Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is a ‘film’ made in 1972. The same year as The Godfather and Blackula. 1972 was a weird year. The movie has some of the best worst acting in the history of movies and is rivaled only by The Room and Birdemic. Truly a lesser-known classic, Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is something that should be viewed at least once in everyone’s lifetime. What better time than the beginning of the year?
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny starts off with a beautiful symphony sung by children dressed as Santa’s elves. As the children sing a jaunty tune that is indiscernible for the most part, they realize that Santa is late. The reindeer that look like cows, by the way, are all there but Santa’s NOT HERE! WHERE THE FUCK IS SANTA?! One elf hammers a stuffed animal by the way. Like, she just beats the stuffed monkey’s head. Anyway, Santa is stuck on a beach in Florida. All of his reindeer chucked up the deuces and flew back to the North Pole because it was too hot. Santa sings a song about how hot he is which is eighty percent of his dialogue in this movie. How many times can Santa say how hot he is? The answer will surprise you. The trailer basically has the feel of the entire movie in less than two minutes.
Santa falls asleep without getting heat stroke because he’s magical, but before that, he telepathically calls children to him. Did you know Santa was a mutant? Santa has the Phoenix Force. So children come from all around wherever in Florida this is supposed to be. Some children are playing with pets. Some children are wrestling in the grass, and a couple is hanging out on the roof of their houses with umbrellas that they use to jump down safely. They find Santa on the beach with his sleigh stuff in literally less than a foot of sand. Either of these magical children can just scoop the sand, but no, he’s much too stuck. They sing another machiavellian tune, and then the children bring Santa a variety of animals including a horse and a pig to try to pull him out of the sand. However, all of that fails, but a little girl brings her dog and exclaims that her dog can do anything. A real Star Platinum dog. Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn are also here for some reason watching this all happen. It’s an actual plot, I swear.
Here is where the move goes even more off the rails. That was essentially the entire plot of the movie, but this movie is 96 minutes long. How does THAT equal 96 minutes? This is where Santa starts telling the children the story of Thumbelina or Jack and the Beanstalk. That’s right there are two versions of this movie. Santa then tells the story of Thumbelina or Jack and the Beanstalk which is at least AN HOUR LONG. Let me tell you something. The first time I watched this movie, I forgot that it was Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. I thought I was watching Thumbelina. I had to pause it and check. This movie is 96 minutes, and 60 or more of it is dedicated to an entirely separate production of one of those fairy tales. They just play the entire adaptation with no real context.
You might be wondering where the ice cream bunny is in this movie since it’s called Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. Well, the little girl’s dog that can do anything finds help for Santa. Guess what that help is? This dog goes off and summons the Ice Cream Bunny, and in the most nightmare fueled scene ever created, the Ice Cream Bunny drives his car with children and whatever the fuck else inside of it while blaring a silent hill type siren and I can’t fully explain how this scene made me feel.
It was a mix of curiosity and fear. The Ice Cream Bunny picks Santa up from his sleigh, and then the sleigh is teleported to the North Pole. Making the entire plot pointless if Santa could just do that all along. The movie ends abruptly with shots of Florida, and then the credits roll. A true masterpiece.
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is a film unlike any other. It’s a movie that features another entirely different film that’s longer than the actual main film: groundbreaking. Should you watch Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny? Yes. It’s something that must be experienced once in everyone’s life. I’m not recommending this movie. That’s not what this is for. In hindsight, this movie shouldn’t exist and it shouldn’t be viewed but it has to exist, and it must be viewed.
You might not understand this now, but in time, you will. I’m just trying to get the new year started with an unforgettable event. An event called Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. Don’t get stranded in Florida.