Season 3 / Episode 19 / The CW
And you say C-City!
Been a while since I dropped the C-City intro, but this episode deserved it. The Flash returns from its Spring hiatus to bless us with Speed Force Gawdliness! We got a frosty Cailtin Snow givin’ 0 fucks. We got future revelations from one extreme to the next. We got some of the most depressing storylines we’ve seen, and we got one of the dopest tag teams we’ll ever see on The Flash. Let’s jump into it folks.
Caramel Love Nest: Iris and Barry are in dimly lit light lookin’ like the prime example of interracial romance. Barry is talking until he realizes that Iris is all the way absent. Guess she on this whole “I’m going to die and my boyfriend can’t do anything to stop it but go to the future where I’m motherfuckin dead.” Thing kinda takes up a lot of space in your head.
S.T.A.R. Labs: Killer Frost has just awoken the icy force inside her. Thanks Draco Julian Sprung Dickfoy. Killer Frost hopped up out the hospital bedddd and turned her savage on! Took a look at her old friends and said you’re done! She out here fuckin’ up everything and AYEBODY. She turning the lab and all the equipment into glaciers. Cisco, Joe and Julian hightail it the icy hell out of there and into the Pipeline. There was some really..how do I say.. over-dramatization of the team making it underneath the closing door. As if Frost was directly behind them. As if they weren’t going to make it into the cell. As if HR really needs those stupid drumsticks that bad. I was like, da fuq they bein’ so extra for? Luckily that was followed up by some actual humor. Frost opens up the cell door like, “Yo dummies, I may be evil but ya girl still got fingerprints. So, who wants to die first?” Cisco supposed to be the smart one too.
Before the homies could catch the fade, Flash shows up and knocks his former friend back a few “I’m unfuckwittable” feet. She gets up, ready to show the team how icy her heart really has become. But before she could get them icicle daggers off, Flash rocks her into next Tuesday like you know he should! Frost is blasted outside the pipeline entrance then builds up a liquor-store-bulletproof-window inches thick Ice wall so she can make her escape. Flash looks at the ice door like, “She forgot who the fuck I was B?” And Phases through that frozen doorway but she gone into the frozen night.
The team does a whole bunch of arguing and debating about what to do about Caitlin’s evil transformation and settle on taking 5. It was one of the most realistic conclusions the team has come up with in ages. Barry decides this is obviously the perfect time to take a field trip to the future. Cisco lookin at cha boy like he on some fuck shit, but Barry reassures him he has a plan. Cisco hit him like, “Bruh yo ass ain’t got a clue how to get to the future. Last time you did that shit was off some random luck.” Barry clapped back like, “But I got a lighting quick Kid Flash to help out this time.”
Apparently Kid Flash is so fast (3X What Barry can produce or some shit) he can propel Flash into the future. They hit the Speed Track and whip up that future portal juice and Kid Flash proceeds to E. Honda hand slap Flash into the rip in space and time. How Flash fall out the portal and immediately wind up tossin’ hands with Top and Mirror Master tho!?
They was beating his past ass too. Well, until he gets his wits about him and hits em with the ill speed leg sweep move and skates on outta there. He runs directly to what remains of the decrepit S.T.A.R. Labs, where Cisco awaits, happier than ever. Cisco straight up beside himself to see the Barry that he misses and feels he deserves. Cisco leads him down to the lab and fills him in on Top and MM, the current state of Central City then imagines a world where he gets his best friend back. Barry heads out to take it all in on his own.
Aaaaannnnnddd who does he run into? No one other than Barry Allen of the future, or as he seems to want to be called, Emo Barry. If there was ever a superhero posterboy for Fall Out Boy and Panic at the Disco, it’s 2024 Barry Allen.
HOLLLLLLLLL UP! I cant let this atrocious hair do pass me by all nonchalant and shit. Somebody set the timer, cuz I’m bout to go all the way in on his choker and black combat boots wearin ass.
Barry hair lookin’ like a 6 week old decayed possum.
