We are here. The final episode for the series finale of Banshee. We have seen the cast fight, kill, and steal a lot over the past three seasons. Who’s gonna make it out alive? Only one way to find out. Let’s kick this off and say for the final time…
And you say Blood In Banshee! We done got our serial killer paying rent up in the Banshee morgue so everything should be good and done here, right? Wrong! Wrong as fuck. We’re at the Proctor residence and imagine you walking out on your lawn and you see a good 30-40 Neo-Nazis at your front door coming to run your jewels, freedoms, liberties, lands, and basic human and civil rights. *stares at camera like in the office* Yeah, that’s what Proctor walked up into. Calvin Bunker in Proctor’s face on some “I’m dee captain now” shit… until Proctor brings out the state senator he was talking to last episode. Apparently this state senator is the head of this Neo-Nazi party.
The saddest part is that could legit be an actual thing in true life. Proctor went and got the Neo-Nazi party dad on Calvin, man. Calvin proceeds to catch yet another L as he’s berated, insulted, and has his power stripped from him IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CREW! Dude, he must not have read the fine print when he signed up for this party. Calvin has taken so many L’s this season that every time I see an L-shaped bar when I play Tetris I just see his face coming down the screen.
Hood sees Deva before she goes off too college. She’s worried she won’t fit into the normal life of college. Hood is like, “It’s 2016, eeeeverybody copped a body. You’ll be fine and I’ll bring banana bread when I come visit you, I promise.” Veronica is at the police station talkin’ to Declan’s lady Lilith. She talkin’ ’bout Declan was chosen by Satan for this gift to have the devil talking to him. Listen, I hear Satan start talking to me in my head? I’m listening to Kirk Franklin with ear buds in and watching all the Black church movies I can till Satan comes up out the spot. Veronica reveals that Declan killed on a lunar cycle and is trying to figure out why that was broken for Rebecca Bowman. This girl said Declan had his reasons…
WHICH MEANS SHE LYIIIIN’. Hood stops by to say bye to Veronica. She tells him bout Rebecca not being part of the M.O. for Declan. Hood got the “You fucking shitting me?” face on, which means someone killed Rebecca and made it look like Declan… someone who had access to files and… Proctor. It’s looking like Proctor did this shit (as we all guessed). Hood takes Veronica to Proctor’s place but his ass is gone.
Proctor is at an airfield setting up for his meeting with the drug Cartell. He ain’t alone because muh fucking cold-ass Carrie Hopewell is stalking him. Yo, I have not seen a villain get trolled so hard by a vigilante like Carrie has been trolling Proctor. Carrie has been FedEx-ing Proctor mad L’s this season and he’s had to sign off on them shits. Carrie calls Kurt, who is with Brock cleaning up Clayton’s mess after merkin mad Nazis.
Kurt: This isn’t a good time.
Carrie: Oh I’m sorry. Proctor is just out here dealing drugs to to fucking Cartel. Put me on hold I’ll listen to the call waiting music till it’s a good time.
Kurt: Don’t have to be snarky about it all th–
Carrie: Oh no, I actually wasn’t being sarcastic I do have time they’ve been talking about Pottery Barn for the past half hour.
Kurt: DAMN IT, THE SALE IS THIS WEEK?!
Brock: Lemme hold that for a second. *Kurt hands Brock the phone* Mrs. Hopewell, I presume?
At the airfield, Proctor is opening the drug cargo for Emilio and mad proud of himself and muhfucking cold-ass Carrie is up in there chillin’. How you kill off the guards and steal a whole Optimus Prime full of drugs then manage to be chillin’ mad cool in the cargo bay till someone opens the doors? If I was Emilio I’d be more impressed than upset. Muhfuckas try to rob me all the time, but damn, you did it with finesse. Job is on top of the truck holding a gun straight outta the Doom video game. Carrie telling Emilo she just wanted to show him Proctor’s word ain’t worth chipmunk shit. Banshee isn’t a safe space for his drug operation, and all she wants for that intel is to walk away with Job scott free.
Emilio: Go on then…
Procotor: WORD? You gonna let her walk?
Emilio: Shud uuuuuup.
*Carrie and Job get 5 paces away*
Emilio: *Cocks gun* Aye… you ain’t expect me to really let y’all… anyone hear that? Does that sound like a rocket launcher being shot?
Proctor: *Sees rocket headed toward them* I swear to Barbra Streisand, Carrie, you are the pettiest person I ever met in my life.
Carrie: Fuck you and the Pottery Barn you shop at.
Sun, Brock shot the fucking rocket launcher from Steph Curry distance to blow up the drugs and Proctor’s whole deal. Carrie and Job steal a car and get Brock. Carrie decided off the strength of that wild shit. Her vigilante days are done… she is keeping the BMW tho because these seats are niiiiiice.
