Shia LaBeouf Spit This Freestyle and I Forgive Him For Transformers

***Update (10:55am): Apparently Shia LaBeouf’s freestyle included stolen bars from Detroit emcees? Old bars from like 1999? Shameful shit, fam. Read for yourself here.

It’s not often that celebrities can climb out of the abyss of public disdain. I’ll admit, I’m petty, and once I don’t like a public figure it probably means I’ll dislike them forever. And so I, like anyone masochistic enough to watch Transformers 1-3, disliked Shia LaBeouf… except now, in a stunning twist, he’s my new favorite celebrity.

2015 Shia LaBeouf is the most hilarious gives-no-fucks actor on the planet. With the help of the Internet, his unique brand of crazy has evolved like no one expected, and the result is everything great. Let’s see what god gave us this week, shall we?

In his most recent bout of awesomeness, this dude Shia dropped freestyle bars in what appears to be a cypher of high, white 20-somethings in California. He was topless. He wore a ponytail. He looks like some combination of Cletis the Slack-Jawed Yokel and Joe Dirt. But you know what? Dude actually had a few bars!

“I’m still up inside the sky like I’m fucking mashed potatoes”

“Making no sense and it don’t really matter though //
eat any rapper like I’m eating tuna casserole”

“I’m so underground the rap kids call me Tubman”

And yo, the Internet didn’t stop there – we gave this dude nerd cred, too. Shia LaBeouf’s “Just Do It” motivation has been dubbed over every action character imaginable, to the point I can’t even look at Goku anymore without hearing our boy screaming at him to follow his dreams.

He does this weird flex thing where he looks like he’s trying to accentuate his junk. He points to his palms like that’s exactly where your dreams are and all you need to do is physically clinch your fist to capture them. He looks like the boxing coach who ain’t got a lick of strategy and just yells at you to be aggressive and fight harder. But you know what? Dude is actually a little motivational!

And what’s the latest in Shia greatness? How about these paintings by artist Brandon Bird who joked about drawing Shia LaBeouf as every doctor from Dr. Who? What began as a joke was turned into some hilariously legit artwork. You can see each individual painting on his website, and you can buy prints, posters, and originals if you want to give an epic White Elephant gift to your favorite Dr. Who fan, but here’s a compilation to satisfy the casual viewer.

Shia LaBeouf Dr. Who

So I forgive Shia. He’s exonerated of Transformers in my book. He looks like a terrible actor. He sounds like he’s flying off the rails. But you know what? Dude is running with it without giving two shits anymore and it’s making for some amazing comedy for the rest of us. If people can joke that Bill Clinton was a Black president, Shia LaBeouf freestyling and motivating Batman makes him an honorary blerd.

Now let me go chase my dreams.

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  • Jordan Calhoun is a writer in New York City. His forthcoming debut book "Piccolo Is Black" is a celebration of the common adaptations we made while non-diverse pop culture helped us form identities. He holds a B.A. in Sociology and Criminal Justice, B.S. in Psychology with a minor in Japanese, and an M.P.A. in Public and Nonprofit Management and Policy. He might solve a mystery, or rewrite history. Find him on Instagram and Twitter @JordanMCalhoun

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