Instead of Listening To Sound Cloud Links Sent To Me On Twitter I Watched ‘Fifty Shades Freed’

I should start by saying I’d like to apologize to whatever Norse Gods I offended that lead to me being assigned reviewing this film. I’ll sacrifice three curried goats plates and seven bundles of virgin Brazilian hair to never end up here again. I should also say before this film I had never watched or read anything Fifty Shades, even that goofy ass Wayans brothers’ parody (truly why in the name of sweet nappy-haired Baby Black Jesus are these things still happening in this here year of our Lord Viola Davis 2018?). I did breeze over two reviews, one from what I believe is a woman of color, who calls it an anti-feminist ignorant hate anthem and one from a white woman who champions it as an ode to consent and the #metoo movement. So, honestly, I went into this with an open mind already knowing I was fucked. So here is a list of 10 things I wish I would have done instead of slowly dying through Fifty Shades Freed. 1. Teach Amy Nicholson of Variety Magazine what the word consent means

2. and feminism

3. …and that marriage is not the ultimate contract of consent. I am a strong believer what we need to stop telling young girls in elementary school that when a boy pushes her off the swings it means he has a crush on her. We need to stop associating abusive behavior with love. The Fifty Shades franchise is a study on possessiveness and mental/emotional abuse. I know, I know, Country First Twitter would lead you to believe a normal consensual practice between two (or more if you’re …