***Look man, spoilers for the first half of Attack on Titan, Season: 3, Episode #40. I just need the first 12 minutes or so, fam. I aint’ gonna say shit about the rest of this fire ass episode. But let me get the first cuttttttt***
Can I talk my shit again? Can I talk my shit AGAIN?!?!
Man listen, I don’t know what the fuck you be doing with your weekend, but I know I be breaking down this new Attack on Titan footage like a defensive back coach, studying routes and coverage and shit. Let me tell y’all off the muthafuckin’ jump: If Captain Levi was a wide receiver, he’d be Randy Moss circa Minnesota et al 2003. CAN’T NOBODY SEE YOUR BOY LEVI WHEN HE GOT HIS CHAKRA UP IN THESE TROST STREETS MY GAWD. This look like season one Levi. When he was kickin’ the shit out of Eren with all that sass.
Levi had the most infamously Fabulous kick in all of anime. Just look at all that sass in the follow-thru. #AttackOnTitan pic.twitter.com/73KCgQYgeY
— CrysCoKid (@CrysCoKid) April 15, 2018
Your boy was sidelined last season with that young ankle, but he been doing his rehab and the cortisone shot and probably some unsanctioned Titan serum that grows back tendons or some shit. But Season 3? Your boy out here spry as a muthafucka. Your boy out here playing in a contract year. Let’s break this shit down.
“We all gotta die but, I ain’t ready to leave
that’s why even if it’s petty I’ll be ready to squeeze”
You remember how you was a little kid that didn’t know shit about metaphysics or ghosts or the human memory and you thought if you threw a blanket over your knucklehead, then nobody could see you? Levi avoided the blast by using his cloak of invisibility fam. You gotta get all your other heroes the fuck outta here man cuz Levi don’t give a good gotdamn. Then your boy hit the slopes on them and skied his ass off the roof. We Vertical Limit now?!?! Bruh. BRUH.
“Ring the alarm, the caterpillar keeps firing (OoOoOoOh),
we in the war where butterflies keep dyin'”
Trost District got Olympic trials? We ain’t got nothing to say about Levi out here going Tony Hawk on these dudes? How you mix Parkour and 3D Maneuver Cables like it’s a new drink in the club? Dexterity muthafuckas do you speak it? Levi so nasty with the handle, he had his own moves on NBA Live 95. Then, he escapes Kenny one mo gin by Angry Birds-ing himself into the bar? Sheeeiiiit.
“This ain’t for the conscious, this is for the mud-made monsters”
Soon as Kenny went to toss another chair (like Kenny wyd fam?), Levi grabbed the Longmire rifle and shot Kenny all up in his breathing treatments, man. Shot that shit Elmer Fudd versus Batman style. Kenny took that chair straight to the body. All splinters, no chaser.
“I was a cold dude, I’m getting back to my ways”
As if that wasn’t enough, he straight up Moby D’ed dude with the harpoon gear. He put some extra steam on that shit fam. He yoked dude up like Scorpion, then used him as a human shield. Why Captain Levi running off tackle bruh? Why call Red power 22 on these lames? Who knew Levi was about that smashmouth, ground and pound style. He gonna slingshot this speared bastard into his own men and then brought his blades to a gunfight! He ran through these MP bastards like fuckin’ Flomax.
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