Game of Thrones Recap: The Spoils of War

Season: 7 / Episode: 4 / HBO

***Spoilers heard coming over the hill well before you see them coming***

Fam. Is you ready. I said…is your ass ready? Probably not. We gonna do this shit together though.

Jaime visiting the Meals Gold On Wheels and taking a cut out to help the co-conspirators. He grabs a Looney Toons Yosemite Sam size bag of money and gives it to Bronn, who is so happy about his new riches that he complains about more money. Apparently, Bronn’s signing bonus included a fully defensible crib too, so this rather large back of gold that damn near has a dollar sign drawn on it is pocket change compared to what he got coming. Bronn might actually be Drake the of Westeros. Relentlessly shameless. Inappropriate in fan pleasing ways. Sings when he knows he ain’t got no business doing that shit. Easily turned out by women. Started at the bottom, now he’s here. Fair weather mercenary. Dude really just missing some old sketches of him playing a dorky looking high schooler and the comparison is uncanny.

Mycroft from the Iron Bank is flattering Cersei on her paying her debt back by destroying the richest house left in Westeros. Cersei ain’t really about this flattery shit if it ain’t coming from a blood relative her age though. She Funk Flex drops The Golden Company, who be some of the best mercenary group out of Essos. That’s 10K Large trained soldiers that will get in the fucking muck for you if the coin be right. LOL…yeah…I got that Bran Netflix Cersei, I can tell that you gonna need them cats.

GoldenCompany

Little Restrainer Order walks straight off the set of To Catch a Predator and somehow gets in a room with the youngest living Stark. How they make him look EXTRA creepy, fam. 80% of LRO’s scene take place in rooms with one lonely ass candle in the corner. Since they can’t have him rolling around in an unmarked white van, I guess dimly lit spaces with no visible exits will have to do. He showing Bran the knife that Catelyn Stark gave up her palms to when an assassin tried to install that drop top on Bran’s neck back in season 1. LRO really out here talkin’ that “I would’ve jumped in front of that knife if I could have.”

Catches Valerian knives?
With his chest?
Pederast, please.

If someone was coming at his mother with a knife, LRO would straight up be on that Drago, “If she dies, she dies” shit.

Also, fam, I’M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT THIS UNBREAKABLE LOVE OF CATELYN STARK WHEN YOU SET HER HUSBAND UP FOR THE WU AND WERE THE CATALYST OF THE STARK HOOD DESCENDING INTO CHAOS. Bran ain’t trying to hear any of this shit, but lets him know he remembers the Chaos Is a Ladder Trailer from Season 3. Was really hoping he would freak LRO out by being like, “I saw you remember your GPS tracker” or “Remember this when Child Protect Services comes looking for you and you diving into the bushes like Steve Spicer.”

Meera comes in cuz this been the worst fucking internship ever and she really just trying to get that letter or recommendation before moving on with her life. She sees Bran sitting in the wheelchair and gotta be like, oh, that’s cute. I might not have to take 4 Advil a day for my back if we had that shit beforehand. Bran guesses that she’s leaving and she’s like, yeah, so shit bout to get heavy, I want to see my fam and you’re safe.

Meera: You don’t need me anymore.
Bran: Yeah, you ain’t never lied fam.
Meera: That’s all the fuck you gotta say Santa? After I done pulled your sled on the longest Christmas Eve ever? My brother is dead, I got sucked into the worst season of Amazing Race and I still gotta coax a Thank You? I pulled your ass across frozen Mordor and that’s all you got to say? With your Mobius Chair lookin’ ass. Indy Rock Professior Xavier lookin’ ass. Bran–

MobiusChair

Bran: Yeah, I appreciate that wheelbarrow assist you hit me with, but uh…we don’t really tight to be doing first names like that anymore, so…

Bran is definitely the muthafucka at the bus stop that you ask what time the bus comes and he respond like, “the real question is, why does it come at all?”

Maaaaaaaan, Arya BAAAAAAAAACK. Fam, Arya ain’t been home since Episode One. She ain’t been to the crib since The Phantom Menace, yo. She definitely rolled up like the cat that forgot their VIP pass, but thought they could just talk their way into bottle service without the wristband and shit. That shit legit looked like that scene from Boondocks when MLK, Jr and Huey couldn’t get into the MLK, Jr party. Everybody believed Arya been dead since before she hit puberty, so they ain’t believing her when she trying to educate them on that Stark lineage. The guards are tired of her shit, so they try to make her leave by force and she hit that bullet time on your boy one time.

dodge

So, can we not, do this TV trope of having the two most rude and unintelligent guards in the whole spot guard the main entrance? Can we have higher ambition than that? Not that it would be the worst TV trope this episode but…

They finally let her in and make her sit on a cart (as much as they could make her do any damn thing). They arguing about who gonna tell Lady Sansa, but they don’t know that Arya spent all her XP in the Stealth skill tree first and she’s ghost when they turn back around.

These idiots trying to tell Sansa about her, but they droppin’ them Stark Day One hints and Sansa knows it’s really Arya and where to find her. Arya down in the crypts lookin’ at the twelve foot tall Eddard Stark statue.

sansaandarya

I really wish this shit was out front of Winterfell like Magic in front of the Staples Center and shit. Sansa and Arya finally in the same place again since their pops went to Joffrey’s Barbershop and got a little too much off the top.

Arya: I heard you killed Joffrey. Did you?
Sansa: Nah, I wish.
Arya: Damn, almost thought you were a G.

This conversation was kind of everything though. I loved how Arya slid in the fact that she be killing folks as casual as someone getting their morning coffee after they wake up.

Arya: No matter how long my list got, Joffrey was always first.
Sansa: List?
Arya: My list of muthafuckas I’m hand delivering the fade to.
Sansa: [laughs]
Arya: [sorta laughs]

….

Arya: But for real I be killing muthafuckas like Ezio, sis. And not like a couple of bastards. My list be lookin’ like Saul Williams’ List of Demands and shit.

After both talking about how fucked up shit has been for them, Sansa is like, so….Bran is home too. Arya looks real excited, but that shit fades cuz Sansa must have been looking at her like

Conceited

Bran aka The Three Eyed Boredom sitting by the weirwood tree looking like Michael Corleone before he keeled over in Godfather 3. Arya came up and got the same limp ass hug everybody else got from Bran.

Bran: I saw you at the crossroads.
Arya: You did?
Arya: What?
Bran: Oh, sorry, I see everything now, including mid 90s Rap. E 1999 had hits.

Bran says that he thought Arya was gonna go to King’s Landing to kill Cersei, but Sansa is looking at both of them like, “Who the fuck are you people?” She gotta be feeling like she on Earth 2 right now. Bran gives Arya that Valerian Steel like, yeah, I keep my mental mind extra secure, so you can have this knife yo.

Ok, I get it, for real. He ain’t really Bran no more, he’s transcended emotions. He exists on many planes now, none of them have sensory responses apparently. I get it. But right now, the most boring important character has become even more boring by acting lobotomized. Three Eyed Boredom better do something of consequence soon that isn’t basically cosmic eavesdropping. If you can see all and know all, then how about you do some functional shit that isn’t hacking my diary, yo.

Podrick and Brienne watch the Final Three (cuz Jon is just a cousin) come through the courtyard and Podrick pumping up Brienne talking about you kept your vow. Yo, I like Brienne a lot, but WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!?! Brienne waited for Sansa to light a candle in a tower for a whole season, then abandoned that post to go kill Stannis when the war started outside of Winterfell. She put the paws on The Hound, but Arya rather travel to the otherside of the known world than go with her, then came back to Winterfell when she was good and ready. I guess we all need a friend like Podrick that will absolutely pump you up for failing multiple times. Podrick is the dude in your entourage that tells you to hold out for a contract extension after you just had your worst season. Podrick will listen to your Fisher-Price rhymes in the studio and be like, “that shit Dracarys right there, B!” You tellin’ me jokes man.

At Dragonstone, Missandei and Daenerys walking that Great Wall stroll and Missandei is like, yeah, I told Grey Worm to pick up some eggs on the way home and his ass late. Daenerys is like, girl, as fine as you are, you know dude knows where home is. He ain’t going nowhere. Daenerys asked what happened between them and Missandei just hit her with “many things.” Maaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn, when the recall memory put a smile on your partners face that large you must have been PUTTIN’ NUMBERS ON THE BOARD. Daenerys was like, “Many things bish? TELL ME MORE.” Man, we were about 5 minutes away from Missandei and Daenerys having a sleepover in comfy pajamas with their hair in curlers giving each other manicures and shit. Daenerys leaned into that conversation like she was a dancer in Smooth Criminal.

game-of-thrones-missandei-daenerys

But alas, King Pomade Jesus come in and break up what was gonna be the most glorious girl talk the Seven have ever seen. Jon wants Daenerys to see the cave where the dragon glass is at before they start mining it. I’m glad there was another thing to show Daenerys cuz I was like, “um maybe I need to turn the brightness up on my TV cuz all I see is a black ass shimmer and shine wall. We really breaking out the triumphant music for mineral enthusiast? The fuck Daenerys need to come down here personally to see onyx for?”

Jon leads her to the other surprise and where the hieroglyphics be at. Apparently the Bebe’s Kids of the Forest got a whole damn mural down in the caves cuz Instagram hadn’t made it that far east yet. One of the drawings got the Bebe’s Kids and the First Men fighting alongside each other against the White Walkers. Muthafuckas even found some blue dye for the eyes and shit.

Jon: I told you there were real.

Daenerys: Whatever, you probably drew this shit yourself, lookin’ like a Buckle model in this torchlight and shit.

Daenerys is like, ok, fine dude. Fine. I’ll fight for you. Fight for the North and all that shit. Pomade Jesus so happy he about to whip out that Dapper Dan and smooth his hair back till Dany hit him with, “…as soon as your ass kiss the ring.” Gotdamn, that’s some cold shit. That was basically some, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours but you gotta go on Facebook say I’m the prettiest girl in the whole school first.” Jon straight struggggggggggling with that shit.

They come outside and see that Varys and Tyrion are waiting for them. Daenerys ALREADY know it’s some bullshit when these cats come find her, faces looking longer than grandfather clocks and shit. Tyrion hit her with the good news but actually it’s all bad news scenario.

Dany is FED UP. And you know what, she should be. Tyrion’s resume right now look like, Enron, Blockbuster, Borders bookstore, Pontiac… Jeb Bush has had wins more recently than Tyrion. Dany for real is ready to load up the trunk and roll up on King’s Landings block, but Jon talks her out of it.

Back at Winterfell and shit looking familiar as hell cuz Brienne is beating the brakes off of Podrick while sparring. Arya rolls up like, yeah, this shit dumb for everybody involved. Maaaaaan, Sansa out here talking about grain storage or some shit and stumbles upon seeing Arya and Brienne about to spar. Me and everybody watching this shit was like:

morpheus fighting neo

Arya pulls out Needle and Brienne is like, yo, your blade too small. Arya basically looked into the camera like the office and gave that Loaded Lux.

She gon get this work

She gon get this work

FIRST OFF, FIRST MUTHAFUCKIN OFF. My name is William Evans and I’ve been driving the Arya bandwagon ever since she was holding the blade over Joffrey in Episode 2 yo. So if you just now trying to jump on, AIN’T NO ROOM LEFT, YOU ON STANDBY FAM. I suggest you call problematic Uber. Second, Oh My god, the Waterdancing was fucking spectacular. Arya out here moving like Suyin Beifong.

giphy (1)

Shit was too great. Brienne got a shot or two here, but she basically just did the hook for this record. This was Arya’s mixtape fam. This is the only shit I’m trying to bump in the carriage right now. Arya got disarmed, grabbed the dagger, Brienne grabbed that wrist, then Arya dropped that shit to the other hand and got that shit to Brienne’s neck in one move…[channeling John Wick’s enemies]: WHO FUCKING DOES THAT?!

aryabrienne1

aryabrienne2aryabrienne3aryabrienne4

Brienne asked her how she learned that shit, and Arya hit her with “No One.” I wasn’t ready, fam. I just wasn’t.

obama

Also, NEITHER WAS SANSA. My god, Sansa look like she just showed up to the city wide science fair with a potato clock. That shit was rouuuuugh. Jon got fucking murdered, but became King in the North. Bran got paralyzed, but became an Omega Level Mutant. Arya has had to run to every corner of the continent and lost her sight to become Agent 47. And Sansa was betrothed to not one but two monsters, got brutally assaulted, and gained a stalker so that she could fill out TPS reports on grain inventory. That’s fucked up man. Everybody else went away to college and became experts in their field while Sansa rotted away at a terrible MFA program and left with a degree she ain’t gonna do shit with and even more student debt. Life ain’t fair, yo.

Back on Malibu, Pomade Jesus and Davos walkin’ the wall. Davos trying to ship Jon and Dany too and, ugh. We all Bran right now with this storyline. We just know too much, fam.

Funniest under the radar shit was when Jon was like, how many men do we have in the North? 10,000? Less. Davos, gonna hit him with, “Fewer.” Straight up throwback to when Stannis was spending his free time at the Wall crashing Night’s Watch meetings and critiquing muthafuckas grammar. Davos JUST learned how to read 15 minutes ago and he already correcting folks grammar. That’s the legacy of Stannis Baratheon right there. And…allowing his daughter to be burned alive, but whatever.

They roll up on Missandei and start chopping it up. After breaking down the logistics of Bastards, they ask her why she left Naath. Missandei is like, well, I was taken away by slavers, to which Jon is basically like, “That sucks.” Seriously. Someone just told Jon she was a fucking slave and Jon responded the way someone does when you stub your toe. Which, I feel like is a response that is kind of perfect from showrunners that want to fanfic slavery.

BUT N.E.WAYS.

They lightweight drilling Missandei on why she still with Daenerys if she’s no longer a slave. Missandei giving the bars on how they all chose Daenerys because the believe in her, not some title, but her and her cause. So, basically, I guess we should stop comparing Daenerys to Hillary Clinton. It was a good run.

They see a Greyjoy ship appearing and you already know there’s gonna be a lot of “What had happened was?” when they hit the shore. MAAAAAAAAAN, listen. Jon look like he was ready to test out that Drowned God theory right then and there. Reek really tried to “Hey Jon” like the dude that hopes you forgot that he owes you money. So, here’s the question, everyone else that is hated has a support system somewhere. Cersei has Jaime. Even LRO has the Vale in his pocket. WHO THE FUCK CARES IF REEK IS STILL DRAWING BREATH OR NOT?!?! Literally the only person who remotely cares is a hostage right now, so dude could go for an one way swim into the ocean right now and nobody would give a fuck. He there looking for the queen to try and get Yara back, but the Queen done put up the “Out for Lunch, back in 30 mins” sign.

Jaime and Bronn enjoying some good countryside when Lord Tarley tells them the gold is safely on its way to King’s Landing, but they having trouble getting everybody else’s ass in gear. Jaime and Bron roll up on big Dickon, talkin’ about their first battle.

Dickon

Right when Bronn is in the middle of roasting big Dickon about his first battle, they hear that slow rumble over the hills. Shit sound like straight up thunder coming and they know that hell is coming from the otherside. Or just some fine ass Tough Mudder muthafuckas with curved swords. Whichever.

ITS DOTHRAKI SZN.

Lannister army at least lookin’ prepared, they got the spearmen ready for these horse riding bastards.

Bish, you thought.

Drogon and Daenerys came through spraying the Napalm Choppa

GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK

Danerys reloaded the dragon and let that shit spray again

GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK-GAK

Oh my God, this shit was insane. Drogon out here with the fuckin’ Roy Mustang godflow.

drogon1

The lucky folks are the ones that got hit with the flame up close and just went instantly to ash. Most of these muthafuckas just became crawling bonfires before the end. Jaime out here talking about hold the line. Muthafucka, the line look like gotdamn smores right now. The line look like it got left on the grill too long. There is no line, b. And as if fucking dragonfire wasn’t bad enough, let us not forget the Dothraki are no fucking joke.

