An Open Letter to “Undateable Blerd Men”: It’s Not Us, It’s You

Undateable Blerd Men
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Another day partaking in the internet’s favorite pastime: slandering Black women. The favorite 0 Kelvin take: Black women hate Black nerds and this is why I, a Black man and nerd, don’t date Black women. This opinion so cold Mr. Freeze couldn’t hold it without losing a limb to frostbite pops up all the damn time. Full of misogynoir, toxic masculinity, and a level of entitlement that’s over 9000, you’d think we’d have beaten this dead horse to smithereens. One of y’all must be wishing it back on the Dragonballs because this noxious dog whistle keeps coming back. That or hatin’ on Black women gets folks clicks. But you know what, let’s unpack this bullshit once and for all.

Now dating on a whole isn’t easy. For anyone. People are complicated and attraction is a random mix of chemistry and compatibility. Plus everyone is looking for something different in a partner and relationship, and those somethings can change at any moment. But I get it. Sometimes acknowledging the complexities of human emotions and relations requires too much brain power. That whole “understanding another person” thing takes a long time — better to make sweeping generalizations about entire races of women rather than see what you might be lacking, because according to everybody, especially relationship geniuses like Steve Harvey, Tyrese, Rev Run, and tweetin-from-my-futon Twitter, women are always the reason relationships aren’t working out.

Don’t worry though — this Black woman is here to help you. Here are 7 reasons why you, yes you, sir, aren’t getting the women you want.

1. You’re boring

First things first: if I ask you to tell me about yourself, what are you going to say? You gonna make be sit through shit I hate? Are we about to spend every day posted up on your couch/futon/pallet in the basement watching basketball? You gonna make me sit through all 8 million episodes of Naruto even though I said I’m not into anime? Am I about to spend hours watching you play XBox with your one controller? Can you only talk about one thing whether I like it or not? Can you talk to me at all or do we just sit in awkward ass silence heavy as Rock Lee’s training weights? If I’m finna be spending all our time together killing my phone battery and data plan scrolling Twitter and Instagram then I’mma probably gratefully accept the L that is not dating you.

2. You’re unattractive

Real talk, how do you look? I’m not talking about ugly or pretty — those are subjective, and while one person may not find you attractive someone else will. I’m talking about things you can control. Do you look like you care about your appearance? Do your clothes fit? Are you ashy? Do you smell? Is your hair a mess? You can’t roll around with a butter knife lineup and expect women to fall at your feet.

One universal truth about dating is that you won’t meet the person at their realest in those early days. You meet their representative: the best or better version of themselves. So if you sun up on me looking like you couldn’t be bothered to bathe before coming out… it’s gonna be a no from me dawg because you upsetting me and my homegirl.

3. You’re self-centered

Quick scenario: You’re on a first date with a woman. You want to talk about the intricacies of a shared Transformers/Fast and Furious universe, but your date hasn’t kept up with either. What do you do? Keep talking about something she doesn’t understand and isn’t interested in, or change the subject and figure out what interests you both share? We meet up for coffee, are you talking about yourself or are you asking about me as well? Name 3 things you learned about the last 2 women you went out with. Are we about to only be doing the things you like? If I know 50-eleven things about you and you only know my eyes are brown because I’m Black then I’mma take a hard pass.

4. You’re trash

Are you misogynistic, sexist, classist, homophobic, transphobic, or otherwise bigoted? Are you a pallet gynecologist who believes vaginas get loose with use or that female orgasms are a myth? Do you think women are only lesbians because they know men like it? Do you think women are built to submit to their man while simultaneously building them up like their children? Do you look to any of the aforementioned relationship geniuses for legit advice? Do you have only bad things to say about women who aren’t attracted to you? Do you believe in plots to emasculate the Black man and destroy the Black family? Do you send unsolicited dick pics with shitty lighting? If you answered yes to any of these questions or you retweet those relationship cartoon memes or the words “dress how you want to be addressed” like they’re profound, then I only have one thing to say:

5. You see a trophy, not a person

You know women have desires and interests and hopes and wishes and opinions and all that shit you do, right? She’s not just there to always hype you up (even when you’re deadass, headass wrong) or gargle your ballsack. Contrary to what the government majority and internet dudes think, women are people. Like living, breathing, existing humans. Wild, right? If you don’t want someone who is actually going to feel some kinda way about things that isn’t always going to be the way you feel, you don’t want a girlfriend. You want a warm grapefruit with a hole in it. So microwave it for 10 seconds and go to town. I promise it won’t talk back.

6. You don’t like yourself

Be honest: when you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? I don’t mean do you wake up everyday believing 100% that you’re some Adonis, Beyoncé, god’s gift to the Earth, universe, and everything in-between — that’s just unrealistic — but if you had to spend time with just yourself, could you stand the tie alone? Do you spend all your time focused on what someone else is that you aren’t? If that’s a yes, go sit in your prayer closet and be your own hype man. Because if you can’t stand to be around you, why would anyone else?

