Annual Fictional Baes For The BNP Staff: 2017 Edition

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The Oxford Dictionary [Black Twitter Edition] defines the word Bae as a significant other in which you would eventually inform of how much stronger your bond could be i.e. “This could be us but you playing” or a person so skilled in their field that their ranking of “Bawse” places them on a pedestal of awe and tremendous amounts of admiration. We here at Black Nerd Problems strive to celebrate all shapes and forms of baes across multiple genres. That being said, we present (in no particular order) the people currently killing the game and our hearts with the greatest of ease. Check out the previous bae postings.

“Maeve Millay
“I shine bright even with no rocks on my wrist
Name another mother fucker that has got it like this”

Stephanee: I have never seen someone sit naked on a stool so perfectly poised and vulnerable, yet exude such unremitting strength. Maeve is pure power. Beautiful and ferocious. When she looks at you, you want to believe all the way down to your bones that she’s WOKE.

Everything she thought she knew about the town in which she lives, the people she sees day after day, the men she services—it is all just a story someone has created for her, a narrative. In this incarnation, she was designed to serve the appetites of men, but she begins to see the entire display for what it is: a fiction. Maeve realizes, “This isn’t real.” What do you do once you awaken to that fact? If you’re BAE, you decide some changes are in order, some self-prescribed code-tweaks, if you will. You decide to write your own story, and in that story, you are going to be a badass.

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Favorite Bar: “At first I thought you and the others were gods. And then I realized you’re just men, and I know men.” orFavorite Bar: “At first I thought you and the others were gods. And then I realized you’re just men, and I know men.” or “You think I’m scared of death. I’ve done it a million times, and I’m fucking great at it. How many times have you died?”

Maeve is the embodiment of a strong woman with a mission. She was willing to be destroyed over and over again to gain her freedom. She was told she wasn’t real, but she rejected the definitions assigned to her by her creators of who she was and what she could be. She was told she had to stay within the lines of the stories that had been written for her, to be the characters they created, to exist inside the boundaries set to confine her— so she learned the system whose goal it was to keep her enslaved and used it to her advantage.

Even when faced with the notion that her very rebellion might have been scripted, she carried on, knowing the only course for her was one that led to being in charge of her own destiny. Being BAE means deciding you want Administrative privileges over your own life. It means writing your own story. That’s the kind of rebel spirit that wins my heart.

Garnet
“We all know about body bags,
but seems everybody brags about being tough, catch a body tag”

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*fan art by Kirael-Art

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Izetta: I’m claiming the BAE of all BAES. Your bae bows down to my bae. Your bae basks in the shine of my bae while catching simultaneous shade from my bae. My bae got a third eye side eye that’ll extract Shea Moisture from Michelle Obama’s newly coveted natural coif and turn it into rain water.

Garnet! Yes, Garnet from Steven Universe is BAE! My all day, every day, twice on Sunday bae. How can you not love Garnet? She is the fusion of two gems; Ruby, the fiery proud protector and Sapphire, the calm intuitive aristocrat. Their worlds collided and fate took over to create a love worth risking it all for. Not only that, when Rose Quartz gave up her physical form to birth Steven, Garnet became the leader. She is strong, practical and throws some good shade.

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Favorite Bar: “All comedy is derived from fear.”

She is loving and strong. Garnet leads by bringing the best of each gem out of them, acknowledging and loving their flaws. She doesn’t use her foresight for wrong and guides with a loving hand. Even when she has struggled to stay together, she acknowledged her faults and acted in love. Garnet is mighty, but fair and Bastdammit if she doesn’t have the best afro this side of Homeworld! Voiced by Estelle, Garnet’s song and her fight are an act of love. Look at your bae, now look at mine and ask yourself- “who gone love you better, baby?” The answer is Garnet.

Titus Andromedon
“You should be honored by my lateness
That I would even show up to this fake shit”

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“But I already did something today”

Aisha: Titus had me at “go away.” His disdain for people and the natural order of this world, whether it be due to plain confusion or his unique view, is my source of inspiration in life. Titus makes Migos and “bad and boujee” look like the posers they are. Using his confidence alone to command a French bistro, straight up using a cardboard laptop to make himself look important to get what he needs.

Who else can get 10 minutes of fame from a local news network off of the media attention of his friend’s tragedy – Titus. The most resourceful mofo, cashing in on other people’s resources and making an entire music video in a rich person’s home, without their knowledge!

