An Open Letter to The Starks: Y’all Need to Take Better Care of Your Wolves

***Spoilers for Game of Thrones Episode “The Door” to follow. You’ve been warned.***

Hey Stark childrens,

Gather round and lemme holler at y’all with a story for a minute bout some real rap raw loyalty shit. I like dogs, but I’m not a die hard dog person. I’m not the you-can-lick-me-on-the-mouth type. My brother loves dogs though. In 2003 he brought this little black pitbull puppy with a white arrow on his nose over to mom’s house. I was playing with the puppy and he wandered by the kitchen table, and Mom was sayin’, “OhoOo—OoOoO—OooO- TRAVIS! He ’bout to pee!” I took my sock off and tossed it at the puppy and he nailed it. He looked back at me as if to say, “Aye man, thank you. You’re alright.” I lost a sock that day but gained a friend in Exodus. Whenever we met he always remembered me for the assist.

It needs to be said that Exodus is the coolest dog I’ve ever met in my life. When he walked into a room everyone would go “Ayyyyyyye! Exodus!” like he was Norm from Cheers. Exodus never barked and just felt more like the chillest person than a dog. When not engaging with anyone he’d just stare out the window picking out which squirrel he was goin’ to fade once he made it outside. One time when visiting him at Travis’ place, Exodus was on top of the balcony while I was in the driveway, a good 40 feet away. I saw a huge snake Harlem-shaking his way towards me. Before I reached the “shit” portion in my “Ohhhhh shit” yell, this dude Exodus was already by my side muscled up like, “what’s the problem? Who got a fucking problem?” For years we’d run through the woods together and even in his old age he’d be limping but still goin’, which just reminded me that the homie was getting on in his years.

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Exodus was getting worse as he got older and had an accident that left him bleeding from the noise profusely. My brother had to make a hard call on letting Ex live after that as he could literally die from blood loss (the accident could easily happen again) or he could put’em down. The doctors weren’t telling Travis which way to go with his decision, so Travis did what he thought was best not for himself or the family, but for Exodus. In September 2015 (the most chill dog I ever came to know and love) Exodus’ watch ended.

Now I said all that to say this: If I was living in y’all’s world as a Stark and Exodus was my pitbull-breed direwolf, on my fucking life if shit goes down and he is dead fighting for my life, you can guarantee my ass is gone too. I went out swinging back-to-back with Ex like the cover of Lethal Weapon.

[quote_simple]”I’m not goin’ bury my direwolf! My direwolf goin’ bury me!”[/quote_simple]

You fucking Stark kids, man. You fucking Stark kids out here losing y’all’s partnas? I said Partnas! Not pets. Not companions, muhfuckin’ partnas, ride or dies, your fucking sigil bannermen out to the wild, man. Y’all got the game all the way fucked up. Fuck the North remembering right now, the hood still remembers how Lady went out. Lady was the first Stark direwolf to take the fucking “L”, an “L” that wasn’t even hers to take too. Ned had to fuckin’ ice Lady because Cersei was pettier than all fuck, man. Shit, you mean to tell me the glass ceiling comes for your gender no matter the species too doe? For really real? Ned walked over to her somber as hell and Lady was like,”oh hey man… you gon’ take this collar off? Kinda tight around the neck, nah mean? Oh you’re petting me? Never spent much time doing that before but okay…”


“…ummm what’s with the knife? Whoa! WHOA! AYE, I AIN’T E’UN DO NUTTIN’!”
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Remember back when Joffrey was being a fuckboy then turned that fuckboyedness toward Arya holding her at sword point? Nymeria saw that shit and kept it a fucking buck as she ran up on Joffrey with the clamp to the hand? Arya tossed Joffrey’s piece into the river and they bounced from the scene of the crime. Arya had Nymeria dip ’cause she knew they’d try to Earth her for what she did.

 

Then they came for the big homie Grey Wind, man. Grey Wind was the fucking Arn Anderson enforcer of this piece. Grey Wind grew up and was fighting by Robb Stark’s side and had more bodies than your local morgue. Grey Wind was the definition of an animal, man. My man was taking no shit. NO SHIT. When you got a direwolf going into war with you? Going off and coppin’ fades all on his lonesome then coming back to you as if clocking off of a 9 to 5, you better do everything in your power to keep that muhfucka alive. That Grey Wind was real as hell, and what Robb do? Had him locked up ’cause the boy would get antsy around folk. Grey Wind got that taste for blood and was lookin’ at folks like they weren’t even fit to manicure his paws. Robb got fucking GOT while his homie was locked up.

