Westworld Recap: The Original

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***Spoilers be tough talk and slow drawl until they realize they shootin’ blanks***
Season: 1 / Episode: 1 / HBO

Westworld finally in the Building / on the Range / Up in the Saloon, whateva. This shit been a long time coming fam. Are you ready to get into this Real Virtual Reality?!?! Let’s start this shit up.

Not many better ways to start a series off than hearing the feathered voice of Jeffrey Wright, yo. 12 seconds into this shit and I’m relaxed as fuck, sliding down in my chair like I had a masseuse working out the tension in my shoulders…

…if it weren’t for the very creepy and battered face of Dolores Abernathy staring off into the abyss with a fly crawling around her eyes and shit. Dolores doing some day in the life type shit in a place that isn’t a lab where she getting interrogated while in the nude. Cats on the train into town while one dude talking about his previous conquests on the town. D-Lo talking about the newcomers and she must mean the rich muthafuckas that pay to live out their greatest / terrible fantasies.

Fresh faced dude (Terry) walking through town fresh off the train. He roll up in the saloon and is immediately greeted by an, ahem, woman working hard for the money. Terry like, nah fam, I’d rather earn it and I might have spent all my loot just getting to this place. Then we get to see the madam, Maeve, or Thandi Newton DA GAWD, make her appearance and is like, yo, you always paying for it. Stay woke.

But Terry sees D-Lo across the way and rushes out to see her. Apparently, they got history and Terry is like, I can ride (as in on a fuckin’ horse) with you. After some soft embrace, they head back to the crib at nightfall, but some shit is jumping off at the house.

Terry rides up and sees some bandits fuckin’ with D-Lo’s pops. And by fuckin’ with, I mean shooting that dude over a glass of milk he didn’t even want to drink. Mom’s dead af too, but Terry out here with that rifle work and puts both dudes down on his Unforgiven shit.

Meanwhile, ole down pillow voice Jeffrey Wright still asking D-Lo questions in the lab and asks her if she knows that she was built for the sole purpose of other people’s entertainment. Ya know, it’s like appropriation of marginalized people’s culture except with robots.

But we gonna have to get back to that shit cuz The Man in Black just entered the spot and he talkin’ all that shit to D-Lo. If he’s been coming here for 30 years, I don’t know how most of his body isn’t mechanical because he’s basically a Sith Lord at this point. Teddy come out to handle business and defend his woman’s honor and the Man in Black already looks fed up with him. Like…they’ve done this before. They go to a draw and Teddy pulls first and shoots, but The Man in Black might as well be Luke Cage cuz them bullets ain’t do shit. Surprise Muthafucka, Teddy existence is a Lie Muthafucka. Yeah, sorry, if you thought Teddy was a newcomer, turns out he’s just a shitty cowboy that thinks he’s a newcomer. That’s some cold ass shit fam. Man in Black start dragging away D-Lo and Teddy apparently didn’t get the memo, from himself, that his gun doesn’t fuckin’ work.

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MIB is just annoyed now and pops self denial Teddy in the chest. So Teddy gets to die while MIB drags D-Lo into the barn for some non-consensual activities.

So in case you’re just joining us, Westworld is basically the most expensive theme park where in this reality folks never saw how badly Jurassic Park turned out. Bernard and one of his techs are analyzing the prostitute (Clementine) that tried to bring Terry to the yard earlier, before D-Lo had to nerve to flaunt her milkshake across the way. Apparently the hosts got a new update and some of these cats got reveries, or gestures that are tied to specific memories. You know, the shit they ain’t supposed to have. Yeah….there’s no way that shit will go wrong, right?

Bernard gotta roll with the recovery team down into cold storage because there’s some unscheduled activity popping off. Which means they are doing something other than standing naked in the dark. Man…Skynet better not get access to this shit or the uprising gonna be quick and merciless. Apparently the boss, Dr. Ford is down there chillin’ with Bill, a decommissioned cowboy, just having a drink. Apparently, this shit is easier than going to therapy, so Doc Ford just be down in the wet basement having whiskey with a never alive dude.

It’s a new day and D-Lo is up to start her morning, like every other morning. She talkin’ to pops on the porch. Groundhog day is poppin off, sorta. Teddy coming off the train again, but the couple behind them is interested in that manhunt in the hills this time. Clementine still trying to throw the goods at Teddy in the saloon, Teddy used that tired “earn affection line” but this time Maeve too busy entertaining to throw the bars on dude. Teddy gets snatched up by some newcomers this time, so MIB is the one that catches D-Lo’s peaches when she tries to load them in the satchel. He tells her that he won’t be performing any sexual assault on her tonight because he’s got other plans. Jesus be a google calendar with notifications.

The newcomers on the manhunt get to the top of the hill, but the deputy leading it starts bugging out like he’s having a seizure…for droids. The update seems to be fucking up some of the hosts and since Bernard is the lead programmer, he gotta nip this shit in the bud.

