An Open Letter To Spark In Pokémon Go: Gym Lead That Ass Here Boi

Alright, so it’s been a few weeks now since Pokémon Go dropped, right? I’ve live in New York City and I’ve seen more of this place searching for Pokémon over a span of a week than the whole three years I’ve lived here. I chalk that up to why I’m team Instinct. I go out of the way hunting for these Pokémon in the concrete jungle. I’m tracking ’em down by large bodies of water (especially the Brooklyn Bridge). I’m running through gyms like bad greens for my team. Then I get wind that our gym leaders have been revealed, when you first pick a gym the you only see the gym leader’s silhouette. I’m like, “oh they’re actual people and not avatars? Cool.” I see Team Valor got a dark-skinned woman leading them named Candela. I’m like, aw man, you were my first choice but that yellow caught me though. It’s cool. Respect. I see Team Mystic’s leader Blanche got the Legolas swag goin’. Okay. Okay. I’m fucking with it. Then I get to Instinct’s leader, Spark. Okay, name sounds kinda “I lift things up and I put them down” bro-ish but maybe he’s a geek squad type cat or a Nikola Tesla fan too; I mean Zapados is his house banner he gotta be co–

…*sucks teeth* Okay. *exhales while repeatedly nodding* Okay… See, hmmmm but why he- You know what? There are no words. I’m stuck with dude as my leader so I might as well get this over with now so Spark and I can have a good working relationship afterwards. *rolls up sleeves* This shit gonna get real personal before it gets better. *Sets Timer* …