Taxonomy: Breaking “Thirst” Down To A Fine Science

As we prepare to celebrate the holy trinity of thirst, romance, and last minute shaving, it seems only fitting that we delve into the science of the thirst. All thirst is related, but to truly understand the thirst–to be one with the thirst–we must be able to classify it. Then, and only then, can we master the thirst.

Thirst can be divided into three Domains of which all other thirst is a subset:

[title type=”h6″]
Despite All Odds Thirst:[/title]
This is thirst that thrives in extreme environments that should on all accounts dead the thirst. This is that Lucille-Clifton-everyday-something-has-tried-to-kill-me-and-has-failed thirst where you be looking in the mirror at yourself like, “Really, self? Really?” and then try to journal it out in hopes of finding out why.
[title type=”h6″]
Erryday Thirst:[/title]
This is the typical thirst for people in your day-to-day life.
This is the thirst you are most likely to quench.
[title type=”h6″]
Media Thirst:[/title]
This encompasses most of the world’s visible thirst. You don’t know these people and you probably won’t ever even be in the same room with these people, but high-key they can still get it (if only they would take it).

Knowing the broad divisions of the domains isn’t enough; we need to break the thirst down even further. We need to appreciate the subtle flavors of the thirst like a fine wine, so what follows is a list of the most common species of thirst.

Domain:

Despite All Odds

      • Kingdom: Malus Notio: This is thirst that, for a variety of reasons, is a bad idea and yet [shakes head] and yet, there it is.
      • Phylum: Odius: You hate the object of this thirst.
      • Class: Odium Sui: You hate yourself for it, but…welp.
      • Order: Indefinitus (Who knows when this will go away?)
      • Family: Consors (Partner)
      • Genus: Prior (Ex)
      • Species: Bonom Lectus (Good Bed)
      • 2017-02-12
        This is that Ex who was a horrible person and who you kind of want to punch in the kneecap, but their sheets game was impeccable. You don’t want to, but… you aren’t lying to yourself either.

Domain:

Despite All Odds

      • Kingdom: Malus Notio (Bad Idea)
      • Phylum: Odius (Hated)
      • Class: Indifferentem: You don’t have strong feelings about yourself one way or the other because this thirst. This is the “meh” of thirst.
      • Order: Indefinitus (Undtermined)
      • Family: Notos (Acquaintance)
      • Genus: Numquam (Never)
      • Species: Odius Odi

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Under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t even look twice at this person, but you hate them so much, so much that somehow hate has morphed into thirst. Maybe, just maybe, if you give it to them good enough they’ll shut the hell up/ stop being annoying/ admit you are right/ change their horrible personality.

Domain:
Despite All Odds

      • Kingdom: Malus Notio
      • Phylum: Dulcis: You feel pretty good about the object of this thirst.
      • Class: Indifferentem (Meh)
      • Order: Indefinitus (Who knows when this will go away?)
      • Family: Notos
      • Genus: Numquam
      • Species: Malignitas (Spite)

joey-pacey-main
This is the thirst for someone when you know you only want them because it pisses someone else off. When you slide into your ex’s best friend’s DMs like “I was just thinking about the time we all went to go see that movie that time and was wondering how you been.”

Domain:
Despite All Odds

      • Kingdom: Malus Notio
      • Phylum: Nondum (Not Yet)
      • Class: Clam Placuit (Secretly Pleased)
      • Order: Pendeat
      • Family: Notos
      • Genus: Primum Tempus
      • Species: Cur Non (Why Not?)

giphy (1)

    This is the just-because-you-can thirst. You might not even be super excited about but the opportunity for some hardcore quench, but why not? This thirst is related to, but distinct from, the “we already did it so we might as well do it again” variety.

Domain:
Despite All Odds

      • Kingdom: Vermis Notio (Worm Idea) This is the kingdom of “why won’t you go away?”
      • Phylum: Numquam (Never)
      • Class: Odium Sui (Self Hate)
      • Order: In Perpetuum. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a longass ride.
      • Family:Fortis
      • Genus: Numquam (Never)
      • Species: Amici Sui (Friend’s Property)

This is the thirst you be praying goes away. Why does your friend have to have such a fine ass partner. You will never ever ever ever evah evah act on this thirst, but goddamnit if OPP doesn’t start playing in your head every time this muhfucker walks into the room. And since you’ll probably be toasting to these two at their engagement party, their housewarming, their wedding, their everything until the end of time, you just gotta resign yourself to it.