7. You’re not the one

You know how sometimes you see a woman and you’re not attracted to her? Or you like the way a woman looks but once you get to know her y’all just don’t click? Or you meet someone and y’all are great friends but you know it’ll never go beyond that? Well imagine all of that, but imagine it’s a woman feeling those ways about you instead of the other way around. I know it’s hard, but sometimes people — individual people — just don’t like you. Here’s the honest truth, all jokes aside: you could be amazing, wonderful, interesting, intelligent, sweet, and the person you like still may not like you. The shit sucks, but keep it moving. There’s someone out there who will like you just the way you are and you’ll feel the same way about them. No need to drag anyone else into it.

Congratulations on making it through. You’ve taken the first step towards letting yourself be great and keeping Black woman slander out of your mouth. The reward for step one is self-satisfaction. Do better, and you’ll get probably get more.

And as a final word: no one cares about your non-black girlfriend, wife, partner, fiancé, whichever. If she makes you happy, that’s all that matters. I promise you, any Black woman who isn’t trash herself is too busy living her own life to stress over why you’re “dating outside your race.” Seriously. Save yourself the carpal tunnel and think pieces.

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  • Brittany N. Williams is a writer, actress, unimpressed Shakespearean Blerd, keeper of 90s theme songs, future Lord of the Fire Nation, and & New Orleanian by way of Baltimore, DC, Hong Kong, London, and NYC. Catch her laying waste to all challengers in Soul Calibur or slinging literary fire across the interwebs.

  • Show Comments

  • BAM ISAIAS

    I applaud her statements and enjoyed a few laughs along the read. I am a Melanin man who wants to date Melanated women. I get often that the daily scrutiny they, black women, absorb on a daily, often from black men, can cause a ton of turmoil. I get you all shouldn’t just settle because we’re the same race.

    Hopefully in the near future, I find a wonderful woman of color such as this. Thanks.

  • Nkosi Dickerson

    I think a blerd male did not treat you right and your list does not add up, because there are too many of us that are not like this

    • Deb

      Did you even read the article she is referring to?

  • Paula Gillison

    I genuinely enjoyed this article. I just ended a relationship with a Blerd who had previously only dated white women. His penis had been enough reason to make most women stay but I demanded so much more of him that he found difficult to achieve. It was so frustrating to see him not find purpose in life. But he knew some white woman would gladly allow him to slang his stuff and sit on his butt and not require him to be a better man. Gosh, so frustrating. Thanks for putting a name to my pain.

  • Johnny Quid

    Beautifully written. Probably one of the most concise, honest, and well-written pieces I’ve ever read about a topic that is LONG overdue.

    As a male, I’d also like to add that you seriously need to check the laziness if you’re interested in meeting a female. There is no point acting like you are a man of action, ambition, and goal-oriented success on the first first few dates just to reveal later on that you have no direction, you’re not concerned with bettering or challenging yourself, and you’re fine to just coast through life, hopping from job to job like you’re 17 again. Women don’t find that type of attitude to be attractive.

    Find something worthwhile to be into and PUSH it. Take it as far as it will go. Be dedicated to your craft. THAT’S attractive. Especially if it is opened ended with no ceiling to it. The sky is the limit.

  • Zara

    That’s what I’ve wanted to say and could barely put it all together. Due to the overwhelming hatred that black women experience….. this article narrows down the pieces of rhetoric used to shame black women despite the fact that black men are supposed to be the community leaders ….. just sick what is said out loud and sad for the next generation of black girls ugh! ?? bravo for shinning a light on this stupid hypocrisy!

  • Christina Gavin

    I just read that garbage. Besides everything else, I really got stuck on this part: “… contrivances can be made and should be made…”

    Cue the “You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.” meme. -_-

  • Nicholas Nichols

    Thank you!

  • Franklin Castillo

    “Full of misogynoir, toxic masculinity, and a level of entitlement that’s over 9000…”

    Pretty epic use of the English language, if I may say.

  • Yes

    Thank you.

  • Tiny arch

    Always fun to be told that we don’t need think pieces during a think piece…

  • Mazi

    I think #7 is on point. One through six are likely on point too… they are just so harsh I can’t really rock with them. But 7…. yah. I wish the whole article would have been going into more depth on #7 but that’s for writing this as it is anyway. I appreciate you asking men to look at themselves.

  • Deb

    “Am I about to spend hours watching you play XBox with your one controller?”

    I almost hollered. His article was so gross and just plain bitter, and he did even worse on the comments.

  • Jennifer

    You can’t argue with the truth. Anyone that get’s angry at this piece is simply afraid of self-reflection.

    • LOUIS DAVIS

      Truth?! What truth, none of what the writer has presented is 100% accurate. There are millions of blerds who do not fit any of the negative stereotypes she has offered!

  • smilejamile

    “Do you send unsolicited dick pics with shitty lighting?” I found this line hilarious because to me, it seemed like she wasn’t upset at that fact she got sent a dick pic, but that the lighting was bad lol.

  • Some guy somewhere

    I agree on some basis of the article despite information may not have been presented in the best method, but yes. in order to have a relationship with someone you have to put a certain level (depending on the person) of discovery, spontaneity and growth. Perhaps the nicheness of scope of the article, but this is more so a connection problem with society not necessarily “black nerds”. Very few examples were even specifically relegated to nerds.

    Just an FYI 3-6 are naturally contradictions lol.

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