Explaining Football to Game of Thrones Fans

As happens every year, the Super Bowl on Sunday was the most watched show in history, which means it draws EVERYBODY to watch, especially non-football or non-sports folks. A brilliant tweet from friend of the site, Jive Poetic, put the controversial road and ultimate victory of the Patriots in a unique light.

While so many people watched the game but didn’t really know the key players, I thought I’d give some insight into who they are by who they pair with best from the Game of Thrones universe.

***This is completely disregarding family affiliations or connections, so don’t landfill the comments talking about two people can’t be Greyjoys because they played for opposing teams. Nerds.***

Though they fell valiantly in battle…they still fell hella hard. (Seahawks)

Marshawn Lynch (Running Back) – Gregor Clegane aka “The Mountain” (All about that action)

[dropcap1]L[/dropcap1]ike The Mountain, Marshawn Lynch says very little and gives a fuck about even less. Dude is an unmovable force, bests his foes through his sheer strength and tenacity, and after a big setback (like losing the Super Bowl or getting a spear through the gut) has an uncertain future. Still, Marshawn the Mountain is all about that action boss, whether it’s going Beast Mode on the field or on The Red Viper’s skull.

Richard Sherman (Cornerback)– Asha Greyjoy (She does not sow…or sew)

[dropcap1]F[/dropcap1]earless. Unapologetic. Commands the respect of his companions and strikes fear in his foes. Pairs his physical talents with a good head for strategy and critical thought, however unbending in his ideology. Would also die for his fellow brothers and use all his skills in antagonizing folks to throw them off their game. He’s not the heir you asked for, but he’s the heir you deserve, the heir you need.

Russell Wilson (Quarterback) – Jon Snow (Knows nothing, including zone coverage)

[dropcap1]N[/dropcap1]obody wanted him, even though he was tied to a legitimate house (House Stark / University of Wisconsin). People passed over him until Seattle snagged him in the third round and ever since he became a starter up north at the Pacific Wall, all he’s done is Win Win Win Win Win. Constantly criticized because he is not what a “legitimate quarterback” is supposed to look and play like, the boy’s got good genes with a rocket arm, nimble legs, and possibly a Valerian Steel sword with a Seahawk head on the hilt. He’s also made a terrible decision or two, like throwing a pick on the goal line or not killing Ygritte when he had the chance and ultimately costing Qhorin Halfhand (the Seattle Offensive Coordinator) his livelihood. And the Motown hair. We can’t ignore that.

Pete Carroll (Head Coach) – Petyr Baelish aka “LittleFinger” (8-year-olds, dude)

[dropcap1]T[/dropcap1]he greatest trick the devil ever pulled was getting a 7-9 team into the playoffs and winning in the first round over a Super Bowl favorite back in 2011. Lynch, Sherman and Russell get the headlines in Seattle, but Pete is still the puppet master behind it all, building one of the best teams in the last decade. Still, Carroll’s got plenty of shady ties, like the sanctions he left behind at USC or the fact that half of his current team has been suspended or under suspicion for Performance Enhancing Drugs over the last three years. Still, he is always working and nobody will ever trust him except to succeed in some, inexplicable way.

To the winners go the spoils and all the Lannister gold you can carry (Patriots)

Rob Gronkowski (Tight End) – Bronn (Charmer for Hire)

[dropcap1]P[/dropcap1]arties way too much, loves the ladies and might spend a good deal of his time in combat while intoxicated. He also just doesn’t lose one on one, like ever, and is a match-up nightmare to his foes. Ask the dude he beat in the Eyrie who might STILL be falling through the Moon Door or any defensive back under six foot.

Tom Brady (Quarterback) – Stannis Baratheon (Proud father of Smoke Assassin children)

[dropcap1]T[/dropcap1]om Brady is the GOAT and the Lombardi Trophy is his by right. Tom Terrific might carry an aesthetic closer to Renly, but he is the most stubborn dude in the game and like Stannis, he wasn’t the first in line for his current job. But since Drew Bledsoe got gored during a hunting trip while tipsy off that wine, Tom has been laying his claim to the Iron Throne ever since. And also like Stannis at the Blackwater, the Golden Boy took HEAVY losses over the last few Super Bowl appearances. There’s no evidence that Gisele Bundchen wears red around the house and has the power to give birth to spirit smoke assassins that can invade opposing quarterbacks camps, but I’m not counting anything out either.

Darrelle Revis (Defensive Back) – Arya Stark (Youngest honed-killer in Westeros or Essos)

[dropcap1]A[/dropcap1]round the time the “Best cornerback in the league” title moved from Revis to Sherman, Revis was still putting numbers on the board for bad teams or while relegated to a secondary storyline. As he’s gotten older, he’s had to re-invent himself to be more effective, like Arya trying to convince everyone that she was a boy since stabbing a stable boy in the gut. Cornerbacks make news in two ways: either they get torched continuously or they talk a ton at the podium. Then there are the ones you don’t hear about much because they just do their job so well, that no one ever throws at them. Revis Island might as well be the continent of Essos yesterday, because nobody was trying to travel there unless they had to.

And what do we tell quarterbacks? Not today.

Bill Bellichek (Four-Time Super Bowl Champion Head Coach) – Tywin Lannister (Two-Time Obliterater of Proud Houses)

[dropcap1]J[/dropcap1]ust plain smarter than everybody else with the good old fashioned “I will destroy everything you hold dear” mentality to match. I have no idea why they don’t play Rains of Castamere at his press conferences. And also, whether it’s about using cameras when it’s prohibited, deflating footballs, or convincing a respected House to betray the Host rules to engineer The Red Wedding, we know he’s not above breaking rules to stand tall above everyone else. He’s in the legacy building business and nothing (legal or otherwise) will stand in the way of that.

Bonus: Other Sports News from the weekend

Tiger Woods (14-Time Major Champion) – Jaime Lannister (*original moniker redacted due to incest*)

[dropcap1]O[/dropcap1]nce upon a time, he had the best swing in the seven kingdoms. But did you see what happened to Tiger this past weekend? I’m assuming he was out there with one hand, fam.

Serena Williams (G-Women’s Tennis Player-OAT) – Cersei Baratheon (Greatest Wine Consumer of All Time)

[dropcap1]E[/dropcap1]verybody around her falls and at the end of the day she is ALWAYS left standing. Respect the Queen.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

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