He is forever young meaning the 90s are alive in Titus, I live for it. He’ll break out the VHS for movie night and probably try to return it at Blockbuster the next day. At the same time trying to school Kimmy on the ways of the modern world. I mean there is only one way to mourn a broken R.Kelly cassette tape.

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Favorite Bar: “Can you pay my bills, Can you pay my telephone bills, Can you pay my automo-bills, If you did then maybe we could chill”

Always on the grind, making his room an Airbnb to hipsters for quick cash, scheming and exploiting his situation to get that one thing that can advance his career.

He’s that sensitive one, giving up five times before really trying, and on the 6th time giving it his all. “I don’t give up on everything I…whatever,” he gets me – I have a lot of ideas, it’s not giving up, its brainstorming. Titus asks all the real questions like, “What white nonsense is this?” Exactly I think this all the time! – what white nonsense is EVERYTHING!!?

Titus Andromedon is a beautiful conundrum that sums up my most inner feelings. The confidence that I truly can achieve anything and be lazy at the same time. His self interest, wit and sensitivity are brilliant comedic elements, that make a well rounded character who commands the screen. Pinooot Noooir!

Jessica Huang
“So cold, I’m ferocious G, n***** ain’t as dope as me
Mind your fuckin’ business, watch your mouth when you approachin'” me

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Frantz: Straight Outta Taiwan: I thoroughly F with Jessica Huang. First off, she’s got all the swag the suburban 90s had to offer (her visor game is legendary!). My girl is serving up hot plates of FOH to whoever wants to get this work. Them one liners be looking white supremacy dead in the eye sockets while playing mahjong with her son’s college savings. She got bars. Jessica Huang is the Taiwanese equivalent to Melissa Harris Perry, pointing out with the most deadpan and acerbic jabs at American whiteness, the hypocrisy of race in the U.S.

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Favorite Bar: “It was a white lie, one that protects you
from all the things that make white people soft.”

Just know, if you don’t come correct, she will flame you and everything you stand for. Points on the pack for Constance Wu being real life ‘woke bae’ (if Black Twitter algorithms took human form, it’d be her).

Iris West
“I wear the crown, I’m king
Respect is mandatory, end of the story”

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Keith: As a man who’s spent most of my life interested in writing, DC comics and beautiful women, my fictional bae is pretty easy to guess: Iris West. If CW’s Flash weren’t already the best live action thing Warner Bros. has going, I’d still watch it every week just to see her do her thing.

Unlike some iterations of comic book characters – Daredevil’s Karen Page – Iris didn’t just jump into reporting because someone asked her too. Nah. She was already putting regular work in as she let her interest in the Flash lead to a budding career as an investigative reporter for a major newspaper. That’s what you call hustle, people.

Iris West is the kind of woman that I’d bring home to my folks and have people asking me, “So… how the hell did this happen?” We’d be competing back and forth to see who could win a Pulitzer Prize first and be supportive no matter who won. Which makes it suck every week to see Barry play the “I love you too much to love you” game.

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Favorite Bar: “Listen to me. Ever since the night that you told me how you felt, I have not been able to stop thinking about you. At first I was really mad, and then I realized that the reason I couldn’t stop thinking about you was because I didn’t want to.”

Given all of the hoops Iris and Barry have put each other through, I don’t think it’s meant to be. I couldn’t care much less who Barry ends up with after that. But Iris? You deserve so much better than a play brother/fiancé who keeps too many secrets. The BNP crew jokingly calls me Keith “By the Book” Reid-Cleveland. I’d open that book for you and let you see all of its pages. [No creepy innuendo intended.]

Just know, if something ever happens to Iris West, I will riot. I don’t care if I’m by myself. I’ve got a passport and access to a megaphone. I’ll make things happen.

Ilian
“So I pray Pray for peace, I pray for change
keep on praying when everything stays the same”

Monica: I’m coming back for round 3 with Ilian (Portrayed by Chai Hansen) from The 100. This warrior is a tormented badass, with a kind heart and enviable hair. He starts off the season attempting to avenge his family. So noble!!!

Favorite Bar: “I told you my sad story. Tell me yours.”
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I’m excited to see what this sci-fi show does with him in the future Here’s hoping that he survives his introductory season, but knowing this fictional world, anything goes.

