Alright, so it’s been a few weeks now since Pokémon Go dropped, right? I’ve live in New York City and I’ve seen more of this place searching for Pokémon over a span of a week than the whole three years I’ve lived here. I chalk that up to why I’m team Instinct. I go out of the way hunting for these Pokémon in the concrete jungle. I’m tracking ’em down by large bodies of water (especially the Brooklyn Bridge). I’m running through gyms like bad greens for my team. Then I get wind that our gym leaders have been revealed, when you first pick a gym the you only see the gym leader’s silhouette. I’m like, “oh they’re actual people and not avatars? Cool.”
I see Team Valor got a dark-skinned woman leading them named Candela. I’m like, aw man, you were my first choice but that yellow caught me though. It’s cool. Respect. I see Team Mystic’s leader Blanche got the Legolas swag goin’. Okay. Okay. I’m fucking with it. Then I get to Instinct’s leader, Spark. Okay, name sounds kinda “I lift things up and I put them down” bro-ish but maybe he’s a geek squad type cat or a Nikola Tesla fan too; I mean Zapados is his house banner he gotta be co–
…*sucks teeth* Okay. *exhales while repeatedly nodding* Okay… See, hmmmm but why he- You know what? There are no words. I’m stuck with dude as my leader so I might as well get this over with now so Spark and I can have a good working relationship afterwards. *rolls up sleeves* This shit gonna get real personal before it gets better.
Why Spark look like he straight out of a 90’s Mountain Dew commercial?
Spark lookin’ like he backpacked through Europe to find himself after college.
Spark lookin’ like he does acoustic covers of hip-hop songs.
Spark lookin’ like his safe word during sex is Snuffalufagus.
Spark lookin’ like MTV passed him over to host Total Request Live.
Spark Lookin’ like he don’t put toilet paper on the seat of public toilets ’cause he prefers to go natural.
Spark lookin’ like he only knows how to make tuna casserole.
Spark lookin’ like his dinner consists of toaster strudels, hot pockets, and Sunny D.
Spark lookin’ like he cleans himself with healing crystals.
Spark lookin’ like he closes his eyes and covers his ears out of fear during car washes.
Spark lookin’ like he saw American Pie then knocked the bottom out of an Apple Pie.
Spark lookin’ like he chugs Crystal Lite.
Why they got his outfit looking like an inverted condom wrapper?
Why they got his outfit color scheme off of an energy bar?
Why they got him out here in “80’s Eddie Murphy” leather pants?
Why they got his shirt lookin’ like a peel-out piece from a Fruit Roll-Up?
Why they got him dressed like a watered down Marty McFly?
Why they got him rocking a the “I dated a Black person and I’m woke now” pyramid piece?
Why they got him rocking the “I got the cutest trinket in Egypt” pyramid pendant?
New high score! You’ve unlocked the roasting daily double!
Will: Spark look like he attended Tennis Camp one summer.
Dude looks like he was one of the people that sued Zuckerberg over Facebook.
Dude looks like he uses air quotes when he’s telling a story.
Dude looks like he knew all of N’SYNC’s choreography.
Dude looks like he dated an API girl in college and wondered if he got credit for taking an elective.
Omar: Spark the type to dab to Ed Sheeran music.
Spark the type to think Popeye’s counts as Soul Food.
Spark the type to ignore the zipper and go to the bathroom with his pants around his ankles.
Spark the type that listens to his partner complain about a co-worker with an attitude and says, “But did you ever try seeing it from their point of view?”
Will:Why your leader look like he rocks a cardigan around his neck?
Why he look like he dives off of bridges with his friends for fun?
Why he look like his dad is a bike cop?
Why your leader look like he got his nipples pierced?
Why your leader look like he knows every line to the movie Freaky Friday?
Why your leader look like he did the ice bucket challenge twice?
Omar: Spark look like he got the entire soundtrack of High School Musical on his zune.
Will: He look like he got 10 episodes of Girls on his DVR.
Omar: He look like he retired from competitive cup stacking.
Will: He look like he once paid money for a whoopy cushion.
Omar & Will: Spark look like he kiss his Pokémon on the mouth for .4 seconds too long.