Hair lookin’ like the hurt cousin of Oliver Queen’s island hair.
Hair lookin’ like a mob dipped in tar.
Lookin’ like an eel orgy.
Lookin’ like a high school custodians favorite cleaning rag.
Lookin’ like 2 month old spaghetti chillin’ in the fridge fermenting.
Lookin’ like a thousand black mambas mating.
Lookin’ like a dehydrated earthworm based bird’s nest.
Barry out here lookin’ like Sheldon Cooper with Polio.
Lookin’ like a Phil Pickles on heroine.
Lookin’ like the South Park emo kid king.
Barry out here lookin’ like the new Shea Moisture dingy whippin’ boy.
Shit was that bad folks. That. Bad. Anyway, Emo Barry tells OG Barry that he should go back to the past and spend as much time with Iris as possible, because on the night of May 23rd, 2017 Savitar will drive a gigantic blade through the chest of your one true love. OG Barry refuses to accept that he is helpless in this fight to save Iris. He asks for anything that may help but the emo one got nothin’ for our boy so OG Barry decides he’s gonna head back and do every single thing that he can to stop The Speed God. Only one problem, Barry can’t open up a portal so he’s stuck in 2024. Since he’s stuck in the future, Cisco decides to show Barry around town so he can see exactly how the team is doing these days.
[title type=”h4″]Team Flash: 2024[/title]
SPOILER ALERT: Nobody’s doing well. In fact, almost everyone is in the most depressing state of mind and body anyone could’ve imagined. Cisco reveals that future fight with Killer Frost he has been so desperately avoiding at all costs went down, and cost him his powers. Killer Frost went 0 Kelvin on the homie and iced his whole shit, forcing his hands and forearms to crumble like the last sleeve of Ritz crackers. He now rocks some pretty sweet, albeit depressing, bionic hands under gloves.
Julian is busy doing lab work, cuz science. But when Barry and Cisco shows up, he knows exactly what’s good. OG Barry tells him what year he’s from and says the phrase looming over the entire second half of season 3. 2017, the year it all started. Turns out Julian was doing more than just science because he leads our boys to a cell holding another former member of Team Flash, Caitlin, or Killer Frost as I should say. She’s gone full villainous savage and tells Barry that she aligned herself with Savitar which led to the future they’re all living in. She won’t tell Barry who Savitar is but tells him that he is going to be blown away when he finds out.
Then these mufuckas had to hit us where it really hurt and show the greatest dad on tv heartbroken and weakened. Joe goes to Iris’ grave every week to replace the dead flowers and see all that remains of his beautiful daughter.
But probably the most devastating condition anyone is in (besides a dead Iris) happened to be a comatose state, wheelchair bound Wally West. Just when I thought it wouldn’t get much worse..I’m lyin. I knew he was gonna be impaired, but I ain’t expect the boy Keiynan Lonsdale to pull off that spectacular fuckin’ acting performance by simply staring into the abyss! Shit was powerfully cruel. Glad they stayed true to Wally’s character for the reason behind the condition. Wally is a hot head, so of course he ran off to square up with ol Savi one night after his sister’s death and got his spine shattered like everyone’s ankles in an And-1 mixtape episode.
Mr. Wells is doing by far the best out of the squad. He has taken over C.C. Jitters and transformed it to H.R. Jitters (Clever writers). He’s hosting an event promoting his latest romance novel. He’s knocking on the door of a threesome, or one thing on the bucket list, when Barry snatches his giddy ass up, Joe’s depressed ass up, Julian’s workin’ ass up and brings them all to S.T.A.R. Labs because Cisco obviously revealed he was the one who hampered Barry’s ability to open a portal and get back to 2017. He knew Barry just needed a little “where’s the Barry Allen I remember” convincing to stay in this time period. He decides to help out a team that needs more than the folks back home cuz..ya know, he can kinda go back in time to the exact second he left.
