Speed Dampener is almost done, and he still wants to go through with the plan. Joe drops that reason on the room tho, “Soooo I’ma just say what we’re all thinking. Umm maybe the universe is saying don’t do this dumb shit. No? Barry & Wells don’t agree? Okkkaaay.” Joe catches up with him to see what this is all REALLY about but Barry on his ol DUMB (out) shit. He ready for this speed drive by on Zoom.
Joe: Let’s get Jay back he knows Zoom.
Barry: Nah he don’t wanna “Help me get killed” fuck all that waiting shit man. Come on, whatever happened to life isn’t always about defense? Sometimes you gotta be on the offense, didn’t you tell me that?
Cisco tries to get close to Wells and touch him to catch a vibe but Wells is on to him and tells him, don’t you come over here tryin’a feel me up on that soft ass, ‘Mati with the heart ring from Captain Planet’ weak ass vibe power you got. Sheeeeeeeit, Earth 2 Harrison Wells baby, I don’t play no games. I will danger zone you Crisco.” We then get another flash back to Wells on Earth 2.
First of all, Oh shit. Earth 2 Arrow is actually Robert Queen? Niiiice. Secondly, that broadcast was interrupted cause Zoom ran up in Jesse Quick’s school and yanked her ass. Which is how Wells got black mailed into trying to take down Flash, although apparently he has gone rogue.
Patti thinks Joe is giving her the cold shoulder on the Light case cause he knows she and Barry been doing the face time in real time (kissing. Get it? That was fuckin’ genius. Come on). Joe hit her with the too much information look and promised her he wasn’t upset with her but even though she was being transparent with him, he still wasn’t being that with her. At the West house Linda is panic baking due to the fear of Zoom possibly comin’ for her now, or Dr. Light. Barry and Iris then get the idea to use Linda as Dr. Light in order to bait out Zoom. Yeah, horrible idea. They set up Linda to meet Flash and see if she wants to do it, it’s her decision.
Personally, I woulda been like naw but Linda Park is more down than I am. The team sets up a mock trail for her to test out the gloves that Cisco made to emulate Dr. Light’s power. Dr. Light left her costume behind so Linda is rocking that now and lookin’ exactly like her Earth two counterpart. Linda will need targers to practice and here is where we see that Cisco has a cardboard cut out hobby.
Again, Joe West says the plan is straight up butt cheeks and potato salad but Cisco is with it.
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa so that went….Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. It’s clear to everyone that Linda isn’t ready for this but Barry. He ain’t stopping it tho, Joe corners him in an elevator.
Joe: What is this about man? Do you feel cheated that it wasn’t you that took down Reverse Flash..
Barry: who?
Joe: Oh, sorry. The Honey Mustard Flash.
Barry: We all took him down. That was a team effort.
Joe:… …. …. Eddie fucking plaxico’d his damn self to erase Honey Mustard Flash from history. He shot himself, like what part of the team effort is that? Sooo let’s just say that if this was a group project, then he did about ehmmmmmmmmm 99.9% of the work on that one. Look I’m just saying don’t bring Linda into this for the wrong reasons.
Barry then goes to Linda as Flash to settle her nerves and reveals to her that he is indeed Barry Allen. I don’t know why everyone gets to know heroes identities now. I feel like it’s a new trend. ANYWAY, so Linda’s part of the club now. They go to the dock to continue their ruse. THE DIALOGUE BETWEEN THEM FOR THIS MOCk FIGHT WAS SOOOOOO HORRIBLE AND HILARIOUS!!! IT WAS GENIUS THO.
Cisco was so disgusted with the dialogue thooooo! “This fan fic needs a fucking editor cause I can not.” Wells and Joe were waiting to snipe out Zoom when he appeared through the breach. Linda threw in Flash’s emblem into the portal but nothing happened…for like an hour. Barry was layin there cosplayin’ dead and then realized Zoom wasn’t bout to fall for this weak shit. Wells storms off on some, “This fucking amateur hour shit is killing me” tantrum. Joe talks to Barry and sees that HMF’s words that Barry won’t ever truly be happy is geting to him. Joe tells him to stop lettin’ that man troll him from the grave and to get out in life and go for what makes him happy. That being said Barry shows up at the police precinct to surprise Patti with some make out face to face in real time action.
Iris and Linda are talkin’ about the weight of keeping Barry’s secret and possibly joining a cross fit, but shit gets real when Linda walks out the door.
