Season: 6 / Episode: 10 / HBO
Did he know that’s what the fuck mercy was? I dunno, fam. If I’m getting branded, can I at least pick the fuckin’ design? And y’all thought it was fucked up when Hester Prynne had to rock the Alpha on her chest. Sheeeeeeeyet. I guess Cersei is up next and I’m thinking that ain’t no way before the Mother and the other 6 gods is she lettin’ a blade near her dome man. They lucky they cut her hair without her biting fingers off and shit. Margaery is like, yo, where Queen Mother at and the Sparrow sends Lancel to retrieve her. But Cersei on like her third glass of wine, sippin’ that shit like a Kermit meme and not giving a fuck about punctuality. She up in her chambers with the headphones on, bumpin’ that Royce Da 5’9″:
Lancel sees a little kid running from the Sept and investigates while Maester Pycelle gets led by another little bird down into Qyburn’s lab. Pycelle WHO BEEN SOMEHOW DODGING THE FADE SINCE SEASON TWO sees that the king didn’t summon him there. And why the fuck would the king be using little kid spies, my Maester? Can you tell me that. Qyburn lookin’ at Pycelle like, no hard feelings we bout to give you one order of the Caesar with a side of death by 8 year olds. 8 year olds, dude. Little birds carved your boy up like a ham on Easter Sunday and everybody got tired of waiting for dinner to be ready. Meanwhile, Lancel chasing this little dude down into the crypts and he lookin’ at the barrels like he done found the best brewery in all of King’s Landing. NAH FAM, THAT SHIT AIN’T GUINNESS. See that toxic shit, lookin’ like Chernobyl’s personal stash. Dem be Wildfire, Ex-Lord Lancel Lannister of the Queen-Mother’s Bed. He scopin’ that shit out when little dude appears and stabs him between the vertebrae and shit.
Margaery the only one that sees the jig cuz game recognize game and this set up lookin’ mad familiar. She tries to hit the High Sparrow with the logic, but dude is like… preposterous… I think.
High Sparrow is like I can’t even dispute the logic of that, but my programming compels me to respond like that’s crazy talk. Bruh. Margaery looked exquisite, but she should’ve been rocking one of Casey Rocheteau’s shirts fam.
Lancel down in the fuckin’ sludge, dead from the waist down. Somebody done put some mood music on, set out some edible arrangements, and put some scented candles in the middle of some wildfire, just for him. Dude trying to crawl his way towards the barrels before that shit catches fire, but considering he is literally dying right now, cats shouldn’t be too optimistic about that. Margaery can’t get out, High Sparrow lookin’ like he just remembered he left the oven on back at the crib and Lancel eyes go green as the Hulk.
GOTTTTTTTTDAAAAAAAAMN CERSEI! Now why you wanna go and do that love, huh? She for real killed every muthafucka up in there cuz she didn’t feel like wasting any of her good dresses on being in court. She watching from the window of the Red Keep while the Sept crumbles to nothing like the UK’s economy after the Brexit vote. Just bodies, and green shit, and fuckin’ rubble everywhere. Basically Justin Timberlake’s mentions after Jesse William’s speech at the BET Awards. Tommen staring out the window, lookin’ like he was starring in a Final Destination flick and he just watched a group of his friends get killed by some home appliances falling off a moving truck or some shit. Or, that face you make when just watched your wife, the queen, get blowed the fuck up.
Ain’t gonna lie, fam. I’m lightweight upset about Margaery, man. When that shit went up, I basically jumped out my seat like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Down in the Black Cells, Cersei out here not giving a fuck like Nothing to Lose Twitter, fam. She waterboarding one of the septas with some fine-ass Arbor Gold man. Cersei getting her revenge for that gotdamn bell. I TOLD Y’ALL THAT BELL WAS NOT GOING TO GO UNCHECKED. Yo, if someone got you held captive and they start confessing to the trillest shit, well, that should be a sign that your ass ain’t leaving captivity alive. Cersei is like, yeah, I killed the King. Yeah, I fucked my brother. Yeah, I killed the Sparrows. Who gon’ check me boo? Then she bring in the Mountain to do…you know what…let’s not even talk about what the Mountain is there to do cuz it ain’t to help her brush up on her Valyrian or cross-stitching or no shit like that, fam. Cersei leaves her with Clegane singing the hook to “Shame” on her way out the door.
Tommen still staring out that window like if he looks at that green smoke long enough, the wind will carry it away and the Sept will be standing there in perfect condition when it clears. NOPE. That shit still look like Beirut. Tommen takes the crown off, steps up to the window, and embraces the void. Your boy did the Nestle plunge into a pool of concrete, yo. Tommen ordered the Brandon Stark special with no chaser. I’d make some more jokes about the end of King Tommen’s reign but I stopped caring by the time I finished this sentence. But just like that, Cersei and Jaime just became the oldest living members (of relevance) of the Lannister family. It was all good just a Robert-Baratheon-death-by-boar-accident ago.
