The Foreigner Trailer: Jackie Chan Is Not Fucking Around With Y’all Anymore

How am I even supposed to intro this? How am I even supposed to- What? What are we- How did we even get here? I don’t know but I’m thanking God, Bast, and every Hokage pre-Edo-Tensei, that Jackie Chan is gracing us undeserving serfs with the action movie we deserve. Not just any action movie, this is Chan putting his stack down for an Old Man Logan, John Wick, Equalizer rendition. I am humbled by this trailer, this is all I’ve ever wanted to see from Jackie Chan. Lemme just show y’all the real right now. I need you to see this blessing before we proceed.

*Stands up in Super Saiyan transformation stance and yells for the equivalent of three episodes of Dragon Ball Z* ARRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOOOOOO-OOOOH MY GAWD?! What are you doing to the game right now Jackie? Don’t do it to’em baby! You killin’em right now Jackie. Yo, this story is based off a ’92 novel but it’s mad simple, Ngoc Minh Quan (Jackie Chan), a resturant owner, wants revenge for his daughter being killed by a bombing due to Irish terrorist. Ngoc out here dropping stacks for names. Ngoc is thirsty as fuck (rightfully so) for the names of those responsible for merkin his kid.

Ngoc dropping stacks to find these folks and been calling his local representatives about it non-stop. Liam Hennessey (Pierce Brosnon) is that rep and he tellin’ Ngoc he dunno what’s going on or any of the men responsible. First off, we know not to trust dude cause his surname is Hennessey. Ngoc know he lyin’ too and starts making duke’s life, campaign run, store run, daily jog, support of Brexit, a living hell.

It’s a simple plot but what makes this shit so hard is we ain’t ever seen Jackie Chan like this. He got mission impossible explosion’d over a car with both legs in the air, glass embedded in his face, and his baby taken from him to boot? You done took that man’s child? Everybody gotta go. This ain’t the Jackie Chan that’s throwing a punch then shaking his hand comedically after it connects. Nah son, muhfuckas gotta die. Ain’t no jokes in this movie. That man ain’t smiling for a damn in this movie cause ain’t shit funny. Ain’t shit hee-hee- haw-haw in this *****.

When we ever seen Jackie Chan go this hard on a character? To see an actor/action star that’s so at home in comedy step out of that comfort zone and give you that work? Give you that reminder of, “Oh no, You ain’t pigeon-holing me. I can do drama too. Watch me work.”

Look at that man’s face. LOOK AT THAT MAN’S FACE! Jackie Chan went to the fucking void for Ngoc Minh Quan’s character! That’s a man that’s seen things right there. That’s a man that’s ready to die homie. That’s the face of a man that beats your ass in Street Fighter with a perfect ten out of ten times. That’s the face of a man that went to McDonald’s and got told the flurry machine is broke for the last time. Ngoc isn’t playing with y’all or this white terrorism shit either. That’s a man with a face that’s letting you know somebody gots to go and don’t expect any funny bloopers during the credits. Ain’t goin be no bloopers just ya man stacking up body bags.

You can’t tell me this movie isn’t bout to be flames. Jackie Chan is holding a choppa y’all. Jackie Chan got the same choppa that Samurai Jack came back with in season 5. Ngoc pulling out a choppa that ain’t even on the market yet man. Yo, when the last time we saw Jackie Chan use a gun? I mean actually, use a gun and not throw the entire gun at someone. Laaaaawd, and you got Martin Campbell director of 007, Casino Royale for this? “Didn’t he direct Green Lantern?” You shut your mouth! Plus, Big K.R.I.T. doing the theme song on this? It was game over for everyone once that Big K.R.I.T. track knocked cause you KNOW Jackie Chan dunno how to act once that hip-hop beat drops.

What are we even talking about? Yo, fuck writing anything else for this trailer. Jackie Chan is giving you drama. Jackie Chan is giving you levels right here. Jackie isn’t here to joke around with y’all this time around. My man ain’t coming for the jewels, he ain’t coming for your chain, my man wants names. “Gimme the names” is the new send nudes as far as Jackie Chan is concerned and I’m with it. I’m sold. This is the Jackie Chan I knew I always wanted to see. I’m already opening a space for Ngoc Minh Quan in my favorite action hero’s list. I suggest y’all do the same come October 13th, 2017.

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