This week, Marvel brought some good news exclusively to The View because if there’s some comic shit going on, Elizabeth Hasselbeck needs to fucking know. It turns out that soon, Thor will find himself unworthy to wield his hammer, Mjolnir and it will find itself falling into the hands of a woman. Now, just like anything else in comics, this garnered just as many eye-rolls and angry message board comments as it did cheers and hand-holds. Because the internet. Ideally, we are here to help keep the peace in the public arena with a little “tough love”, if you will. That’s why we’ve compiled a few fun reasons that some of you naysayers might consider shutting what we here at Black Nerd Problems affectionately refer to as “the fuck up.”
1). This Isn’t the First Time. In Alex Ross’ 1999 future vision of the Marvel Universe, Earth X, Asgard’s resident trickster, Loki, conned Odin into making the God of Thunder into a woman to teach him humility. Because sometimes, Thor can be kind of an asshole. The Thunder Goddess was one of many concepts Ross has put together in a sketchbook for Wizard Magazine after the success of his team up with Mark Waid for DC’s Kingdom Come. The Wizard issue sold out almost immediately and prompted Marvel to commission Ross to expand the sketches into an actual limited comic series. Now, it would be irresponsible of me to say that it was all because there happened to be a female Thor design included, but there certainly wasn’t such a negative response considering Earth X ended up being greenlighted for two sequels.
Also, remember the DC vs. Marvel crossover? Thor got into a throwdown with Shazam (presumably because he wasn’t ready for Superman to handle him), lost track of his hammer only for it to fall into the hands of Wonder Woman who was transformed into an ascended “OhMyGodThatIsntEvenFair” Mode. Granted, she ditched the hammer because she wanted to kick Storm’s ass one on one, but it happened so it counts.
And speaking of Storm….
Fortunately, this back in ’88 before she was married to the Black Panther. Otherwise, I suspect their divorce would have gotten pretty ugly.
2). Thor Was A FROG Once. If you’re more okay with Thor being a frog than you are with Thor being a woman, we need to have an entirely different discussion.
3). It’s In Good Hands. Jason Aaron has been making miracles happen in Thor: God of Thunder. He really seems to get Thor and tells stories on an epic scale befitting a comic book about a “GOD.” During his run, we’ve seen the Avenger team up with his past and future selves, find himself a new girlfriend (Jane Foster has moved on with a real estate agent), take on a god slayer, unify the nine realms when nobody in centuries could do so, battle trolls, minotaurs and Galactus himself. With Russell Dauterman taking over for Esad Ribic in the art department, we’re pretty hopeful about what’s to come if his work on Greg Rucka’s Cyclops book is any indication.
4). You Haven’t Even Read It Yet. Look, folks, we in the nerd community are horrible about this. The Batman/Superman Bromance movie has a couple of screenshots with no trailer in sight and has been slandered all up and down every corner of the internet. In that same vein, a change that hasn’t happened yet in a comic book that has, so far, received a considerable amount of praise is now being slandered while shitty books like New 52: Future’s End have been allowed to live on for eleven issues now.
5). It Could Very Well Turn Out Awesome! And as one of several people who is STILL eating his choice words because of how awesome Superior Spider-Man turned out in its last leg, I’m here to tell you: You do NOT want to be on the wrong side of history when/if “that time Thor was a woman” ends up, by chance, receiving widespead acclaim. Bare in mind, the ONLY reason Doctor Who’s principal character is a completely different person every go-round is because the first guy died and the studio had to come up with a reason to explain why Doctor looks so different all of a sudden. 50 years later, this idea has become an institution and regeneration is an unavoidable mainstay in the longest running sci-fi series EVER. Rest assured that any naysayers from yesteryear who’re still around to see the Doctor on the billboard in Times Square and the rabid internet fandom is most likely eating several bowlfuls of crow at the moment. And you don’t want to be the one shouting at the rain so soon when (see #4).
6). We All Know It’s Not Permanent. I mean, come on, you would think fanboys would have figured this out by now. Even the trolls’ collective memory shouldn’t be this short term. Watch this:
Exhibit A: Steve Rogers died, Bucky became Captain America for a few years, Steve came back. The End.
Exhibit B: Bruce Wayne died(ish), Dick Grayson became Batman, Bruce came back. The End.
Exhibit C: Clint Barton died, Kate Bishop became Hawkeye, Clint came back, he let Kate keep the name. There are now two Hawkeyes. The End.
Exhibit D: Clark Kent died. A cyborg, a black guy, a teen clone and an ancient Kryptonian intelligence all became Superman. Simultaneously. Clark came back. The End.
Now, repeat this process for Flash, The Atom, Green Arrow, Speedy, Green Lantern, Ghost Rider, Iron Man, Ant Man, Spider-Man, etc. This has gone on for decades. And now that there are two Thors (three if you count Beta Ray Bill), fanboys are suddenly acting like Ragnarok is upon us and comics as we know them are coming to an end. Wolverine’s dying and we all know he’ll be back just in time for the new movie Hugh Jackman’s been contracted for, coming in 2017.
7). You Could Always Just Read Something Else. In the vast wasteland of fanwhining, the biggest complaint I hear is “Instead of messing with established characters to make their comics friendlier to women, why doesn’t Marvel just make their existing female characters better or more accessible?” Guess what? There are really good alternatives if you just can’t stand seeing Thor with boobs because Marvel is better with female heroes than you think. Black Widow, She-Hulk, Ms. Marvel, Captain Marvel….all of these are excellent, highly praised female oriented books in current rotation. In fact, there is an X-Men book that specifically features and ALL WOMEN X-TEAM led by none other than Storm (see #1). You could read one of those and be satisfied. Unless you’re a troll, of course. But then again, if you’re a troll, my assumption is that you’ll never be satisfied or else you wouldn’t be a troll.