An Open Letter To Gohan: You Gonna Stop Being Trash Anytime Soon or Nah?

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I– I don’t even know how to begin this because thirteen year old me can’t come to terms with the situation. I was eating cereal watching the new Dragon Ball Super episodes, seeing Goku and Vegeta go beyond Super Saiyan God mode, fight mofos from a different universe, meet the king of all 12 universes, and get the fucking galaxy dragon balls. I’m like, bast damn they’re doing the most, then I noticed two things: one, there weren’t enough raisins in my Raisin Nut Bran cereal (y’all slacking), and two, where the hell was Gohan?

Gohan wasn’t around at all? Then I heard it mentioned in passing that dude had a business meeting he couldn’t get out of… *wipes hand down face* Yo, this has been a long time coming and I hate to be the one to bring it up but it’s time someone said aloud that Gohan straight up let the DBZ fandom down. This dude was supposed to be the truth, supposed to take over the rock from his pops, Goku, but it’s like homie straight up peaked in the Cell Games. Gohan’s win on Cell is basically his one platinum hit (with features). My mans was a fucking baby-face animal that’s not a killa but don’t push him!

Gohan
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Gohan was voted most likely to succeed in DBZ and been chilling, making beats for five summers in his mom’s basement. I’m talking “Damn homie, (LITERALLY) in high school/Dragon Ball Z you was the man, homie… the fuck happened to you?” Now if you gonna try and say “oh he got a wife and kid now. He’s a family man.” That ain’t no excuse. He couldn’t dust off the NordicTrack? My man couldn’t hop on Groupon to get a discount at a Bikram yoga class? You mean to tell me couldn’t hope on the anti-gravity Bowflex at all (is anyone even getting these references)? I don’t wanna hear y’all blaming his mom Chi-Chi for trying to make him a scholar either. Chi-Chi wanted him to get a good job, which he did, but she ain’t want ’em to be a lame. Chi-Chi knew it was downhill once he started that Saiyaman phase and began to train Goten immediately. The fandom’s also so quick to be like, “Well Goku wasn’t around,” “Goku was training all the time. Died. Stayed dead. Came back–” Lemme cut you the fuck off right there.

How many times did Goku save Earth’s ass? How many times did homie die for Earth? Then he went and trained his son to take over and fucking died when Gohan got cocky with Cell. Bruh, we ain’t blaming that man’s Pops for shit. If my daddy had to train all the time cause Earth was always in danger from ‘roided up rando aliens trying to run the natural resources, I’m not crying about his ass not being there for me, ’cause he’d say, “Oh you wanna pull the my-daddy-wasn’t-there-to-toss-a-football-with-me card? That’s ’cause I was making sure you had a damn atmosphere over your head to even toss the damn thing.”

No, sir. I’m doing push ups ’cause I’m gonna be damn sure able to windmill the rock when he gets knocked and passes it to me. Not Gohan though… this guy legit went from child prodigy to State Farm customer service agent. Look at ya mans now… LOOK AT YOUR MANS AND DEM!

…Man, y’all know why we here. Let’s put this horse out to pasture.

*Sets timer*
*DEEP INHALE*

“Let Nas Down” should be playing anytime Gohan appears onscreen.

Gohan lookin’ like he in a fuckin’ Allstate commercial.
Goahn lookin’ like a walking J Crew mannequin.
Gohan lookin’ like he ’bout to fap to his calculus book.
Gohan lookin’ like that geek chic phase NBA players were struggling through.

Gohan
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blake-geekchic(2)-140506-600
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kevin-durant-backpack
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gohan
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Gohan the dude at work by the water cooler talking ’bout how much he benched in high school.
Gohan the dude at work by the copy printer going through a mid-life crisis.
Gohan the dude at work washing ayebody else’s dishes.
Gohan the dude at work that gets his stapler ran daily.
Gohan the dude at work saying, “Did you try holding Ctrl + Alt + Delete?”

And I know just what the fuck you thinking, “oooh but he still has the mystic power level and–”

Mystic Gohan ain’t do a COT damn thing.
Mystic Gohan is the softest soft drink on Earth as far as I am concerned.
Mystic Gohan is an alternate costume “L” for Gohan to rock.
Mystic Gohan is the fucking Frank Ocean of DBZ and we still waiting on that new power level to show up.
Mystic Gohan is straight up Michael Jordan’s Secret Stuff for the Toon Squad in Space Jam.

Gohan is like blueberries, he’s trash in everything except waffles (the Namek Saga) and muffins (Cell Saga).
Gohan’ll have one good round at Taboo and then chokes each turn afterwards.
Gohan’ll be the only dude coming into work on Saturdays.
Gohan’ll have Tobey McGuire playing him in the live-action film.

Gohan
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THEN. THEY. HAD. YOUR. BOY. OUT. HERE. IN. A. TRACK. SUIT. MY. G!

Bruh, that shit ain’t even Under Armour!
Gohan out here in the Generic Windbreakers #4 from WWF Wrestlemania 2000!
Gohan out here in the Juice Man infomercial dude’s early bird special track suit?
They legit got Gohan in the Magic Mike breakaway sweats?
They legit got Gohan in the fucking knock-off Nike sweat suit?

