Game of Thrones Recap: The Dance of Dragons

Season: 5 / Episode: 9 / HBO Awww shit, AWWW shit, AWWWWW SHEEEEYET! Listen, if you’ve made it this far in Thrones, then you know what episode 9 usually means — Baelor (Ed walked up in the barbershop and got the high and tight cut), Blackwater, Reins of Castamere (aka The Red Wedding), and Watchers on the Wall aka the day Jon Snow made bastards the new black by defeating the wildlings. So you know expectations lookin’ like when Kanye and Jigga announced they were doing an album together… hopefully we don’t get Watch The Throne…

First off, any episode that starts off with Melisandre and fire ain’t a good fucking omen, fam. Seeing her at the beginning of the episode was like going on a first date and spending half of it talking about their ex. It’s gonna be a long ass night. Ramsay took 20 terrible muthafuckas like himself and set fire to all the food storage, supplies, and yes, horses (Ramsay hates every living thing, yo). So now Stannis and his army aren’t just in a tough spot, they’re as our friends across the pond would say, Proper Fucked. Stannis and Davos look like they growing their playoff beards out except these muthafuckas never even made it to the Conference Finals. Jon and the survivors are walking up on the Wall and I know they took some boats at some point, but these rough bastards LOOK like they walked all the way from the massacre. Ser Allisar staring at Jon from atop the Wall, like your boy a Jehovah’s Witness on a Saturday afternoon. Seriously, Ser Alli…