Yo, now that some time has passed there is something I just gotta address. Pitch Perfect 2. I know you’re probably thinkin’, “but that was mad long ago.” Not for me, man. Not. For. Me. Look, I’m going to keep it one hundred — I understand the whole thing for Pitch Perfect 2 was y’all were on top and got too comfortable with the theatrics which led to your downfall. I get it, y’all were supposed to be back to the grind being the underdogs at the world stage, I get it. The German team Das Sound Machine were the cocky folks that were running the a-capella game on an international level. Y’all changed the a-capella game by not doing a cover and going with an original for the latter half of your final performance and incorporating the past Bellas as well. It was a truly lovely gesture. There is just one small… very small, minor detail, really.
Are you fucking kidding me? They took Fall Out Boy’s My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark and then combined that shit with DJ Khaled’s All I Do Is Win then destrooooooyed all of y’all. Are we really serious? I mean really?! Don’t make me take it to the gifs *jumping up and down* Ohhh laaaaawd — them gifs? *said to the tune of It’s Like a Jungle Sometimes“* a-huh-uh-huh-huh–huh-huh Them gifs got all the receipts we need, boy.
Sun, this is the world championships. They were the champions and went fucking first?! They went first and I don’t know if it was a mercy kill or if they were standing on your grave eatin’ hot Cheetos which translates as OVERKILL. Play that highlight reel so I can John Madden this shit right quick. Let me get that instant replay.
THEY MADE A FUCKING FINISH LINE, YO! THEY HAD A FUCKING FINISH LINE AND DUDE WAS IN THE FUCKING KANYE EDITION LEATHER KILT, B! I’m in the theater feeling like I’m watching the finals from 8 Mile and switched over to the First 48. It was too fucking savage, yo. I’m like yo, fuck the Bellas gon’ do, cause they just came for they neck. BUT THE KICKER??! THE MUTHA FUCKING KICKER?! Das Sound Machine straight up trolled America by raising their group flag as a parody of the 5 marines raising the American flag on Iwo Jima.
SUN! SUN! I-HOPPED-OUT-THE-MUH-FUCKIN-SEAT IN THE THEATERS SHOUTIN’, “SAVAGE!” repeatedly. They straight up trolled the Bellas and the United States of America via history. Shots fucking fired, yo. I’m lookin’ at the Bellas like, “alright, what y’all got? Y’all better do the damn thing. Y’all better bring the heat! Y’all better… stand… on… stage… doing… step? No, wait…Pattycake? Ummm is there more to… no they’re still…hmmm um…”
I mean y’all covered Beyonce’s Girls, sure (although Flawless would’ve been the better clap back). Okay, then you took a risk doing the original song Flashlight from your group. Some folks had flashlights in the audience. Okay. I’m leaning back in my seat like “well the Bellas had a good run. It was nice, so we gettin’ oxtail after this or–” then the judges said the winners were the Bellas?! Nah. Nooooooooooo. Hell no, homie. What?! Are you fucking kidding me? The fuck part of the game is this shit? Did somebody put in the alternate ending by accident? I dunno what universe they were supposed to win in but I know damn sure it wasn’t this timeline.
Bruh, after the performance Germany’s Das Sound Machine did? If I was in the audience I would’a took down my “Go Bellas” sign, made sure no red, white, or blue was on me, and brushed up on a British accent because that’s how bad America got clapped. It was that brutal, dude. I ain’t seen America take a hit like that since the selfie stick. I ain’t seen America take a hit like that since 35 seconds ago when one of our politicians or celebrities probably said something ignorant or problematic. Now you trying to tell me the Bellas won? Cause they brought out they aunties to help them? Nooooooooope! Sorry, I’m not hearing it. This gotta be top 5 robberies in fictional history. That shit didn’t sit right in my fucking soul, yo. Das Sound Machine don’t even know what losing is though.
I’m sorry but I just had to get this off my chest cause it’s been bothering me for the longest. I had dinner that night and couldn’t taste a damn thing. I was tossing and turning in my sleep and shit. Bellas, no disrespect, you did your thing in the first movie, don’t get me wrong (although this second movie had way more racial humor that wasn’t exactly funny at all and apparently a-capella is taking parts of Black music via a catchy tune) but on the world stage? Nah. Nnnmmmmm-mmmmmm. I’m sorry but Das Sound Machine over everything.