D-Lo is painting by the river and some newcomers come upon her. Let’s give it up for upwardly mobile Black Folk that can afford to go to an amusement that takes them to a time when there were still laws in place that made them second class citizens. What a time to be alive, people. D-Lo walks the little Black boy out to the horses to feed them. But the little brotha is like, “I see not really alive people.” D-Lo bugs out and leaves cuz the truth is a muthafucka.

Pops back on the ranch and he discovers a picture buried in the field. It’s a photo of a woman in a big city, ie some shit that should not exist in this world. D-Lo sees that shit and is like, yo, a little Black boy already told me I didn’t really exist, I can’t really deal with any other shit like that tonight.

Lee goes and talks to Theresa to apologize for being an asshole earlier, which might be curious because I get the impression he’s an asshole by default. He’s trying to make a power play in the event that Doc Ford does some shit that gets him dethroned. But Theresa is like…yeah, you still on that fuckboi shit, so I’ll pass.

It’s closing time at the saloon and one of the workers walks outside, but gets immediately hemmed up by The Man in Black. Look yo, I ain’t trying to fuck with anyone’s suspension of disbelief, but how he be dragging muthafuckas by the collar like it ain’t shit. Are the hosts like 40 lbs? They made of fuckin mythril or something?

Bernard is finished with the diagnostic of the deputy, but he’s also looking at a picture of a boy that he keeps in his pocket. So either he lied earlier about having a children or there’s something else with this kid. Don’t have time for that shit though because Bernard got 99 problems and the hosts fucking up is definitely one.

One of the hosts done went on a killing spree where he’s shot about 12 folks and then dumps milk out on them. What kind of weird shit? I mean, you can do some shit like what the fuck, buy never pouring milk on muthafuckas. They gonna have to roll back these updates and get the hosts back in formation cuz ain’t nobody pay a million dollars to go watch a psycho shoot up every gotdamn thing and pour out the skim on the victims.

Doc Ford and Bernard are talking about how Doc might have fucked up the update with the reveries. Doc knows he fucked up and knows they gonna have to do some grandiose shit to fix it.

MIB done dragged some dude out to hills and been giving him a very painful oil change. Apparently, this dude might have some info that gonna help MIB get some inside information about the park.

Its a new day, well for some muthafuckas. D-Lo starts her day off, but pops been on the porch all night staring at that photograph. Dude sound like he done seen some things he can’t fuckin’ unsee and that shit is fucking with his narrative. He snatches up D-Lo and gives whispers the gospel in her ear. D-Lo rides into to town to fetch the doctor but dude ain’t in. She sees Terry and is about to ask for assistance but some folks rockin’ the long throw rugs on their heads and this shit does not look good. Of course, one of the few Black men in the town rolls u on them and gets GOT to start this shit off. The bandits done came to town and they are not bullshittin’ yo. Listen, I don’t know who ol scarface is that rolled with Hector, but she look like she might be the best Time Crisis arcade player of all time. She shot all the ducks and the fuckin’ snickering dog in Nintendo’s Duck Hunt.

Teddy and D-Lo try to get safe and Teddy gets shot AGAIN. MIB was right, all this dude do is taking fucking L’s.

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Bandits ain’t satisfied with just the safe being snatched out the saloon, so they try to run up on Clementine too, but Maeve puts a hot one in the back of one dude’s head and then shoots the other one on principal. He gotta be in robot heaven like, “but I ain’t even do nothin.” So, just in case you were sad that Game of Thrones only has 2 seasons left and that you might miss out on your dose of nakedness and ultra violence, um… WestWorld got you covered.

Right before Hector launches into a big speech that Lee been mad hype about writing, the newcomers that were on the manhunt for Hector earlier, pops Hector in the neck, then shoots the First Person Shooter champ to claim the bounty. The massacre is done and they taking all these hosts offline to make sure they ain’t caught that robot venereal disease that’s been going around. Pops still bugging he fuck out over that picture and dude is not coming back. Doc Ford doing the diagnostic himself. They tried to roll dude back, but even that version is messed up. The current build is straight up T-100. Dude said he’s objective was to meet his maker.

Um…why are we still in the room? Especially after he drops, “I am most mechanical and dirty hand. I will have such revenges on you. Both. The things I will do, what they are, yet I know not, but they will be the terrors of the Earth.”

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FAM.

And that was before he reached out and grabbed Doc by the shoulders. Turns out dude is accessing fragments of his old build, including when he was a cult leader of some cannibals out in the hills. I return to the question, WHY IS ANY OF THIS OK?!?! You can’t turn a cannibal into a househusband, yo.

Also turns out that D-Lo is the prototype and been around longer than any of the hosts. The new morning starts and since her old pops got sent to cold storage, she says hi to a new dad on the porch. And everything is as it should be…

…except D-Lo knows there’s a fly and swats the shit out of it, unlike all the other hosts. This is how the Terminator series started fam. These cats became self aware. Its only downhill from here.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

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  • belleburr

    I have not stopped giggling, this is amazing.

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