Oryx
“Kill ‘em. That’s what I hear when I get a hot feel in my nostrils
In my forehead, As I code red you’d be more dead than a horse head
in a four bedroom apartment”

Anissa: Now I know you must be saying to yourself, “Did this girl pick Oryx as Bae?” I know it’s crazy but bare with me. This is going to be good. Now Oryx is a tyrant hell-bent on destroying planets and wiping out civilizations. Basically, he’s a nihilist. We all know that. But he’s more than that. He’s more than just this entity that’s jacked as f*ck, has thighs strong enough to crush planets, and wields a big sword. *giggity* The main thing that sticks out the most for me when it comes to Oryx is the fact that he has children.

Why would a being that only destroyed and killed for the entirety of his life, want to create something? It’s something this guardian will never understand but it’s kind of sweet when you think about it. You can tell that Oryx really “loves and cares” for his children. Instead of returning to his thrown alone, he’d rather have his son and daughters by his side. We are first introduced to his love when the guardians slayed his son, Crota. Oryx was like “F*ck with me? Cool. “F*ck with my son? Now you bout to get this work!” Oryx wasn’t having that.

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Favorite Bar: “You… are the last hope of the Light? I have taken entire worlds. You are not worthy to face me.”

You can’t expect to mess with his children and not pay for the consequences. That’s what admirable about him. A dad’s love for his son. He decides the guardians need to pay for their actions and enlists his daughters, Ir Anûk and Ir Halak to ensure your destruction. Now, Oryx seeks to end our Light because he knows that it can be used to destroy him. He sees it as imperfection. Luckily, if your light is high enough, you can defeat his daughters, and eventually him. Well that, and a fire team of 6. You might be thinking, well Oryx is cruel for using his children for pain and destruction. But you need to understand that they were created that way. They don’t know any way else.

Yes, Oryx may be a dick and will not hesitate to destroy you, but the love for his children shows that there’s some form of love in there. Oryx and his children show love to each other through destruction and death, and that’s just great!

Megumin
“It’s a bonfire, turn the lights out
I’m burnin’ everything you muthafuckas talk about”

Willie: So my bae is my personal “best girl” 2 years running: Megumin aka. Crazy girl. So in the world of Konosuba, which is already one of my favorite shows, there are a lot of amazing characters but Megumin stands out because of the fact that she could be one of the strongest characters in the entire world because she’s an Arch-Wizard and their magical abilities know no bounds. She could be so powerful that every party would want to recruit her for adventuring but she chooses not to because she only wants to use the most pure, punctual, and perfect kind of magic: Explosion magic. Yes! Explosion magic! Magic that could overthrow an entire country! Magic that can easily destroy Mt. Everest in a single shot! Magic that she can only use once because it drains so much of her mana(because she never used her points to level it up) she immediately passes out after using but it’s worth it!

So Megumin only uses explosion magic even though she could easily learn other spells and practice other magic. She’s also very naive and innocent so when she’s dubbed as the “crazy explosion girl” she’s legitimately surprised it’s her. She also has an epic speech every time she uses explosion magic usually along the lines of “Crimson-black blaze, king of myriad worlds, though I promulgate the laws of nature… Let the hammer of eternity descend unto me! Explosion!” She immediately passes out after saying that by the way. She always has to cast an explosion spell at least once a day or she’ll die.

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Favorite Bar: “EXPLOOOOOOOOOOOOSION.”

She won’t actually die, but her imagination is usually overbearing and is forced onto others. For example, the eyepatch that she wears is actually a way to suppress her magical powers because if she didn’t have the eyepatch on her magic would probably be strong enough to destroy the entire world. Luckily the eyepatch is a legendary relic; the only instrument powerful enough to contain her magical power. It actually does nothing it’s only a fashion statement. Basically, her character is pure imagination. An unrivaled view of the world is shared from her perspective. She’s the only who can truly keep up with Kazuma and his tactics while being the most level headed one in the group. She cherishes her friends and her innocent demeanor quickly goes away if someone tries to attack them. Combine that with her mannerisms, her dialect that she uses, and the fact that she’s just cute as hell and you have an easy winner for best girl and best bae.