Them cats came out after betraying Robb and went straight for Grey Wind and merked him. Grey Wind had to be like, “Oh this is that bullshit I was talking about (10 stabs). Y’all wanna stab me? Y’all wanna kill the realest soldier in the platoon? (34 stabs) You ungrateful ass bastards (56 stabs in). YOU WANNA EUTHANIZE ME? WELL COME ON THEN! (67 stabs… 87… stabs… 109 stabs… 118 stabs) …shoulda ran up North with Nymeria when I had the chance…”

Remember what Robb said when the Starks first found their pups and Theon was bein a buzzkill?

[quote_simple]“The pups may die anyway, despite all you do.”
“They won’t die,” Robb said. “We won’t let them die.” [/quote_simple]

Okay Robb…

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What the fuck, Starks. The direwolves are like your own personal 90’s version of death row Suge Knight. Robb, the fuck you locking him up for? “Ooooh he gets really bloodthirsty and antsy.” …And? Muhfuckas out here choppin’ ya daddy’s head off on the block kid! Trust NO damn body. The North remembered that shit till the (Michael) Boltons came up in the spot with the fuck shit. Fuck shit has killed more people and especially direwolves in this series than… I can’t even finish the joke because I figuratively can’t think of anything else. Fuck shit is the leading cause of animal companion death in Westeros.

Ghost almost got fucking clipped on that shit too when Jon locked him away. Jon locked his boy up and got the acupuncture treatment to the abs. He came back to life and Ghost was lookin’ at him like, “And that’s what ya dumbass gets for putting me away. The fuck wrong with you, man. You think an oath gon’ stop fuckboys from doing fuck shit? Hell no! You know what stops them? Me and these fangs, and that Valyrian steel piece on your hip with me on the hilt. Lockin’ me up… must be out your fucking mind, man. I should howl at Nymeria to get me ’cause y’all on that dumb shit up here.”

Then… then they got my boy, man. They got Shaggy Dog, man. Shaggy Dog was my fucking favorite and he had only like, what, 4 appearances on screen? Shaggs had the best fucking entrance growlin’ at Summer and Bran till Rickon called for him while stepping out the pitch blackness in the underground tunnel. “Heeeeeeere Shaggy Dooooooooog.” THAT WAS MY SHIT. You gon’ tell me the only all-Black everything dog, the wildest, most fuck-all-y’all wolf in this piece got fucking GOT when Rickon and Osha got caught and took to the Boltons? THEY KILLED SHAGGY DOG OFF FUCKING SCREEN? THEY KILLED MY MANS OFF SCREEN DOE? COME ON, MAN! NOT SHAGS! NOT FUCKIN’ SHAGS. On everything, if that was me, Rickon if I was you, I wouldn’t be around to see how that shit played out with the Boltons because once you kill my dog I’m killing everybody. There’s no taking me in alive or unconscious, you gonna have to merk me because I’m only here to settle the fucking score with no mercy rule in place.

Now we come to Summer. Everybody is like “Oh Summer sacrificed himself for Bran.” The fuck he did. Bran, Summer been there for your ass since you got knocked out the tower. Guarding your ass day in and night out. Letting you woge into his mind free of rent and shit, escaping with your ass past up North, encountering fuckboys human and magical and then when y’all finally got some peace in the caves with the Three-Eyed Raven you had to go and be THAT guy. You using your woge’n skills like it’s the Internet to go back into the past and shit. Summer lookin’ at you like,

“Aye man maybe you should listen to the old raisin-lookin’ dude in the tree and not stay in the past all long… oh you just…you just gon’ woge back there anyway. Okay… You know I see what you see, right? Oh you just… see an army of frozen popsicles and you going to walk through them… oooookay? Oh you see the fucking original Mr. Freeze Ice King but you not gon’ run? He sees you… he sees you! ANNNNNNNND HE GRABBED YOU! ANNNNNNNNND HE KNOWS WHERE THE FUCK WE AT! GREAT! FUCKING GREAT! Oh… oh y’all goin’ back into the past….