Speaking of Jaime, your boy at the Twins with the Fuckboi Freys as they toasting to taking back the Riverlands. Lord Walder out here cosigning all the shit that the Lannisters do. Walder lookin’ at Jaime, like “yeah, you know, the Beach Cruiser… It’s like both of ours, we’ll just keep it at my house.” Women serving Jaime and Bron and one keep staring at Jaime, but you know something ain’t right cuz she way too cute to be a Frey, fam. We just gonna keep that 1-hunned. Walder still talkin’ that shit, but Jaime Fullmetal Lannister is fed up. Dude almost as old as Melisandre out of her glamour and he still braggin’ on his dick and shit. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Jaime hit him with the truest bars:
We gave you the Riverlands so you could hold the Riverlands. If we have to ride north every time you lose them, then what do we need you for then?
Cersei lookin’ over what remains of her son, which can’t be more than about two teaspoons of lame after the header he just took. I’d say they couldn’t find his spine in the remains, but that implies that Bastard Simba started with one to begin with. I can’t really tell if Cersei is sad or disgusted (I’m going 30/70 on that) but she tells Qyburn to bury him where the Sept once stood. This basically ensures that in 100 years, that spot will officially be an ancient burial ground haunted by a little dude that couldn’t stand up to a fuckin’ flagpole.
Sam and Gilly get to the Citadel, but Sam walkin’ up in the spot like he trying to check into a Holiday Inn. He ask for the roll-out bed and some extra towels for the baby, but dude at the front desk is like, “Yeah, bruh, I don’t see your reservation.” Sam gotta be like, oh yeah, almost everyone that can vouch for me is fucking dead. Well this is awkward. Finally dude gets let into the library and Sam ejaculates on himself when he sees the library got about 22 floors. Dude look like he saw the face of the Seven and the Seven looked back at him like, “you gotdamn right Sam. Come get some of this knowledge.”
Jon Snow up in the great hall with Melisandre and Davos walk in lookin’ like bad intentions. He tosses Shireen’s toy at Melisandre and is like, tell him what you did! Man, you know muthafuckas is dead to rights when they get accused of some shit and they don’t even give the obligatory, “What, who, man, I don’t even know what you’re talkin’ about bruh. You tired? You need some rest? You want to go walk and talk fam?” Naw, she lookin’ like, damn, I knew this shit was gonna come back on me. Melisandre fesses up to burning Shireen at the stake. Melisandre is like, it was the only way and everyone agreed. Davos is like, Witch please. “Everyone” is fuckin’ dead so whats the point?” Kind of like Ser Loras is in the afterlife right now wondering why he spent his last moments alive getting the Inglorious Bastards carving when he was gonna be dead 20 minutes later anyway. Melisandre is like, yo, I didn’t lie. I just forgot to carry the one and my math ain’t so good so I might have fucked some shit up here and there.
Davos is like, yeah, she got to go fam. Put me in coach! Jon tells her this second life shit is real dope, but you can’t go round burning little greyscale girls and shit, yo. He tells her to ride south or she’ll be hanged. Davos gonna jump in like, YEAH WITCH DON’T COME BACK UP IN HERE UNLESS YOU TRYING TO GET RETURNED TO THE EARTH. Melisandre lookin’ at him like, yo, I’m old as all fuck, but I ain’t deaf fam, I heard that when Jon said it.
Yo, don’t think just because her whole family tree got murdered and she up in here wearing the Black Album that Lady Olenna ain’t got time to toss that shade like she a quarterback at her Pro Day, fam. Sand Snakes trying to get these bars off and the Queen of Thorns out here just unplugging everybody’s mic.
Lady Olenna ain’t happy about the fact that Cersei just 86’ed her whole blood line, so when Sand Snakes bring Varys out the back and the allegiance was made, Lady Olenna start bobbin’ her head cuz she can already hear the murda muzik.
In Meereen, Daenerys getting the brief from Daario and the fleet is almost ready to go, rockin’ that new 3-headed-dragon emblem they got with the “Get Down or Lay Down with Dragons” achievement they unlocked last episode. Dany is like yeah…so, this has been real cool, this sleeping with you at night, killing my enemies by day, but I’m about to be in public a whole lot so… yeah, you gonna have to stay your ass here. Daario tries to protest, but dude don’t realize he’s a barbecue spot date and she bout to go to every grand ball in Westeros.
The Unburnt come out to talk to Tyrion and Tyrion is like, yeah, that’s some cold shit but it had to be done, it’s ok if you sad. She like, “Who said I was sad, dude. Shit, I feel like I lost some weight in the last 20 minutes. When the boats gonna be prepped, I’m ready to get this shit poppin’.” Before they leave, Daenerys hands him a Hand of the Queen pendant. And Tyrion is overjoyed to take it… but really?
Being the Hand is like being cursed by the Lil Based God, man. A short history of the past Hands, if you’ll indulge me.