Why Gohan’s track suit the same color of Oscar the Grouch’s living room?
Why Gohan’s track suit look like an outtake from You Got Served?
His power level may be over 9,000 but I guarantee that outfit was under $9.00.
Gohan rocking the exact same outfit as the gym teacher (Hayato) from Rival Schools.
IF SOMEBODY DON’T GET GOHAN OUT OF HOME MOVIES’ COACH MCGUIRK ALTERNATE COSTUME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

Gohan
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Fuck every single individual thread in your outfit

*Feels self running out of breath*

*Hears announcer shouting, “DOWN GOES GOHAN! DOWN GOES GOHAN!”*

*Sees Gohan hits the floor*

*Starts fading from lack of air*

*…but the audience raises their arms in the air to give their energy for me to keep going*

Gohan need to go to Scared Straight for Super Saiyans.
Gohan need to go back to appropriating Namekian culture.
Gohan need to put the Saiyaman durag back on ’cause nothing was ever the same since.
Gohan need to get a Kobra Kai gym membership.
Gohan need to go to stop listening to Fleetwood Mack and put DMX back in the playlist.
Gohan need to get his business in the front, party in the back mullet back and remember who the fuck he is.
Gohan need to watch some of his old AMVs to remember who the fuck he is, because he’s one episode away from his final form being a Yamcha cry meme.

*TIME*

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  • Omar Holmon is a content editor that is here to make .gifs, obscure references, and find the correlation between everything Black and Nerdy.

  • Show Comments

  • laughtersfury

    This is the most amazing post about anything DB I have every seen, and I’ve been reading stuff on Dragon Ball since before the Namek Saga dub, Telemundo broadcasting original Frieza battle back in the day fan. TKO.

  • COREY TROTTER

    I was just thinking the same thing for past couple years.

  • TheWarner

    Oh my God, this article is the truth! I’ve been arguing with my family over how much Gohan sucks since we saw Resurrection F in the theatre. In Resurrection F Gohan said he “might” be able to go Super Saiyan…he “might.” WTF do you mean you “might” be able to go Super Saiyan?! What have you been doing for the past few years?! One of my relatives said to me: “Gohan needed to focus on getting an education and earning money. Goku’s a lazy Karate bumb who’s never worked or paid a bill in his life, so Gohan had to make Chichi proud. Plus, he doesn’t need to train ‘cause the rest of the Z Warriors keep up with their training.” I don’t care how successful Gohan’s trying to be, he should never stop training and fighting with the rest of the Z Warriors! He’s seen firsthand how often villains attack West City. There’s no way he can afford to slack on his training. Then he married Videl, who blackmailed him and was always walking around mean muggin’ in DBZ. My fellow DBZ fans are in denial about the fact that at the moment, Gohan’s trash. At least you were honest about it. Great article.

    • NAH-choCheese

      Yo, tell your relative that Goku won the World Martial Arts Tournament when he was like 18 or some shit. That’s 10 million Zeni. Loaded. That’s how they bought the house and all that land. What did Chi-chi pay for? Nothing. Her ass was broke after Master Roshi used the Kameha to destroy fire mountain (trying to put the fire out), destroying all the treasure and wealth her dad (ox king) had. Noooobody had to work till fuckin Dragonball Super. AND, at the end if that episode, Hercule gives Goku 100 MILLION ZENI. Shit’s lit. Why you think nobody was working during Dragonball GT, and dude got GRANDKIDS. Generational money. Plus, Bulma is a genius who is literally the richest person in that world. Jay Z- Kanye. If he needs something she got him. They were rollin around back when Bulma still found Yamcha attractive. They were rollin around back when Yamcha was still scared of girls! Goku the reason everybody stays fed. Even though they’re a saiyan family who eats 20x The Rocks daily caloric consumption EVERY MEAL. C’mon, Gohan actually has no excuse.

  • Ashley

    Yasss

  • Anique

    Lmao!!!! Awesome.

  • D. lee

    WHY WAS THIS SO HILLARIOUS….AND ON POINT ?!?!?!!!!??
    The creators had something in mind for Gohan at one point….but then something changed. That change threw off a lot of fans who were expecting him next. The ENTIRE SUBTEXT OF THE DRAGON BALL Z ORIGINAL SERIES WAS GOHAN IS UP NEXT !!!

    We honestly don’t know why this happened…and therefore your article was warranted

  • Christian Kennedy (@comebackkid4723)

    Jesus that was funny XD Gohan just got wrecked worse then when Super Buutenks stomped him lmao. It’s all true though Gohan’s been slacking for far too long. Even when he didn’t he would always pull a Vegeta and get too cocky.

  • Philippe Sydney Gouamba

    Roasted Gohan harder than Buu did good GOD

  • Blah

    I bet Toriyama is still shook after those fans sent death threats when he was doing Cell Saga and that’s why Gohan keeps getting jobbed out and fucked over.

  • Alex

    Gohan apologizes for the fans he let down, and doesn’t have any excuses.

    • TheWarner

      Thank you. He’s been disappointing me for a while now. Adulthood destroyed his coolness.?

  • Isaiah B

    This article is true, but above all blame the creator of the manga, the show has taken a downhill turn ever since the beginning of the Android Saga, it’s litaerlly be terrible and the character building has been the same, gohan has had great progression but once the Buu Saga began ? he was done and is long gone. To be honest I don’t think we’ll ever get that amazing gohan who chucked masenko’s and spazzed out on powerful foes ever. Especially in DBS cause it is a terrible manga and anime series. This was an amazing article though.

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