OH GREAT YOU SEE HODOR BACK WHEN HE WAS IN HIS PRIME AND YOU STARIN’ INTO HIS SOUL AND YOU JUST CREATED A FUCKING TIME PARADOX AND ALL HE IS HEARING IS HOLD THE FUCKING DOOR! GREEEEEEEAT! THIS IS ALL FUCKING PERFECT! THE FUCK, DUDE! BUTTERFLY EFFECT, MAN! I’M A WOLF AND EVEN I KNOW ABOUT THE FUCKING BUTTERFLY EFFECT OH-MY-GAAAAWD! You just went back in fucking time and gave Hodor a K-22 paper jam! Wait… HOW THE FUCK DID THE SNOW MEN GET HERE SO FAST?

They’re killing the leafy cabbage patch kids now? OH SHIT THEY CLAPPED THE RAISIN DUDE IN THE TREE TOO? OOOOOOH MY FUCKING GAAAWD YOU GOT TO BE SHITTING ME. *sees Meera calling to him as Hodor drags Bran to escape* MMMMM — yeaaaaaah *looks at invading horde* uhmmmm *looks back at the squad*…”


“You know what?… Fuck it. The afterlife gotta be better than this shit.”

“West Side Westeros wigits! Was bumpin? Folk gang! 12! 12! 12!”

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Summer ain’t sacrifice shit. Summer just saw his boy fuck up the damn timeline… or maybe it was supposed to happen all along, or maybe because Bran did that… You know what? Nope. Summer didn’t even wanna figure that shit out or deal with the comments section in the next scroll that gets sent out by Raven. This shit is wyld out here, man. Y’all Starks had the red and black NWO wolf pack, man. Y’all had a literal 6 pack, man. Y’all Stark kids were soul connected to the views from the 6 (literally) and now y’all down to fucking 2.

Sansa, you exempt from this cause the “L” found you and Lady. Y’all ain’t seek that shit out… I mean you coulda told the truth instead of pleading the ‘I dunno’ when the king asked what happened but whatever. Robb and Rickon… SMDH. Bran I don’t even wanna fucking make eye contact with your ass for another 5 episodes, dude. Jon don’t do that dumb shit again. You better start riding Ghost everywhere and bathing with him ’cause he the only one that got ya back. Arya, good shit. You knew what was up before all of us.

Ghost and Nymeria… you all we got, baby. It’s all on y’all. If you guys decide to up and leave instead of taking the All Dogs Go to Heaven route, there ain’t a single one of us that would blame you.

Ghost: Mmm hmm I hear ya

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Post Credits: After a few months Travis got a another pitbull, a grey one this time around. A rescue he named Raja. Raja was used as a bait dog for fighting so he got them Jon Snow scars on ’em, but he is very happy with his new life now.

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  • Omar Holmon is Black Nerd Problem's Nerd Correlation Expert. No matter the topic, he'll find a way to link it to comics, pop culture, or some obscure reference that only six people will get.

  • Show Comments

  • Tali

    Thank you. Thank you, thank you. The direwolves deserve better. Someone should start a direwolf rescue and save them from those Starks.

  • elwebb

    File under: Where Is The Lie?

  • Christian Rennels

    My thoughts exactly, with less “F**ks”.

  • Li

    and if lyin a$$ Sansa Stark gets Ghost killed, I will be officially done with Game of Thrones

    • malingose

      hadn’t thought about that possibility but that would depress me to no end. that can’t happen.

  • Mina Montgomery-Matosi

    One of the funniest monologues I’ve ever read. What a great ear you have for dialogue

  • Mike

    It’s ‘warg’ for the record.

  • Samara

    This is the most correct thing about Game of Thrones I’ve ever read. Also, Exodus sounds like a top-rank dog and I’m sorry you lost him. Raja looks very handsome, though!

  • Dangbattleship

    THANK YOU

  • Dayo

    Just to subscribe

  • Kat

    I’m with you all the way! Nothing better happen to ghost (glad he decided to sit out of The Battleof the Bastards) and it is time for Nymeria to make an appearance!

  • ca

    you sould read the books. shaggy and summer are still alive and theres a few mentions of nymeria and arya dreams about her. also jon can warg into ghost. they are way more important and meaningful than the way the show portrayed them.

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