Domain:
Despite All Odds

      • Kingdom: Vermis Notio (Worm Idea) This is the kingdom of “why won’t you go away?”
      • Phylum: Decorus (Pleasant)
      • Class: Indifferentem (Indifferent)
      • Order: In Perpetuum: This thirst will never go away. [cue the En Vouge]
      • Family: Fortis: Why is this thirst so strong? Why, sweet lord, why?
      • Genus: Primum Tempus: The very first chance you get, you will shoot your shot, but somehow the universe is plotting against you. You’re never available at the same time or you’re never in the same city at the same time or you’re never alone or you both are lowkey punks who can’t make it happen for yourselves.
      • Species: Unus Dies (One Day, yo)

giphy (2)

You stopped praying this thirst would go away because after a few years, you recognized the futility of that. It’s inconvenient, though. This is the thirst you look at and just nod, like some expensive shit and you’re just waiting for a sale. This may or may not be a cousin to the Slow-Burn Thirst which develops when you see someone so often that the thirst develops by accumulating.

Domain:
Erryday

      • Kingdom: Malus Notio (Bad Idea)
      • Phylum: Dulcis (Good vibes)
      • Class: Opus (Work)
      • Order: Volatilis (Fleeting)
      • Family: Infirmis (Weak)
      • Genus: Mal Arbitrium (When you have your Bad Idea Jeans on)
      • Species: Cooperatorem Sitis

tumblr_n81pezwOkg1qifjmxo4_250

This is that co-worker that you’d like to smash in the break room. It’s a bad idea, but you want to TPS the hell outta those reports.

Domain:
Erryday

      • Kingdom: Good Idea (Bonum Notio)
      • Phylum: Dulcis (Good vibes)
      • Class: Extraneous: How you know this person isn’t important; they might go to your gym, be your barista, or work the cash register at the comicbook store. Extras in the movie of your life.
      • Order: Volatilis (Fleeting)
      • Family: Infirmis (Weak)
      • Genus: Primum Tempus (First Opportunity)
      • Species: Reactionem Sitis

tumblr_o5vr5gEBqS1sz2mglo3_500tumblr_o5vr5gEBqS1sz2mglo2_500

This is that Reactionary Thirst when something someone does suddenly makes them attractive. This is one chromosome away from Cyrano’s Thirst, the thirst induced by someone saying something profoundly witty, intelligent, or insightful. “Oh did you just drop the Mentat’s Litany against fear in conversation? Well let me pull up a chair.” or “You just gonna expound on how intersectional feminism informs your media consumption? Let me get us an Uber back to my place.” These are both the genetic opposite of the Letter Bomb, also known as the Thirst Reversal, in which an existing thirst is negated due to someone’s words or actions. Examples include, “I voted for Trump” and “We are all one human race so All Lives Matter.”

Domain:
Erryday

      • Kingdom: Temporalis Notio (Temporary Idea)
      • Phylum: Non certus (Not Sure)
      • Class: Extraneous
      • Order: Volatilis (Fleeting)
      • Family: Infirmis (Weak)
      • Genus: Primum Tempus (First Opportunity)
      • Species: Vicinitas Sitis


Proximity Thirst is thirst for the nearest subject with the highest score on the scale of thirst-worthyness. Also known as Club Thirst or, under extreme circumstance, post-appocalyotic thirst. See “How in the Hell Did Abraham Pull Sasha? : A Case Study”

Domain:
Erryday

      • Kingdom: Good Idea (Bonum Notio)
      • Phylum: Non certus (Not Sure)
      • Class: Extraneous
      • Order: Volatilis (Fleeting)
      • Family: Infirmis (Weak)
      • Genus: Fortasse (Maybe)
      • Species: Confusio Sitis (Confused Thirst)

this better not awaken anything in me

“What in the what?” thirst occurs for someone outside of your usual circle of attraction. You find yourself thinking of them and asking yourself “Why the fuck am I attracted to this muhfucker?” followed by internal schemes on how to get a bit of smash and grab followed by “Would I, though?” followed by typing and deleting texts followed by consulting your thirst circle.

Note: Your thirst circle is the group of people who a) share your taste in thirst, b) you share thirst within the form of sending links, screengrabs, and generally pointing of the object of thirst’s existence and/or c) validate your thirstiness. I would shout out my thirst circle, but the second rule of thirst circle is “They don’t need to know all ‘at.” The first rule is: Hi-res pics only.