Hood and Veronica realize Proctor wasn’t home so they scoping out the residence and going into a the backyard. Going into the shed, and Hood lookin’ around and says, “How much you wanna bet I move this lawn mower–”
Veronica: There’ll be a secret basement lookin’ like it’s straight out of Dungeons and Dragons.
Hood: I was going to say a 14th-century castle in Middle Earth, but yeah.
Of course there is a secret dungeon to the basement, and of course they find blood there, but Hood also sees Rebecca’s necklace. Proctor guilty as all fuck now. Hood then says, “Yeah I gotta take care of something” and leaves Veronica. Back at the air field, Proctor is waking up as Emilio has him at gunpoint. Emilio’s blaming Proctor for all this shit about to kill him. I’m not involved in the drug trade, but that seems a bit extreme, man. Proctor had losses because of this too. You gonna kill him instead of do a revenge team up? Weeeeelp, that’s why Proctor shot your ass. Clay Burton proceeds to put lead in Emilio’s entire crew. Clay done killed so many folk this season and his bow tie remained perfectly in place the entire time. They’re driving back and Clay asking what the play’s going to be since the cartel will be gunning for Proctor now.
Before Proctor can get a fucking thought out these guy’s get T-boned over the guard rail and into the woods by Hood. Proctor is having the most dick day of his life. Carrie been trolling him all season, a Nazi put a dead head on his mayor’s desk ruining the finish (that shit is mahogany, you know how hard it is to get blood out of Mahogany?), Rebecca was running wild and now she’s dead, and to top it off he just got T-boned into a fucking nature reserve where Bambi’s mom got shot. His leg is all broken as he crawls out the car and Hood is kicking it to interrogate him.
Hood: You killed Rebecca you dick! I found her necklace in your middle-Earth sub-basement.
Proctor: What the fuck are you talking about? I hate middle Earth. I have a futuristic themed attic but I don’t have a fucking middle Earth decor’d basement. That you would even say that shit offends me.
Hood: Wait… *remembers seeing Clay Burton do live-action role play of middle Earth characters every other weekend* Shiiiiit. It was Clay.
*We the flashback to Clay killing Rebecca saying she’s making proctor soft, and apparently his favorite movie is Avatar because he was yellin’, “He doesn’t see you… BUT I SEE YOU. IIIIIII SEEEEE YOUUUUU.”*
Proctor deserved an Emmy for that “the fuck are you talking about” line delivery. I. WAS. DYING. Now we got the final boss battle we’ve been waiting for, Clay versus Hood. Clay went straight up Muy Thai on Hood, man. HE GAVE HOOD A KNEE STRIKE AND A FUCKING DROP KICK, DUDE. When was the last time you seen someone do an actual dropkick in a fight? Hood was getting his ass beat but then realized he couldn’t be getting beaten up by a tax auditor in his obituary as Clay was choking the fuck out of him. Hood summoned all the Rick Flair he had in him and poked dude in the aye, broke his arm, and proceeded to fucking head-butt him (literally) into submission. See, this is why I don’t like getting into fights with strangers.
I do not want to fight someone that’s going to use his head as a weapon against me because that is a person with fucking NOTHING to lose. Hood drags Clay over to onto Proctor’s lap and makes good on his promise of delivering Rebecca’s killer. Clay was just like, “aye, I’m sorry Kai but she was fucking up the money, homie. I did it for the goon squad. *makes gang bird nosies*” Proctor teared up, nodded, made the gang bird noise back at Clay… then broke his own homie’s neck.
Hood is back in Veronica’s hotel fixing himself up as she comes in.
Hood: Yeah it was Proctor’s boy that killed Rebecca… his butler or whatever.
Veronica: His butler?
Hood: Yeah. His butler did it. In the basement.
Veronica: With the knife.
Hood: Yes. Are you making a reference ’cause I feel like you’re making a reference– Ohhhhh.
Hood:*snaps fingers* Arghhh, got me.
Bunker goes over to Brock’s place to get Maggie but sees that Calvin finds them just as they are making out. Man, Calvin done lost it all. That boy is over the edge on loses for this entire season and is coming for Kurt. You know we living in a crazy world when the ex-Neo-Nazi-turned-cop doesn’t just shoot this dude off the strength. Calvin comes at Kurt and Kurt straight up squares up with Calvin. Calvin was gettin’ hits off with brass knucks on Kurt then got him in the million-dollar dream sleeper after some more good hits but… Kurt fucking spiked the final L of Calvin’s LIFE on him as he gave him a fucking WWF sidewalk slam.
KURT BUNKER STRAIGHT UP SIDEWALK SLAMMED THIS DUDE AND I LOST MY MIND! It’s over. You get put in a WWF move in a real fight? It’s fucking OOOOOVER. Calvin charged at him and he got lifted up for a FUCKING SPINE BUSTER?
