*Clutches pearls as screen fades to black*
*A piano is heard playing in the distance*
*Lights come up*
*off key as fuck* It will be ours…. It will be ours. Thank you for that Mr. Legend. My God, it feels like Instagram got out of a meeting to make a power play and someone said, “You guys, *6 god prayer hands* we know why we’re here and we know why everyone else is here. We’re here for the cosplay, stuntin’, food, fashion, and thirst. That’s Instagram’s whole nutritional pyramid, our purpose in these cyber streets if you will. And the people are sick and tired of having to scroll to find their favorite posts lost out there in the ether of low res memes. I propose this… create a feature that allows users to bookmark and save their favorite photos…and only the user can see them. [Think of the consequences, Octavia! This is Madness!] You’re Goddamn right it’s madness Yusef, but you know what else it is? Refreshing.”
Yo, no one app should have all that powwwwwwer. Shh… do y’all feel that? There’s a disturbance in the thirst, man. I sense it but maybe it’s actually an awakening in the thirst, I dunno. All I do know is that this shit going to bring folks together and tear people apart. It’s no longer going to be “lemme see your phone then,” R.I.P. to that mess. From 2016 to beyond it’s going to be, “Lemme see the bookmarks on your ‘grams then.” Instagram gave the people a feature to literally trap ourselves in thirst. To drown in the thirst, become molded by it, this shit bout to be the digital version of Ra’s Al Ghul’s Lazarus Pit. Immerse yourself in the thirst and come out all crazed and liking mad shit till you calm down and reign in your composure. I don’t even know if we deserve this, well as I look back on 2016 as a whole I realize we do. We do deserve this more than anything.
This is a straight up game changer. If you’re dating someone or a friend has you check out their saves, you’ll be able to do a full FBI profile on someone based solely off their bookmarks in Instagram. Hey man, I know it’s not all thirst… Some of you may be saving workout goals, recipes, low res memes [Do better]… But I’m going to keep it over 9k with you and tell you like Cristin O’Keef Aptowcz told me, “I love your Tumblr, it’s all superheroes and thick thighs.” Aye…. Aye….. Aye… That’s me and now the party coming to my ‘grams. Oh, I will be by myself and enjoy the company. Everybody’s lurk game is going to be stepped up with this shit.
This bookmark feature is Instagram handing me the aux cord, nah fuck that they giving me studio time and a major budget for my album and I’m making that shit go platinum with mad features from the likes of Rock Lee cosplays, Dascha Polanco, America Chavez art, Jennifer Hudson pre-Weight Watchers, a bunch of rando dudes with their shirts raised and stunting their abs for motivation, cat-eye make-up videos, more Rock Lee, more Dascha Polanco, anything and everything from DamnAarielle… I’d tell you more but I’m not out here to actually start snitching on myself and where I be at, those that seen the likes, they know. If you’re trying to build a profile off my shit then you’ll see that clearly I’m a 30 something-year-old Black male that’ll whoop your ass in No Mercy and owns a panda onesie.
Now in a perfect world I could end the jokes right here about the update and say oh this is funny but that may just be funny from a cis-male perspective (which I hope isn’t the case but very well may be). Let’s not ignore that thiiiiiiiiis can be a bit creepy man. Especially if you’re a woman, this may just be one more list in the shit show that you’ll have to deal with in the patriarchy of things. This may even convince some folks to make their once public accounts private now because humans (mostly men) can be fucking turrible. That creeptastic factor is pretty high on this and I gotta acknowledge that.
That being said: