Watch The Remote: NatGeo Really Wants the Reality TV Crown

Art by Beapeabear

Listen, I don’t normally dabble into reality television, but I’ve been caught up in some shit before — there was Married at First Sight, Love and Hip-Hop, The Real World back when The Real World was good… reality television is just everywhere. But you know who will alway be the realest? The original reality TV? National Geographic. We’ve been so distracted with folk showing they ass 24/7 that National Geographic has been pushed to the back, been ignored, we Forgot About Dre’d NatGeo… and they’ve had damn near enough of that shit.

Over the weekend we all realized the end is nigh with the video of Hubert The Husband penguin coming home to find his wife Debra fucking around with Gary the Home Wrecker. The whole world watched Hubert fight the good fight in a stalemate just to have Debra side with Gary. Not once, but twice. What makes that shit even worse is that penguins are monogamous and mate for life.

Fam, Hubert came home and was like, “Word, Debra? Word? The fuck is Gary doing here? Word? Oh Gary understands you? Was Gary there for you when you wanted to star in Happy Feet? Was Gary the one bringing you salt water trout when you were bed ridden? You know how hard salt water trout is to find out here in the — Gary, I’m not talkin’ to you. I’m talkin’ to my wife. I’M TALKIN TO MY WIFE GARY, AIGHT? I’MA NEED YOU TO STEP OFF FOR YOU GET THE FLIPS. WELL WHAT’S UP THEN? WHAT’S UP, GARY?! COBBLEPOT SQUAD! COBBLE POT SQUAD, W**** (Penguin slur). YOU BRING THAT SHIT INTO MY BURROW, W****? SHARK WEEK, MUH FUCKA! SHARK WEEK, W****!

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The worst part was when it was a stalemate, then Debra claimed Gary, but Hubert went in for round 2. Started jabbin’ at Gary’s eyes with his beak and shit but still caught the L. The narrator talking ’bout “humiliated and defeated” as Hubert fucking trips over a branch. Come on, maaaaaan. Awwww, man y’all ain’t have to do Hubert like that.

We all thought that was it, but naw. NatGeo said if you thought penguins was wild, you ain’t even ready for this shit. You ain’t ready for this shit right here, my nature voyeur. We got a lizard running from a whole den of Slytherin. This shit felt like watching an episode of cops, man.

As far as I am concerned this shit is a remake of Escape From L.A. My man Labib the Lizard was minding his own business going out for a stroll and found himself running from this Orochimaru-ass snake out here trying to get ’em. Labib was juke’n Orochimaru, tryna make ’em look dumb as a muhfucka as he climbed over them rocks, but then he saw the whole Slyhterin squad come out with ready for the fuck shit. Labib said, “The fuuuuuuuuck, doe?” But here’s why I fuck with Labib: he either paid attention when his parents were talkin’ about snakes’ weaknesses or sat in on a showing of Jurassic Park ’cause he tested out the “standing still and not being detected by a T-Rex” method. My man said, “If I just do the #MannequinChallenge right now I should be good.”

The whole den of dunnies came out for dude, man. Labib was chillin’, waiting for Orochimaru to pass and then saw his break. MY. MAN. RAN. FOR. HIS. FUCKING. LIFE. Labib was All-State running back yo, y’all ain’t know he got that Carl Louis form.

Labib: *running over rocks* Y’all ain’t gon’ catch me. Y’all can’t handle the juice. I’m welches out this muhfucka. Got them turbo thrusters, y’all ain’t ’bout this life. YOU WASN’T WITH ME RUNNIN ON THE TRACK! I EAT 400s FOR BREAKFAST, BRUNCH, AND DINNER. 100 METERS ARE BOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS TO YA BOY, I’M BARRY ALLEN OUT THIS BI– *gets tangled up in a snake*

Me: NAH! YOU AIN’T COME THIS FAR JUST TO GET CAUGHT, LABIB! GET UP!
Rest of the office: *clapping hands* GET UP! COME ON, LABIB!
Labib: *arms starts shaking and rising up like when wrestlers are about to escape a sleeper hold* GEEEEET OFFFFF MEEEEE! ARGHHH! YOU GET THE HEISMAN AND YOU GET THE HEISMAN! YOU CAN’T HOLD ME! YOU CAN’T HOLD THE JUICE, MAN! I’M KILLIN’ YOU RIGHT NOW!

Not only did Labib cross over Orochimaru but he made the rest of his den of homies look stupid, snapping at his ankles and missing, literally getting a face full of sand. Dude missed his shot and fell off the face of the Earth. Dudes fell down to the pits of Hades. Labib finally got to the high ground and there was another lizard there that was watching the whole thing. That’s was the beeeest part.

Labib: Yo, you shouting World Star was not fucking helping, Laaj!
Laaj: Aye, somebody shouts World Star, that’s a clear sign to either fight or run for your life. You see what happened to Hubert the Penguin?

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Labib: …You right. You right. You saw me breakin’ the ankles, doe?
Laaj: *giving dap* You hit the “L” trigger turbo on they ass. Das my mans! Das my mans!

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  • Omar Holmon is a content editor that is here to make .gifs, obscure references, and find the correlation between everything Black and Nerdy.

  • Show Comments

  • Dia Tucker Writes

    “I’m welches out this muhfucka.”
    Pick out my coffin right. now! ??

  • cass1104

    This. Was. The. BEST. POST. EVER. BBC has come through with this follow up of Planet Earth.

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