Tis The Season to Catch These Hands: Roasters For This Holiday Season

Roast Time Is Here

You already know what it is. Holidays are here. Cold breeze coming in, and it’s just that time to crank up the oven for that good ol’ shady pot roast. That’s right, time to name some of the best roasters that ever hit the game. (A special warm up. Just in time for Aunt Judy’s way-too personal questions.) I’m giving you my favorite roasters that I will be re-watching this season, as they inspire me to handout these clap backs: All. Year. Round.

Classy Claps: Geoffery — Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Geoffrey from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

First up, let’s talk about Geoffery from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Straight from Oxford to the Banks, this man keeps his claps fresh and so clean clean. His cynicism, inspirational. Sometimes it wasn’t even a roast, it was just genuine shade from the other side of the mansion. I loved how in each episode I felt Geoffery so much, I heard a sarcastic remark coming even if I didn’t watch that specific episode. Impeccable timing, always.

Hillary: “Geoffrey, what do you know about wine?”
Geoffrey: “I know no one does it better than you, Miss Hillary.”

When Will came out with the honeys? Geoffery was in the room sipping tea, awaiting his time to shine. Whenever Hillary said something that made her light bulb look kinda dim, Geoffery’s lamp was always flickering bright. If you want to show off that “classy” shade — the kind of clapback where you take a swig of wine before you cast an eclipse — then Geoffery is the Clapback King for you.

Explosive Ruin: Bakugo — Boku No Hero Academia

Bakugo from Boku No Hero Academia

“You’ll regret making a fool of me… I’ll freaking kill you! I’m taking the first to end all firsts. There’s no point in winning against some half-assed punk. No point if I can’t do better than Deku! So if you’re not trying to win, get the hell outta my face!”

I don’t know man, Todoroki could’ve easily just “icy-hot” his whole face. Clearly Bakugo ain’t afraid of top-grade third-degree burns with a side of frostbite. If he was coming for you, he was coming for you. Anyone that’s willing to kill for their goals is a force to be reckoned with. This guy is just straight out aggressive. Bakugo only releases explosions and is always ready to throw these hands. If you weren’t throwing up a good fight, he would call you out on your mediocrity. Bakugo is the cousin at the cookout that you allow to cut in front of you while getting a plate because if you retaliate he might explode and talk ’bout how you only shoot bricks from the free throw line. Nobody needs that kind of energy.

The Good, The Bad and The Relentless: Sophia Petrillo — Golden Girls

Sophia Petrillo from The Golden Girls
Let me tell you ’bout this Golden dream right here. Sophia “pullin out the glocks” Petrillo held grudges in her medicine cabinet. Her roasts took you on a trip through history. You know that embarrassing moment you thought that nobody took notice of? Sophia was there, and she remembers. Sophia’s roasts are like Dippin’ Dots. A bucket of one liners, filled with so much flavor it knocks you unconscious.

“Jealousy is a very ugly thing Dorothy, and so are you in anything backless”.

Dorothy: “I would kill Gloria if she ever wrote about my sexual escapades.”

Sophia: “You’d kill your sister over a pamphlet?

The savagery. The disrespect. When Sophia stepped out on the scene there was never a dull moment. If your clap-back goal is to have your flames prepared like a fly fall outfit, Sophia brings you a catalog to choose from.

Roasting Life Lessons: Rick — Rick and Morty

Rick from Rick and Morty
Rick is one of my favorite nominees for Roast Central. I imagine that going to different dimensions will give you inter-generational clap-backs. With these you hit someone with the quickness and it comes back to smack you in the middle of the night from a random portal. The best part about Rick’s roasts is that they are so harsh, but like he isn’t wrong, so you can’t even get mad.

“I hate to break it to you, but what people call ‘love’ is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it.”

Yep. Basically called his marriage a waste of intergalactic energy. Rick’s wisdom was always well seasoned with a hint of existential doubt.

All Round Clap-back King: Kaiba — Yu-Gi-Oh!

Seto Kaiba from Yu-Gi-Oh!

“I’m not going to sit here and talk to some mutated hood ornament! I’m just going to knock you into next week!”

If I ever needed a grill, I’d put my burgers on Seto Kaiba because all he did was flame people. Was nobody going to hold down the sauciest human in duel monsters? He didn’t care about who you thought you were, he was ready with three blue eyes, white dragons, and his Burlington Coat Factory Trench Coat. Are we not going to talk about him being willing to sacrifice his own life so that he won’t lose a game? Seto Kaiba?

The one who said:
“It would be more of a challenge playing Solitaire than to be dueling an actual opponent.”

Kaiba: “So you got a dweeb army. Is that supposed to make me afraid to attack?”

Dartz: “No, not unless destroying an innocent soul concerns you.”

Kaiba:“As a president of a major corporation, I have to do that everyday.”

If I ever had to create a roast team, Seto Kaiba would be in the running for the captain. 10/10 would purchase diss track.

Honorable Mention: Deadpool — Deadpool Comics

Forget ’bout Wade from the movies (sorry Ryan), let’s focus on this merc in the panels. Deadpool is so annoying, people are rolling their eyes in advance. He comes ready with the clap-backs for you and for himself. My favorite thing about DP is that he just doesn’t shut up. It’s almost as if he always has something at the back of his mind.

Panels from Deadpool Comic

Woman:“Cool suit, Spidey, what’s your sign?”
Deadpool:“Uh, cancer I guess”

Deadpool's Wedding, Deadpool #27

Shiklah: If we were following my customs, we’d be sacrificing a virgin right now.
Deadpool: Yeah, well, Spider-Man’s not here.

The best part about throwing “these hands” with Wade is that everybody could catch them. Even himself. Sometimes self-destruction is the best method of disposal. When it’s time to stir the pot, at times it is nice to put in the ingredients one by one. Other times you just gotta throw in the potatoes with the carrots. Deadpool is the type to throw in the potatoes, carrots, and the corn all in one go. We’re all part of this clap back soup.

Granted, there are many roasters that didn’t make my shade throwing roster. But I guarantee you, if any of these characters were to pull up and snatch your plate stacked with the mac, collards, and yams, you’d have to put up a fight right quick. Whether you’re celebrating the oncoming holidays with the fam, or Netflix and Chillin’ in your blanket fort, these characters are bound to warm you up for the rest of the season.

Cover Photo courtesy of Southern Living.com.

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  • Khadjiah Johnson is a Caribbean-American writer and humor advocate who uses poetry and comedy as a leverage to empathize and uplift. Her work has taken her to Madison Square Garden, Lincoln Center, Apollo Theater, BET, Off-Broadway and many more! She hopes to use her talents to sway her way into the writers room for a Late Night Comedy Show.

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