Look man, I’m proud of my fitness journey and all, but since I’m not capable of standing on a horse at full speed while aiming a fucking bow yet, I’m gonna assume that my current regiment ain’t shit. Deadlifts ain’t getting you to horseback Artemis fam. Ain’t enough handstand pushups in the world grooming you for that shit.

dothraki

Jaime calls up the archers and that shit bounced off Drogon’s chest like fuckin’ pop rocks candy. He basically took those arrows to the body like he laid down for jello shots. Jaime tells Bronn to get to the Scorpion so they can try to take Drogon down. One Dothraki dude takes Bronn off his horse and tries to chase him down, but became the first Scorpion casualty when Bronn played darts and put his ass on the Summer Jam screen.

Tyrion looking over the battlefield watching his countrymen get fucking slaughtered and burnt to a fuckin crisp. Jaime out here playing general to a fucking barbecue pit, yo. Bronn licks off a couple of shots from the Scorpion, the second catching Drogon right in the rotator cuff and shit. Bronn feeling good about himself until Drogon still lands safely and burns the fuck out that Scorpion. Drogon was like, fuck that shit. Then destroyed that shit with his tail for good measure. That was the equivalent of when you trip on the sidewalk, then look back at the part of the sidewalk that tripped you like you finna do something about that shit.

drogon5

Daenerys hops off of Drogon to try and pull the fucking howitzer shell out of his wing. Ol’ golden arm Jaime thought this was gonna be his time to shine. To reclaim the glory. I ain’t that mad at him man. Bruh really thought he could end the war right then and there if he could get to that spear and airmail Danerys the fade. I mean, it was dumb as fuck, but I get it.

Tyrion up on the hill like Adrian yelling at Jaime.

you can't win

And right before Jaime completed the best jousing attempt of his life, Drogon came through like SURPRISE MUTHAFUCKA. DRAGON FIRE MUTHAFUCKA.

drogon3drogon4

And…yo, lets be real. If this were Game of Thrones of Season 5 or earlier, Jaime would be fucking dead. Bronn too. They’d both be riding their horses in Elysium right now. But they straight up “TNT: We Know Drama-ed the ending. Bronn gonna come through with the miraculous Waterboy tackle from off screen right before Drogon turned these dudes into a bucket of chicken with 11 secret herbs and spices. Now, Jaime and Bronn are in the sunken place so they can wash up somewhere else and not burned fucking alive. Sigh. We almost had greatness fam but they didn’t Simone Biles the landing. So close.

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  1. Me'Chelle Holt on August 8, 2017

    This shit makes my Tuesday every week!!! I’m at work with tears… Real mfkn tears in my eyes… Patients getting breathing treatments and I’m laughing so hard that I’m side-eye’n the O2 feeling like Saw Gerrera n’isht…lol… #sigh… until next Tuesday

  2. J. on August 8, 2017

    Always a pleasure! LOL the Omega Level Mutant and Agent 47 took me OWT! Accurate. Can’t wait for next week.

  3. Corey on August 8, 2017

    This entire paragraph…

    ” Jon got fucking murdered, but became King in the North. Bran got paralyzed, but became an Omega Level Mutant. Arya has had to run to every corner of the continent and lost her sight to become Agent 47. And Sansa was betrothed to not one but two monsters, got brutally assaulted, and gained a stalker so that she could fill out TPS reports on grain inventory…”

    Brilliant!

    Superb recap, as always.

    • Cleojonz on August 9, 2017

      This one took me out too. I know the folks here in cubicle city think I’m crazy right now lol.

  4. Romita on August 8, 2017

    “Arya out here moving like Siuyin Beifong” made my day. And, for the “Who fucking does that?” question, May I suggest a quick search of ‘Donnie Yin vs. Wu Jing’ on YouTube.

