Everybody gets into Star Wars differently. One of my father’s first dates with my mother was seeing Star Wars. The only movies I’ve ever seen with my father, aside from Black Panther and Amistad (realizes how Black af our movie record is together), is Star Wars Episode I-III. I remember watching the originals on VHS and as the story continues with Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, I notice so do the L’s for The Resistance. No disrespect, I’m all for the cause of raging against the evil empire (anyone catch that reference?). I’m with the resist shits… but we’re not going to act like this side of history hasn’t taken “L” after fucking “L” man.
“Yeah, we took down the Death Star… how many years ago was that (0 BBY)? Are we still holding onto that win on some Al Bundy once scored 4 touchdowns in one game shit? I’m just saying, there comes a time when you’re like, “Aye, I know the Empire is corrupt and I’d never defect… but their benefits package tho.” I’d be so annoyed as a soldier in The Resistance because every movie it feels like they just get more bad news or updates on worse news. Taking down the Galatic Empire / First Order has become a group project where the Resistance and The Jedis (whats left of them) keep getting partial credit. For real man, imagine reading the galactic newspaper headlines and finding out how much worse shit has gotten on a daily basis.
Multiple Jedis Slain in Drive-by (may be gang-related)
“WHAT THE FUCK? Have yall seen the latest headline? They murked all the Jedis?! All the Jedis, my guy! They all got
86’d Order 66’d. Oh, my gawd! I’ma be sick. Aw man, is Kenobi okay? God, I hope Mace is good. Mace. Mace Windu. *sigh* The one black Jedi in the f’n universe guys. Yeah, him. It says, the clones turned on them?! Oh, an army of clones turned and betrayed yall out of nowhere. This is what happens when you try to cut corners on labor costs. The fucking force midi-chlorians–mitochondria- fuckin’ micromachines whatever didn’t warn them about this? Ugh. What are we going do now guys? huh? It’s all fucked up now! What are we supposed to do now?” Ugh, we’re going to have to start a resistance aren’t we?
Things go to shit: Han’s soul on carbonite, Leia captured, and Luke wounded.
“Yoooooooo, it’s looking real fucking rough right now for this resistance shit man. Han got knocked? Lando betrayed him? Damn. It be your own thieves that you thick with. They had that man’s soul on carbonite? Why carbonite look like creamy nougat filling tho? Han looking like he got frozen in a 3 Musketeers bar. That shit is straight up embarrassing. Leia is the prisoner of Jabba? How you taken orders from a giant slug, first of all. Plus, they got your girl in the sexist bikini starter kit too. Lord, even as aliens, men are straight trash bin.
Luke got his hand cut off by his Vader? That’s the sword version of getting crossed over in basketball. Wait, his Daddy is Darth Vader? What the fuuuuuuck? How you cut off your own son’s hand? That’s just weird…space white people are ruthless, my god. Hold on, didn’t Luke almost make out with Leia then find out that’s his sister? Is the family tree a weeping freaking willow cause this shit is all sad man.”
Death Star Destroyed! Annoying Long War Damn Near Done
“Yes! Oh my god yes! Ughhhh! It’s all over, baby. We did it. Oooooh, my god, it’s all over. It’s finally all over. Thank you, Lord. Ugh, finally. The evil has been defeated. The universe is saved. We are good. It just feels like everything is wrapped up, ya know? Like the story has been told, and there’s no other war to draw it out or milk the issue. This feels like closure guys. This feels like closure.”
Starkiller Reconstruction on Space Hwy 495 Complete
“… Oh, come the fuck on! How’d they even–ughhh—where do they even get the funding for this shit? Why are we still fighting this fucking waaaaar? How’d no one notice this thing being built in space?! This is just the Death Star with a fashionable belt! Who hates planets this fucking much? Is everyone in the First Order (or whatever the fuck this new evil is) a failed astronaut or something? Who hates planets this damn much? Do they use pictures of Carl Sagan for target practice”
Han Solo Slain By Emo Goth Son
“Am I reading this right? Han was killed… by his own son? Son got son’d by his own son? What the fuck is up with this family, yo? Han Solo caught the hot butter knife through the fucking body? Homie was the baddest smuggler in the galaxy and got an L smuggled into his cargo? Solo got rolled on dolo by Bolo (Ben Solo)? I can’t take much more of this.”
Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo’s Sacrifice Gets Her Buried a Fuckin’ G
“Man listen, I done seen some G shit in my life but that was the most G. Vice Admiral Holdo took out a whole fucking fleet with a lightspeed attack. My initial thought was, “Holdo don’t give a fuuuuuuck!” My second thought was, “Arghhhh, I left my Wookie onesie on that ship” and then I was like “so are we not court-martialing Poe for that coup ooooooor?” I ain’t ever seen a Hail Mary play in space like that before… Also, does anyone else realize we’re down to like mmmmmm 19 or 22 members of the resistance left, give or take?
We are legit looking like the last remnants of crumbs in the toaster. You know that sound that 5 Tick-Tacs make when you rattle them around in the case? That’s us right now. We’re looking like a startup in Silicon Valley right now–It’s a place on Earth– We’re looking like we’re the B squad of our own squad right now. Dude, are we…. are we just left with the bench players now? Why the fuck is Brad from accounting packing a blaster? Is this where we’re at? I am completely not comfortable with this in any capacity. I just wanna state that aloud.”
Luke Skywalker Collects His Own Fade
“Yeah, I was on the front lines for that shit and still couldn’t believe it. Luke came back after thirty years, and we thought he was goin’ take Kylo Ren out. We thought the war was won. Yeah, we fuckin thought. Fam, this man was just a force projection the entire time. A god damn hologram. Luke Skywalker basically died due to the strain of making a long-distance collect call across the galaxy. …That’s the best plan Luke came up with? How do you literally armchair quarterback a scramble? What?
Know what? *takes off helmet* I think I’m good. *takes off rebel patches* I’m good. I’ve been fighting in this war for I don’t even know how long. I’m tapping out. The chosen Jedi fought this dude as a Powerpoint presentation and died. There’s no coming back from that. What part of the raging against the machine this? Our ship went Thelma and Louise through the First Order, our numbers went from a full-fledged army to a fucking kickball team, we just lost Luke Fucking Skywalker on a fucking force conference call, and now we’re back to being on the run.
Yeah… *places helmet on the ground* I’m just gonna hand in my papers, take an honorable discharge, and get far far away from all of this.”
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