An Open Letter To True Detective Season 2: Bruh, I’m So Lost

Dear True Detective Season 2, Yo, I’m just writing you to find out one thing: What in the actual name of fuck is happening this season? I don’t mean the direction, or even the end game — I just mean straight up what the hell is happening. Sun, first of all the dialogue is whispered so I have to sit in front of the TV to catch it. Then I get mad cause I’m not hearing any bars. No hard shit. I’m listening to Vince Vaughn’s character Frank talk about never having a cavity in his life? Why is your kingpin talking about being a Crest kid? Forget it, back to the matter at hand. Bruh, I feel like I’m watching Lost and the numbers are back. You wanna know what goes for bars on this show? you really wanna know? …Okay. Here.

I think that’s just cholesterol man. So far as I can tell, what’s happening with the story is somebody went and killed Frank’s associate Casper and he had 5 million of Frank’s money. Then someone killed Frank’s boy Stan. I’m lost right there cause Frank is all distraught over his death and I’m like, “Who the fuck is Stan? When the hell did we see Stan? Was he the dude making a sandwich in that one scene?” The cops investigating are alright I guess — Paul Woodrow stays with a scowl that makes it seem like he always smelling the scent of stank ass and bad potato salad or suffering from “resting bitch face.” Bezzerides is the coolest one easily, and Ray Velcoro hasn’t been interesting since he beat up that 12-year old kid’s dad and then told the kid, “Fuck yo li…