ZOOM UP IN LINDA PARK’S FUCKING GRILL LIKE HE BOUT TO GET HIS SUMMER COOKING ON! I actually thought the show was going to stop here but that shit kept goin, I’m like yall only got like 4 or 5 minutes left? Surely we ain’t bout to see them fight? OH WAS I FUCKING WRONG FOLKS. Iris put the call into Barry that Linda got GOT. Zoom is on top Star Labs and chucks Linda off Gwen Stacy style, I’m talkin like Joker did to Rachel in Dark Knight. Barry catches her and tells her to run. He then takes the fight to Zoom by charging up lightning attack. He bought to do the shit Jay taught him. Barry ran around trying to get mad speed for it,
Basically he was doing the “<------ (hold 3 seconds), -------> +Punch” Guile Street Fighter 2 motion. Yeah, Zoom bout to get that lightening bending work! That Chidori/ Rakiri, that muh fuckin PSE&G light bill action.
HOOOOOOOOOOLY FUCKING SHIT, HE CAUGHT IT?! HE FUCKING PRINCE ZUKO REDIRECTED THE LIGHTNING?! THE FUCK PART OF THE GAME? Okay what’s barry going to do next? Run up the side of the building? Okay, seems trash but ok– wait, oooooh he bout to fight him using zero velocity to eliminate his speed! It’s going to be a free fall fight where speed isn’t a factor. Nice! Okay good thinking Barry-
Wait, did Zoom just wrap his legs around Barry to catch him and give’em the ground and pound in the air AS THEY ARE FALLING?!? Then land on him and stab him with the fuckin speed dampener in the god damn chest?
Meanwhile at Jay Garrick’s place he just finished fixing himself a bowl of late night cereal.
Jay: Lemme just turn on the Star Labs security feed and see whA—HOOOOLY SHIT, BARRY IS GETTING HIS ASS BEAT!
Meanwhile
Jay Garrick: annnd this is why I kept suggesting Barry actually learn how to freakin fight… *mocking Well’s voice* Ohhh you’re faster than Jay ever was, you should be mentoring him eww–rweeww– Yeah good job with the fucking BB gun you Dick. Alright, It’s not that bad it’s not like Zoom is going to literally drag Barry through these streets just to prove a—
Zoom ran up in fucking Central City’s news station with Barry in his hand talkin that shit man! Like the ass whooping is one thing but you ain’t have to LITERALLY world star Barry like that, I said god damn.
Meanwhile
Jay Garrick: Point. Really? That’s just over kill Zoom. Alright, so it’s going to be embarassing on twitter for Flash for a while. It’s not like he’s gonna run up in Barry’s job next an–OH COME ON!!!!
ZOOM IS THE FUCKING ULTIMATE VILLAIN TROLL YO! HE RAN UP IN BARRY’S PLACE OF WORK! HE IS AT CENTRAL P FUCKING D SMOKING THAT LOUD AND TALKIN THAT SHIT ALL OVER THE PA SYSTEM WHILE HOLDING BARRY LIKE HE’S A FUCKING BLACK & MILD.
Zoom: Oh, yall just goin shooot me while I’m talkin? *sucks teeth* rude.
Meanwhile:
Zoom is parading Barry in these fucking streets while checking his twitter TL.
@RiseOfTaj *Charlie murphy voice* Zoom had Barry's legs lookin' like LINGUINI! #TheFlash #DatFlash pic.twitter.com/OgIbSN2fCW
— Black Nerd Problems (@blknrdproblems) November 11, 2015
He ran back up in Star Labs. Barry’s fucking hang out spot just to keep talking that shit man. He basically beat Barry’s ass and did a spur of the moment fucking book tour about it.
Meanwhile
Luckily Cisco had the awareness to go and get the fucking chrome. He shot Zoom with a spare dampener and nailed it. Dude got the fuck outta dodge. However, it looks reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal shitty for Barry. I ain’t ever seen a hero get beat like that on Prime time television. that’s the kinda ass whooping you don’t shake off or get flashback from till like season 9.
Joe comes in and is immediately pissed. This was a bad idea, Barry wasn’t ready but fucking Wells 2 kept pushing him and puttin the battery in his back. Well now Joe is putting Wells’ back to the wall LITERALLY. Cisco steps in and reveals that he did vibe with Wells 2 and knows his daughter is still alive. Wells has actually been trying to stop Zoom and he thought Barry could assist but he was wrong. He was also Lucky Jay wasn’t there to say, “I fucking told you so.” On the real the fact that Jay isn’t there eating hot cheetos waiting for Barry to wake up, just to tell’em, “Mmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmm. And what did we learn from that shit?”
Barry does wake tho and he has flashbacks of getting his ass whooped and Zoom breaking his ankles with mad cross overs but for some reason, he can’t feel his ankles. Man, wanna know how badly Zoom broke this dude’s ankles?
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The Flash is immobilized, got world star’d, his ankles broken and can’t go on twitter for at least a year so these trolls can stop @’ing him with memes of his legs lookin like angel hair pasta with the lobster sauce BEAT. Man, Barry better phone the squad to roll on this Zoom too cause he is not equipped for that one on one.
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Show Comments
Clemic Lewis,Jr.
Hilarious and accurate. Excellent recap