When Life Hits You With A Rasengan From Naruto

When you too deep in that manga / anime life, you start to see life’s every day troubles as 22-minute, supernatural battles that become chess matches of strategy and power levels. Your morning commute, 9-to-5,  even your love life can often be summed up in a series of confrontations, near escapes, triumphs, and just straight-up ass whuppins. For the Naruto heads and all those that spend their nights in the woods working on their jutsu, here is some of the shit you might have to deal with and the best way to counter them in a language you’re accustomed to.

Arguing With Your Partner
Jutsu: Sage Mode w/ options Wood Style Devouring Forest, Re-animation

Will: As much as a young shinobi wanna believe he’s always right, sometimes you just do some dumb/careless/selfish/forbidden jutsu type shit and the person that puts up with you gonna let your ass know. You ever argue with your partner earlier in the day, ain’t talked for hours, then you come home and realize how bad you fucked up? They been sitting around, gathering nature energy all day so they can go into Sage Mode as soon as your ass walks through the door. If they greet you at the door and they got the blood orange eye shadow at the corner of their eyes, you know this shit is basically game over: no respawns.

Their powers are about tenfold cuz while you were basking in some brief afterglow of getting some good lines in earlier, they been sitting in the quarry absorbing hate all day, waiting for an opening. And if you really unlucky, they might have mastered the re-animation jutsu cuz they keep bringing up old shit. Like any good ninja battling someone in Sage Mode, it ain’t about beating them, it’s about surviving long enough for that shit to run out.

Counter: The Sharingan. Being able to record every point of their argument, retain it, learn it, then predict the next point in their argument based on the information you’ve gathered is absolutely crucial. Visual prowess is about the only way to stop the slaughter before it starts.

When There Is No WiFi
Jutsu: Preta Path (Hungry Ghost Realm)

Omar: I’ma tell you like Will told me, “WiFi is a basic human right man. Like water and Air Maxes.” Whenever the internet goes out my immediate thought is that the Feds is onto me. They been monitoring my downloads and utter disrespect for bandwidth and decided to take me out. My heart stops just at the thought of not being able to update my tumblr with reblogs of otters holding hands and the multiple uses of coconut oil. And I know this shit is so first world problem…but I don’t even care.

You wanna see Lord of the Flies, you wanna see post-apocalyptic times? Shut down the internet and watch everyone lose they shit. It always happens at the worse moments. You are being productive and getting work done then out of nowhere that shit cuts out and it feels like Pain of the Six Paths just absorbed all the chakra from your productivity.

Counter: Flying Thunder God (Teleportation Jutsu) You gotta go out and Carpe Diem. Being without wifi forces you to be fucking social and it’s makes you feel like you’ve been in a cave for years. You got to be up and active in order to distract yourself from knowing that you are missing out on somebody getting dragged on twitter or tumblr. This jutsu is the best-case scenario to get you productive in other ways that doesn’t involve liking pictures of food.

Getting Caught In a Lie
Jutsu: Shadow Sewing Technique

Will: Look fam, even being the trustworthy and upstanding individuals that we are today, at one point, we stretched the truth or completely snapped that shit in half for whatever innocent or nefarious reasons. And then that shit mushroomed. And at some point, your mother, or husband, or Language Arts teacher boxed you in and made your box of lies inescapable. We’ve been there, yo. That shit is like the shadows creeping under your feet and attaching to every point of your body, freezing you in time while you just gotta stand there and take it. You ever been caught in a lie so bad, it turns out the person that caught you in it was a damn puppet master? The weight of that shit so immense, they just start leading you into truths and exaggerations you swore you’d never give up. That’s the Shadow technique fam. Once you’re caught, the caster can bend your truth into whatever the hell they want.

Counter: Genjutsu. Look, the official advisement of Black Nerd Problems is that once you have been caught in a lie, just ride that shit out and live to swing your kunai another day. But if you absolutely need to get free and redemption ain’t particularly high on your priorities, then one of the few ways to escape is the use of a Genjutsu.

Making the caster believe that their phone start ringing or that Scandal is about to come on even though it’s only Monday might distract them long enough to loosen the grip of them shadows and get you free.

When You Owe On Your Taxes
Jutsu: Reaper Death Seal


Omar: When I was in my early 20’s I used to wish this upon friends of mine that were like legit adults because I knew it was an annoyance. I thought that shit was funny until I had to owe on mine… I need to apologize to a lot of folks because when you owe on your taxes it feels like you’re giving up a piece of yourself. That piece mostly being your wallet. The worst thing about it is you are hoping there is some way out of paying these cats man but there ain’t and you gotta stand there and take the fucking hit. The government is straight up hovering over your shoulder like the shinigami summon saying, “What’s really good with those crisp twenties doe?” They’re cutting of pieces of your guap to seal away in the underworld of the other side and be clear, that other side is debt.

Counter: Nothing. Not a god damn thing. And you could be sitting there like, “Well if you amend the taxes that’s like when Orochimaru reversed the Reaper seal or Konan’s paper jutsu.” Shut up. It’s not the same thing. You can’t get rid of the hurt, and the “WHY ME? WHY MY TAX BRACKET LORD?” that comes with when you owe. Amending them shits just requires MORE paper work too? Fuck. all. Of. That. Take. The. Hit. Homie.

When You Get Fired
Jutsu: Wind Release: Rasenshuriken


Omar: Listen, when you get that blind side firing? That cold cocked firing? That “I’m sorry we just don’t have a position here for you anymore, so take your stuff and don’t come back and shoot the place up” firing? Oh god that shit feels straight shameful. It’s like breaking up from a long-term relationship with a paycheck man. Now your paycheck wants to see other people out of nowhere? What part of the lame is this? That shit is a fucking three point shot from waaaaaaaaay behind the arc with the way it sinks into your soul once it hits you. It’s like Naruto’s wind release shuriken. Your job can hit you with that shit from any location man. You could be on site, at home, or on vacay and catch that pinwheel of hurt homie.

Counter: Shinra Tensei. Although the only real Pyrrhic victory you can take from being fired is if you decide to burn the bridge and counter with the almighty push technique and just knock over the shit on EVERYBODY’S desk as you leave because fuck that job anyway.


Internet Trolls
Justu: Shadow Clones

Will: There’s one general questions I have when I start getting trolled on the internet — Where the fuck you lames come from? Trolls come in groups, typically they don’t have a leg to stand on by themselves, so they need support from someone else with troll-ass tendencies. You got a video on the internet, YouTube comments make assholes multiply themselves and hit you from all angles. And because trolls are seldom, like, real human beings you need to pay attention to, obliterating one usually just means that disappear into a puff of smoke, but there are 6 more where that came from. Ultimately you’ll be left either feeling overwhelmed or wondering what the hell you just wasted your chakra on.

Counter: Eight Gates Taijutsu. Look, the most efficient way if you’re an Uchiha Clan member is a Majestic Fireball Jutsu, but it won’t be nearly as satisfying as just beating the living hell out of every troll that dares provoke you. The Eight Gates only lasts for a short time and it might, ya know, kill you. But watching some fuckboy retreat back to his IP address is kind of worth it.

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  1. Nekochan on June 1, 2016

    Yes.

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