Domain:
Erryday

      • Kingdom: Future Idea (Bonum Notio)
      • Phylum: Dulcis (Good Vibes)
      • Class: Clam Placuit (Secretly Pleased)
      • Order: Pendeat (Depends)
      • Family: Infirmis (Weak)
      • Genus: Fortasse (Maybe)
      • Species: Progenies Sitis

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Also known as Genetic thirst, Progenies Sitis is desire for a person just because you know the two of you would make adorable ass babies. This thirst got you thinking about family holiday cards and an Instagram dedicated to all the catalog-worthy stuff y’all would do, like wear matching tights and bow ties.

Domain:
Media

      • Kingdom: Musica
      • Phylum: Non certus (Not Sure)
      • Class: Extraneous (It don’t even matter how you know this person)
      • Order: Volatilis (‘Til the end of the song)
      • Family: Strength of the thirst Fortis (Strong) Infirmis (Weak)
      • Genus: Primum Tempus (First Opportunity)
      • Species: Siren Cantio

Song-induced thirst is directed at whoever is closest to you when *that* song comes on. Don’t front like you ain’t got a *that* song; we all got a *that* song. [Looks at the wake of bad decisions left by Rihanna’s existence]

Domain:
Media

      • Kingdom: Apparatus (Apps)
      • Phylum: Dulcis (Good vibes)
      • Class: Cognito (Lurking)
      • Order: Pendeat (Depends on when I X out of that screen, but as long as I’m looking…)
      • Family: Fortis (Strong)
      • Genus: Primum Tempus (First Opportunity)
      • Species: Salus Sitis

 

A photo posted by Towel Envy (@towelenvy) on

There’s a special place in heaven for IG Fitness accounts that are really one towel slip away from soft core porn. Shout out to the accounts that post those towel pics knowing they getting taken down an hour later. Shout out, too, to the inventors of screencap. Some thirstologists posit that Salus Sitis is related to Tum Et thirst in which you both want to be with the object of thirst and to be that person. Because examples of this both/or thirst exist outside of Salus Sitis family, more research must be done. These examples include Melior Est Hominem, the thirst for a person that’s just better than you; they might be smarter, funnier, or they out at the shelter volunteering when your aint shit ass is at home in socks and milk-cereal stained sweat pants.

Domain:
Media

      • Kingdom: Omnia (All)
      • Phylum: Dulcis (Good vibes)
      • Class: Clam Placuit (Secretly Pleased)
      • Order: Perpetuum (Forever)
      • Family: Fortis (Strong) I
      • Genus: Numquam (Never, but only because it’s impossible)
      • Species: Ficta Morbius

tumblr_inline_nc9jb34ZSf1qmlqgn

The thirst for fictional characters is so real. Misty Knight? Can get it. Zoe Washbourne? Can get it twice a day. Luther? Can get it twice a day and three times on Sunday.

We know this isn’t an exhaustive list. You wanna add to it? Here’s the formula:

Pick One from Each Category

Domain: Against all Odds OR Erryday OR Media

Kingdom: Malus Notio (Bad Idea) OR Good Idea (Bonum Notio) OR Vermis Notio (Worm Idea) OR Temporalis Notio (Temporary Idea) OR (for the Media Domain) Internet OR Television OR Apps OR Books OR Music

Phylum: How you feel about the object of the thirst: Odius (Hated) OR Dulcis (Good vibes) OR Non certus (Not Sure)

Class: How you feel about yourself because of the thirst: Clam Placuit (Secretly Pleased) OR Odius Sui (Self Hate) OR Indifferentem (Meh) OR (for the Erryday Domain) what is the thirst’s natural habitat? Opus (Work) OR School OR Extraneous (Might encounter the thirst anywhere) OR (for the Media Domain) Cognito OR Incognito — and I know you know what I mean.

Order: How long does the thirst last? In Perpetuum (Forever) OR Volatilis (Fleeting) OR Pendeat (Depends)
Family: Strength of the thirst Fortis (Strong) OR Infirmis (Weak)

Genus: If you could, when would you act on it? Primum Tempus (First Opportunity) OR Numquam (Never) OR Fortasse (Maybe) OR Mal Arbitrium (When you have your Bad Idea Jeans on)

Species: Hit up that Google Translate and serve up some official-sounding Latin, then tell us what it is.

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