DuckTales Reboot Dropped Its New Intro and I’m Losing My Shit In the Middle of the Hood

They kept the theme song! They kept it intact! [Gets real close to your face, eyes desperate for your understanding, a well of tears forming in the corners.] They took the original theme song — one of the best, most memorable cartoon theme songs not just for a generation of millennials, but for the span of TV animation since its inception — and put a lemon-lime twist on the shit! They put the thang down, fli– [Falls to the ground, curled in a ball, fetal position, clutching inner child close to my chest.] Leave me here for a minute, y’all. [Editor: But Jordan, we still have to–] I said leave me!

Do you see now? Do you see?! Did you hear the good news of the coming of the Tales?! We got Huey, Dewey, and Louie back, son. We got Launchpad McFucking Duck in your borough with race cars, lasers, and god-damn airplanes. We got Webbigail back, b, solving mysteries and/or rewriting history because she’s undecided and wants to keep her options open so she won’t declare a fucking major til sophomore year. We got Bentina Beakley coming through at the breakdown part like when Kendrick blessed “The City” til you expected the beat to die out ’cause it couldn’t hold the strength of Mrs. Beakley’s frame so it had to drop out in the 12th round and lost by technical knockout. Fuck McGregor-Mayweather in August my g, where is September? My dude, they paid homage. If you ain’t feel that shit from the opening lines then I don’t know what to tell you. If you heard those drums and ain’t cover y…