Missandei
“Loyalty Loyalty Loyalty”

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Ja-Quan: I won’t say that Game of Thrones suffers from the unforgivable removal of black characters from their world, but everyone can agree that the realm suffers from its fair share of diversity. That’s why people ride so fucking hard for Grey Worm. Das why we haven’t seen Salladhor Saan in 4 seasons, but homeboy stands firmly in many favorite character lists. That’s why Missandei is the fictional bae. Have you SEEN her? Have you SEEN her counsel The Mother of Dragons? She’s the kindest, most loyal, steadfast, beautiful woman on the show. What’s that? Facts.

Favorite Bar:
Missandei: How many days were you a slave?
Tyrion Lannister: Long enough to know.
Missandei: Not long enough to understand.

Her innocence in the face of power hungry savagery. Many forget that her book counterpart is but a tween surrounded by manipulative, controlling men. Vigilance of a life long slave turned righteous Breaker of Chains affiliate. Many forget that she was forced into servitude at like age 5. Dedication to the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. She has stuck by Danaerys Targaryen’s side since her translator days. For these and so many other reasons, Missandei is bae.

Vanasha
Let me cover your shit glitter / I could make it gold, gold

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William: Look, fam ain’t no Punk up in Vanasha’s DNA. You first meet her when Aloy makes her way to Sunfall, looking for entry to a secret passage. Vanasha been doing the Black Ops with these Shadow Carja bastards. First she sends you on a mission find an honorable but disgraced warrior. But you know, the reward for hard work is more hard work and she go plenty for you. But nah man, she ain’t just your agent, but her mouthpiece is on 900. Quick witted, sharp tongued, and always the smartest person in the room, yo. But she ain’t all talk fam, she nice with the bow too when she helps Aloy defend the young heir to the throne from these Carja muthafuckas, but that was light work cuz they don’t want none of that trouble, fam. Did I mention she’s this world’s version of Black Girl Magic personified?

Favorite Bar: “I only have to fight when I have to, but by the time I have to, I usually want to.”

Did I mention she got a stomach that look like the Ebony Brick Road? She was supposed to be a handmaiden in disguise, when she have time to There’s also the distinct possibility that she either flirts with Aloy to mess with her or because she’s queer, or both. Either of those would be dope for the character and the setting. Sheeeeiiiit. Voiced by the gorgeous Lara Rossi, I might play this game again, JUST for her sections of the game. And to see the abs one more gin, probably.

Ashi
“I’ll throw you in the river, hands tied tight
Watch your ass drown, feel it in the air tonight”

Omar: First and foremost we ain’t talking about bae unless we talking about Ashi aka “You Thicc girl” if you nasty… or frequent Tumblr. Ashi’s deliverance and embrace of life are what makes her journey (which parallels Jack’s) so dope game. The baller shit is her rebirth from being baptized is the hot charcoals as a representation of Aku’s darkness since childhood to deciding it’s time to get up on her own shit. Ashi finds a waterhole and undergoes a transformation akin to baptizing herself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

Ashi takes the pumice stone to her skin and is out here looking like the best shampoo commercial ever. Ashi’s gets the glow up as she redoes the hair and takes on a new fern gully look. I’m talking body wrapped in seaweed, hair flourishing, and pores clearer than an 800 credit score. The best part is these are the choices Ashi is making all on her lonesome, this is how she wants to be recognized in the world.

Favorite Bar: “The decisions you make and the actions that follow
are a reflection of who you are.”- Samurai Jack

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Now don’t you go and get it twisted, Ashi got her redemption, new outlook on life, organic makeup, and red carpet ready new outfit but she is still got the makings of a murderer. Ain’t no male gaze or sexualized views when Ashi getting it in. Your girl takes it back to the Bubba Sparxx Ugly when she gets to merking. Ain’t shit pretty about Ashi’s resolve in the middle of a fight my guy, and there shouldn’t be. This is war, your girl gets gritty, ruthless, and Christopher Nolan dark when it’s time to cut the PSE&G lights on your ass for that night-night.

Ashi out here fighting butt ass and whooping ass like it’s nothing; like it’s nothing duke. Don’t even get me started on her cupcake awkward cute affections before that ship became canon with Jack. DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THAT JIMMY EAT’S WORLD LEVEL SWEETNESS! ARGHHHHH! Ashi came out on the other side of abuse, brainwashing, and grueling training, cleaner than fuck. Ashi got a new lease on life and she is now living her best life.

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