He rounds the team up, as Cisco and Draco Julian (not so much a Dickfoy anymore) get the lab up and running again. Joe is standing by to drop wisdom and Flash heads out to squash the jewelry robbery being committed by Top and Mirror Master. Flash zips downtown as these rogues walk down a Martha and Thomas Wayne murkable alleyway and drops one of the most horrific ‘Im from the past’ jokes I’ve ever heard. But CW gotta get their cheesy jokes off for the youngsters so I ain’t even mad. Top puts the spin moves on Flash as Mirror Master clearly watched Doctor Strange in this month long hiatus cuz he drops some advanced powers by warping an entire building and making that shit bend and fall on Flash. Our hero is in a real ass predicament so Team Flash puts on their mufuckin thinking caps and go to town. Cisco realizes he can tweak the device he was using to stop Flash from opening a portal, to stop the effects of both Top and suddenly dapper future Mirror Master. But how is the team going to get the device downtown?
[title type=”h4″]Emo NO MO![/title]
Barry Allen the Speed Force GAWD of the future slowly strides out of the shadows and steps up to the fuckin plate like Jeter for his 3,000th hit! He know his ass needs to get out of the bum juice ass funk he been in for years, so he takes the device and zooms down to assist his inspirational past self. He pulls up and
hits the hydraulics activates Cisco’s device so things go back to normal and we can finally see the present and future Flash suits side by side. It was fuckin geeky lit sauce.
Top and Mirror Master split up and Future Barry really got the crime fighting adrenaline pumpin’ cuz he asks to handle the finishing touches. Flash runs down Top and puts the PAWS on this girl something severe, just like he should! She’s down for the count early. Mirror Master is up next, but he thinks he’s still got some tricks up his future sleeve cuz he enters a building window to allude pursuit, but future Flash must’ve learned some shit in these 7 years cuz he hops right into that window after MM and beats that boy black, blue, and streaky window.. then tossed his soft ass through the window all triumphantly.
S.T.A.R. Labs: Team Flash has reassembled after years of separation and discord. The smiles in their faces look genuine and the joy and gratitude in that News reporter’s voice was real AF. C-City has missed the Scarlet Speedster and Emo No Mo Barry knows it. He thanks OG Barry for the motivation but knows this revival of their Team Flash won’t be easy. It won’t be easy, but at least it’s an option now. Future Flash finally gets over his melancholy and coughs up some pertinent information regarding the entire reason OG Flash went to the future in the first place; useful information that’ll help him defeat Savitar. He gives OG Barry a flash-drive with information on trapping Savitar in the speed force and tells our hero the name of the woman (Tracy Brand) who developed the technology. Sucks, she didn’t develop the technology until 2020. But we all know that a show like The Flash isn’t going to let this abysmal future come to fruition. They will most definitely science the shit out this situation and save Iris come season finale time.
Late Episode Shockers
Alright, playtime in the future is over. Barry says his goodbyes and rips it. His return to 2017 contained one of my highlights from this episode, Kid Flash and his authentic surprised face and question of, “Wait..Did you already go to the future?!” That look of bewilderment killed me. Flash fills the team in with as much info as they need, but nothing more. No Wheelchair Wally. No Emo Flash. No vibe-less Cisco. Just that Caitlin eventually aligns herself with Savitar so they have work to do.
Like clockwork, we see Killer Frost on her Danny Rand flow walking through the snowy forest barefoot. She comes across Savitar who has been waiting for her, apparently. She asks why his big Decepticon lookin ass expects her to join his legion of goonery. He proceeds to open up his Savitar armor and steps out. She immediately joins him and the Flash fandom goes wild with the theories of who could have her this villain-whipped!!
[title type=”h4″]Flash Facts[/title]
HR himself (Tom Cavanagh) was the director of this week’s episode. Not bad man, not bad.
Is this the first time Barry and Cisco acknowledge their BFF ways? How adorable.
Savitar has to be Ronnie. Who else would she trust from the jump?
This Tracy Brand character must become important.
That future Flash suit is STRAIGHT FIREBALL JUTSU FLAAAMMMEEESSSS. We need that ASAP.