  5. Jo Welch on August 8, 2017

    Please don’t ever stop your recaps. They are the highlight of my week. <3

    • Sula on August 12, 2017

      This is a word and a half. I live for these recaps mayne. LMAO.

  6. Helga on August 8, 2017

    Ok, didn’t Dany just early BBQ all the picnic? Like, the gold was already in the bank, so she roasted the rest of the caravan…that was full of food. Oops. Gonna be a long winter.

  7. Evil Ninja (@EvilNinjaX24) on August 8, 2017

    “That was the equivalent of when you trip on the sidewalk, then look back at the part of the sidewalk that tripped you like you finna do something about that shit.” Man, look… I can’t afford to be up here dying every week ’cause you droppin’ the realness on a recap.
    “Arya out here moving like Siuyin Beifong” brought a big-ass grin to my face, though.

  8. Zarani Barrow on August 8, 2017

    I want you to write my eulogy like this recap!

  9. Rob on August 8, 2017

    Bruh. I want Jaime to drown at the bottom of the river so bad. Not because I hate him. Just off the principle of that’s what this show is supposed to be. George needs to finish that damn book.

    • Terese on August 9, 2017

      Also, how the heck is Jaime going to survive with that heavy body armor AND one good arm? But of course, they won’t just let him die. *sigh*

  10. Freddie on August 8, 2017

    OMG. This is so hilarious. But yes, I wanted Jamie to die. GOT always kills ppl, but not the Lannisters. Ugh.

    • Bob Digitech on August 8, 2017

      Yeah. Tywin, Myrcella, Joffrey, Tommen, Lancel, Kevan, the one cousin Jaime killed when he tried to escape from Robb and Cat. Lannisters never get got.

  11. Diana on August 8, 2017

    You’re freaking amazing, bruh! JUST found our about this, and am laughing my head off. Trying to find and binge on previous reviews now. THANK YOU!

  12. Thaddeus Thompkins on August 8, 2017

    Man, your recaps are always a delight to read. I was hoping beyond hope that Bran was going to drop that knowledge on Sansa and Arya that LRO was the catalyst for everything that happened to House Stark and the Dagger was for Arya to give him the fade. also though why did Sansa not once bring up that Rickon was killed by Ramsey?!?!?

    The Battle was great but I had two nitpicks, Why didn’t Jaime use his archers to attack the unarmored Dothraki as they were charging the line and two why did Dany burn up all the damn food that she just said she needed? the answer of course to both is SPECTACLE!

  13. Traci on August 9, 2017

    I just happened to see this on someone else’s fb pg..you just made my morning. You are HILARIOUS to say the least!

  14. Cleojonz on August 9, 2017

    I seriously live for these recaps. I love the clear urban popculture undertones in how situations and relationships are described. It’s not for everyone, this is specifically FOBU and I appreciate you so much for it.

  15. Cat on August 9, 2017

    Muthafucka, the line look like gotdamn smores right now…You made me snort!

  16. Rfried on August 10, 2017

    This is seriously hilarious and so perfectly done. Simply: Thank you.

  17. Kuumba on August 10, 2017

    Yo! This is so hi- larious. Since the show runners decided to “make a slavery fanfic” I really have not watched it. I just read your recaps. It is enough for me! Thanks for giving Missandei a shout out in one of your other posts for having the best hair in the Seven Kingdoms! She is truly an inspiration to all of the other (read:two) black people in Westeros. You know twist outs be hard to maintain around them dragons making the air all humid…but she be doing it! Anywhoos….thanks for making my day!

  18. Gabe Green on August 10, 2017

    Soooooooo was that a shot at “Pontiac” the city or “Pontiac” the car company. Asking for me lol.

  19. Ed Jimenez on August 12, 2017

    Unlike the Scorpion, these recaps keep batting 1.000.

  20. Cecelia on August 14, 2017

    OMG! Hilarity! This is so great! Thank you!!!

  21. game of thrones online watch on August 18, 2017

    What if Ser Jorah, if danerys becomes a villan and burning everything, will kill his sword
    might be lightbringer

    Game of Thrones S07E07 720p Streaming

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