[check_list]
- Lord Rassert under King Aerys II (The Mad King) – Killed by King’s Guard Jaime Lannister
- Lord Jon Arryn under King Robert – Poisoned by his wife Lyssa
- Lord Eddard Stark under King Robert – Got unsolicited sunroof installed
- Lord Tyrion Lannister under King Joffrey – Got his face slashed, nose cut off (book thug version) and set up for murdering the king
- Lord Tywin Lannister under King Joffrey and King Tommen – Got crossbowed by his son on the gotdamn privy
- Lord Kevin Lannister under King Tommen – Wildfire, Lion, do you speak it?
[/check_list]
I guess what I’m saying is, that piece of metal might as well be a homing beacon for a terrible death, yo. Tyrion should’ve asked for a less visible position.
At the Twins, ol girl that was making the heart eyes at Jaime is serving up some desert for Lord Frey himself. Lord Walder wonder where his sons are at but the Too-Pretty-To-Be-A-Frey girl is like, oh, your sons, I baked them fuckbois into a pie like Titus Andronicus. Sheeyet, I’m a Lady of highborn birth from Winterfell, you don’t think I’m up on my Shakespeare? She hit him with “Last thing you’ll see is a Stark smiling down on you” after she rips the mask off and then she cut this dude’s throat Catelyn Stark style. I love most how this old muthafucka didn’t try to fight her, but instead tried to run and she hit him with the Scorpion harpoon and shit.
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Fam, Arya doing her own assassination missions now and I couldn’t not be happier about this shit. Arya was on her way back to Winterfell on a carriage, saw the flags flying at the Twins and was like, “Yo, pull over right here. I gotta make a stop. Keep the engine runnin’.”
Sansa sitting under a Weirwood tree while Lord Baelish checkin’ for security and approaches her. He runs up on Sansa and tells her that they should be together ruling the Iron Throne. He go in for the kiss and Sansa hits him with that Nate Dogg…
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Little Restraining Order is talkin’ that shit, like this is a choice she needs to make and Sansa is like, yeah…no. all lowercase. very small period.
The Walking Brenjin dropping Meera and Bran off at the closest weirwood tree before he leaves them on the highway and takes off. Bran needs to see the truth like he performing human transformation or some shit and lays hands on the tree.
He back to where his father became the luckiest man alive when the Sword of the Morning got stabbed in the back before he could deliver the fade to young Ned. Ned run up in the tower and his sister Lyanna in the tower, bleeding out. Her next stop is the crypt in Winterfell, but first she makes Ned promise to say the baby is his. If Robert found out that Jon was the son of Lyanna and Rhaegar, he would’ve gave Jon the Joffrey “only good bastard is a dead bastard” treatment. So yeah, the worst kept secret in Thrones, Jon Snow is half Stark, but not by Ned. And dude is Half Targaryen which makes him Daenerys… nephew? Cousin? Play-brother? Travel Agent? Fuckin’ beats me. I think my final answer is cousin/nephew but only because I had to pull in the homie Jordan to help me do the math on this shit. In case you forgot, Daenery’s parents were also brother and sister (Lannisters are really just novices at this shit, fam). Targaryen family tree twisted like a fuckin DNA Double Helix, fam. I almost had to create a flowchart for this shit. That awkward moment, where you had to check your math on how folks were related because you forgot to add across the bottom and carry the incest to the tens column.
Jon Targaryen of House Stark got all the North up in his spot arguing about how this shit gonna get ruled moving forward. Uppity North bastards don’t like the free folk and Jon is like, yeah, well where were you bastards when we was out there getting dunked on until the Knights of the Vale showed up. Then my second favorite character on Game of Thrones (after Arya) Lady Lyanna Mormont gets up in front of all these grown ass men and start spittin’ these bars, yo!
And because it was Sunday, I was wearing red at the crib, so when she finished I was like…
Yo, I fux with Jon Targaryen, but is it possible for me to pledge my banners to House Stark via House Mormont? Cuz that’s the Lady I serve, fam. She out here gettin’ shit done while her cousin Jorah out East becoming someone’s rock collection and letting Jeor Mormont down, man.
After Lyanna put the crowd on their feet with her freestyle, these dudes start raising the swords for Jon.
Jaime and Bronn riding back from the Twins and the smoke STILL coming from King’s Landing yo. Jaime walk up in the throne room just in time to see his sister being crowned and he got that look on his face like, Um, this is not what we discussed, sis? Everybody in the throne room look like they had their families threatened if they didn’t show up there to pack the house for the cameras and shit.
But yo, that ain’t the only queen in this muthafucka, fam. Daenerys got a whole fuckin’ fleet, gorgeous Missandei on her left, Tyrion on her right and behind her is time jump I-don’t-know-why-I-booked-a-ship-back-to-Meereen-just-to-get-in-the-team-photo Varys, and three dragons escorting her way. Season 7 bout to be so fuckin’ lit I can smell the Wildfire already. See you servants of the Many-Faced-God next season. It’s been emotional.
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