Big Little Lies Recap: The Bad Mother

Everybody and they moms been asking, waiting, wishing for Big Little Lies to finally show the plot of its second season. Well wait no more, muhfuckas, ’cause Mary Louise served them papers and coming for Celeste’s kids, sending the whole Monterey 5 into a spiral. Here’s the breakdown: if Mary Louise brings it to a court hearing, she’ll need ammo to prove Celeste is an unfit mother. She’s got Ambien-powered car rides and salacious trysts with men, sure, but the big gun is inevitably the last thing Jane, Renata, Madeline, Bonnie, and Celeste want mentioned in a court of law: Perry died, and that shit wasn’t a fall. Once you open Pandora’s box under oath, there’s no putting the evils back in, and the detective has been reaching from outside the ring, hand extended, waiting to be tagged in so she can squeeze these organic nuts till one of ’em cracks. Celeste’s custody battle, coupled with the house of cards falling beneath the Monterey 5’s feet, makes for the Season 2 you needed and deserved. So who’s it gonna be? Who’s gonna crack and turn state’s witness? I got the streets placing bets like it’s the California Derby and I’ll give you 3-1 odds on Bonnie, but let’s get into the recap before the crew gets locked up and talkin’ about how it was all good just a week ago. We start the episode with the same night we do every night, Pinky — the night Perry got merked. We replayed that shit so many times by now I’m not sure I didn’t kill him at this point. Jane in the whip with her Cal…