Dear Mr. Robot,
*R. Kelly’s “You Saved Me” plays in the background* I just…*hands over mouth* …damn it I told myself I wasn’t gonna ugly-cry over the joy of this… *thug tears free fall from eyes* …I just wanna say thank you. *6 god prayer hands in the air* Honestly, from the bottom of my Paypal account. Y’all saved the summer. You didn’t have to do it, but you did, and I appreciate that.
Like the rest of America I was hyped up for that True Detective Season 2. It didn’t matter the cast was ehhhhh, I was down for the cause… until the cause turned out to be more painful than cats that stop you on the street, clipboard in hand, trying to talk about the importance of glacier algae that’s going extinct and why you should care. Maybe I should care but I fucking don’t, man. I don’t, yo. I hate you, that clipboard you’re holding, and this conversation you’re forcing on me even though I had headphones on. That’s what True Detective season 2 was, a forced fuckin’ conversation that you had to finish. It was safe to say this summer was a goddamn bust. That is, until you glorious muthafuckas came on the scene out of nowhere, talkin’ bout “FIRST LEMME HOP OUT THE MF’N TV GUIDE.”
I ain’t even hear about y’all on Tumblr. You dropped on the scene like Beyonce’s secret album. I didn’t wanna try y’all at first, I’ma be honest. I was still waiting outside HBO everyday at midday when the sun was highest in the sky, harassing their staff for my time back, plus interest. Then I finally set aside a day and saw the glory that y’all were blessing on blessing on blessing us with. My dude from Night at the Museum, Rami Malek, out here as the lead with his Egyptian ass goin’ “What it do?” being a vigilante hacker named Elliot? He out here up in everybody’s business deep too, like page-34-of-a-Google-search deep. I ain’t even know hacking went that deep. For us it’s just typin’ in someone’s whole name on Facebook, Twitter, or the ‘grams, and if that shit is set to private… weeeeelp, you tried.
Sheeeeeeeeeit that don’t stop my man Elliot for nothing. Dude be knowin what angle you use on the dick pics you send out, how many bounced check payments you got, what pretentious Starbucks *enter pretentious long overtly dragged out type of drink including pumpkin spice and ending with vente* latte you get every morning, the NSFW furry stuff you be X’ing out of when your boss is walkin’ by your cubicle, and the social security number of the neighbor stealing your wi-fi.
Mr. Robot is alive and is what the movies Hackers and The Net wanted to be back in ’95. Y’all puttin USA network on the fuckin’ board, man. Guess y’all got tired of Suits runnin’ shit once Burn Notice chucked deuces. Shit, the plot and movement y’all got goin on must have you guys doin’ USA up all night numbers… nobody remembers that? I said too much. See, this is why hacking me would be useless cause I say all my dirt aloud. Also, I noticed something…
Being a hacker looks expensive as hell, yo. You gotta do all that dismantling just to wipe your shit? That’s too much for me, man. I can’t be unscrewing shit, I am not that tech savvy. You need me to find a meme or a GIF via the Internet? I got it. You need me to do something with the Pentium processor? …flux capacitor? …Bow flex? Then you’re just talkin’ Latin as far as I’m concerned. I just found out you gotta pay for Photoshop like a week ago, and that shit seems savage to me so I am clearly out of touch with things. Y’all doing the Lawd’s work though and I love that Elliott has all these social anxieties and awkwardness but doesn’t shy away from when it’s time to bang out. It really deviates from the typical recluse stereotype. I’m ’bout it.
Also, I gotta say that thirst is so trill on twitter for #MrRami as well. I’m talking TCFW (Too Cute For Work) tweet-at-your-own-risk type shit.
— southerncynic (@southerncynic) August 12, 2015
But that’s how you know the show is fuckin’ good for reals.