An Open Letter to Kefla After Goku’s Ultimate Kamehameha, You Will Never Be Forgotten

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Dear Kefla,

Goku’s Ultimate Kamehameha is the most disrespectful finisher that’s ever happened in entertainment. I’m sorry it happened to you because no matter what you’ve done, no one deserves that. Me, personally? I’d rather die in the ring like Apollo in my “Livin’ In America” shorts than this. I’d rather Cypher pull the head jack and my lights just shut off. I’m inconsolable, but the Bible told me laughter is good medicine, so this is how I must cope knowing that something so embarrassing could ever happen to someone. Anyone. When you were born do you think your parents pictured this?

At least for a moment you were on top of the world. I can only imagine how it felt with your blasts flying wild and one of ‘em trimmed my man’s split ends. Everyone’s already lost their shit when you lost but I’ma do you the favor of pulling off the band-aid, word? Once everybody agrees how terrible this was for you they might advocate so nothing like this happens to anyone ever again. We have to raise awareness so this type of disrespect dies with you as the flagship. I would say this hurts me more than it hurts you, but you of all Saiyans know that’s not true, so let me at least say this can’t be worse than anything that’s already happened to you. Alright, this is for you, fam.

*Sets Timer*
*DEEP INHALE*

KA…

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KEfla Dragonball Super
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Holy fuck almighty, Goku Tokyo drifted yo shit and merked you up your personal space! Fam, you went from “birds flying high, you know how I feel” to Emma Stone playing Japanese in your biopic that STILL ISN’T AS DISRESPECTFUL AS THIS BLAST.
Blast so graphic Ryu needed a trigger warning.
Blast so graphic Jim Ross laid the commentary and told Goku about your family.
Blast so graphic Brandon Knight made the DeAndre Jordan face to DeAndre Jordan.
Blast so graphic the medical examiner swept you up in a dustpan and offered your mans not to ID the body, they could just keep it between them.

ME…

Kefla Dragonball Super
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Kefla Dragonball Super
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Blast so graphic they put your vase in a closed casket.
Blast so graphic I gave my YouPorn premium password to Crunchyroll.
Blast so graphic your spirit didn’t rise it just went straight to therapy.
Blast so graphic they put your memory on witness protection.
Blast so graphic they named an Icarus-Kefla scholarship to honor your legacy.

HA…

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How you let him get that close doe?! You called game and my mans snatched yo whole shit up and slowed down so you could see it happen up close.
Close like I’m tryna give you all the keys and security codes.
Close like this range? With this caliber?
Close like even if I miss I can’t miss.
Close like a 12-yard sack taking you out of field goal range in Super Bowl LI.

ME…

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Kefla Dragonball Super
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Close like baby when you’re grindin’ I get so excited.
Close like 50% off your first order at Adam & Eve.
Close like yeah it was me, this Thai got me fucked up.
Close like writing you a 4-page letter and enclosed it with a kiss.
Close like Charlie Rose giving your job interview.
Close like I just want to have my feelings heard, you know?
Close like Chi-Chi might join and make it a kameha-trois.

HAAAAAA! HAAAAAA! HAAAAAAA!

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*TIME*

I hate it had to be you, Kefla. Come at the king, you best not miss. One thing’s for sure though, your sacrifice with never be forgotten.

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  • Jordan Calhoun is a writer and pop culture savant in New York City. He holds a B.A. in Sociology and Criminal Justice, B.S. in Psychology with a minor in Japanese, and an M.P.A. in Public and Nonprofit Management and Policy. He might solve a mystery, or rewrite history. Find him on Twitter @jordanmcalhoun

  • Show Comments

  • Wes

    To all who ever approach the throne of King Goku:
    Do. Not. Miss.

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