THAT’S TWO WWF MOVES YOU JUST GOT PUT IN, CALVIN! KILL YO’SELF! MUHFUCKA KILL YO’SELF! Kurt mounted his ass for the ground-and-pound and just beat the lame out of Calvin, man. Kurt walks away and Calvin gets up talkin’ that shit. Just take the L and walk away Calvin… but ya mans and dem can’t do that. He’s telling Kurt he’s going to find Maggie no matter where she goes, he’ll kill his own son just to get to them. Muhfucka said the magic words as Kurt lit his ass up. Weeeeelp, he dead as fuck. At the precinct he recounts the story to Brock, and Brock’s like, “I don’t even care, man. Dude was a dick, you good by me, fam. Sometimes ya gotta get your hands dirty, b. When you type up that bullshit report make the font comic sans.”
Brock looks out his window and sees Hood staring back at him smiling with his eyes like real muhfuckas do while mouthing, “You got the juice now… also I think I have a shitload of paychecks I didn’t pick up so I’ma see Tarji about this, but I know she’s out at lunch. If you could just make sure she gets the note I left. Oh wait. She’s back, never mind.”
Hood then visits Carrie… and the fucking pathos, man. I loved this because even though they loved each other through this shit they still cared, but at the same time couldn’t really be together. Hood just wanted her to know she always meant something to him, even when was locked up she was all he thought about and she knew the real muhfucka he truly was. That’s why this show was great, man. We don’t get the fucking fairy-tale ending dude, we’re more surprised by the folks that made it out alive, but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna to go the typical route for a happy ending. Carrie’s getting the kids back and the house on haunted Hopewell hill has finally exorcized all her ghosts and Hood leaves her on a good note, and with that Carrie Hopewell remains in Banshee as the hardest muthafucka in city limits.
Last thing Hood has to do is take Sugar’s car back to him… that he fucking ruined. Sugar is like, “I knew you were going to wreck my shit. This is literally why I can’t have nice things.” In the bar Job is getting his shit and getting the fuck gone. Job is half-assedly telling Sugar it’s been real (he don’t mean that shit) but before leaving he does the realest shit and pays his tab by dropping a bag full of money on the table for Sugar. Sugar spent his retirement money getting Job out, so Job got that shit back with interest. Now I’m not gonna say I was feeling like crying or anything when Sugar was staring at Job and said the most sincere thank you I ever heard on television, but I’m just sayin’… that was some real shit.
Job lets Sugar know he can reach him via Hood. He then leaves Banshee and says his final goodbye with telling the town to suck his tit. The gawd of HTML is up and gone from the town of Banshee. Sugar tells Hood as he goes out into the world he done served his time for his sins, now it’s all about what he is going to do. As Hood leaves we see Black SUVs rolling in. The fucking henchmen of the Cartel done came to clean up Proctor. My man Proctor looks out his window… sips that scotch, limps his ass outside with the vintage tommy gun, and goes out letting the choppa sing.
And that’s how the most underrated show in the fucking TV game ends ladies and gentlemen. Banshee was the best fucking neo-noir; fucking action show; fucking sex scenes that made sense and made me have to close the laptop mad quick in public as I typed recaps for this shit; and the most fucking perfect cast of a television series we’ve seen in a long time. I fucking loved this fucking show, (as you can tell by the curses) and as we retire Banshee‘s Jersey up into the rafters I’m going to hang mine up there as well and retire from recaps Jay-Z style as the music plays for my outro.
We gon’ ride out on this one. Yo Will Evans, remember we’d be up looking for GIFs on Tumblr for these shows till like 2am? You for Game of Thrones, me for Banshee. Why they dead my shit, man? I had to use screen shots, you was clownin’ but we made it work… Leslie and Jordan, what up!? Nicole homer, what up? Y’all be editing these recaps wondering who’s who and having to deal with my typos and slang. Appreciate that… Oz! You always came through on the live tweets, baby. You know I had to see it late and you held it down homie. Be gettin’ them retweets in one take. Big Mike and Jive, what up?! Always sharing the recaps in the tweets and the Facebook streets… Gemineye we made it to the end, yo! Ivana, whats good?! You the hardest muhfucking character on TV. You got that title now, yo. Greg, Jtroop, Calir, y’all crazy for this one. Tom P, way to put on for Jersey. Cinemax, what’s good? Used to have to watch your shows through the squiggly lines back in the day… I ain’t gonna’ say what shows late at night and all that but you know… Shouts out to Café Metro! Salads got me through the all nighters for this shit, kid… Shout out to otters and pandas. I just like reblogging them muhfuckas on Tumblr. Makes me happy. Rebecca Bowman, rest in peace. Clay Burton, rest in peace. My native Chayton Littlestone, rest in peace…. Nola Longshadow, rest in peace gawd. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh fandom, I’m ’bout to go rebloggin, man. I might even have me a gluten-free double shot mocha latte, fuck it! I’m goin’ somewhere nice where no internet trolls at, fandom… … …IT’S YA BOY!