Four Irrefutable Reasons Why You Need ‘Jean-Claude Van Johnson’ in Your Life

Before we get into why you should watch Amazon’s new crazy dope action packed hilarious beyond relief miniseries Jean-Claude Van Johnson, let me tell you what it is about. The premise of the show is that JCVD’s entire acting career was actually a cover story for his former black ops career. The kicker is his old ass decides to come out of retirement (after saying this earlier in the show “I’m for real retired. Not like Nicholas Cage retired”) so he can rekindle flames with ex bae that he left stranded in Bali. AAAAAAAAND Phylicia Rashad is his manager/handler in a bomb ass crisp white suit (she must have asked for a Diane Keaton contract).

Now onto the list: Un (I took sixteen years of French and got a degree in it so I might as well put that 60,000 education to use and count in French). The opening monologue is flames as fuck. Picture it as old ass JCVD standing in his quintessential black bullet proof vest with a lovely soft piano playing in the background talking about how great he, JCVD, was and is. And then he hits you with this: “but this is not a movie. That man is not an actor, he’s trying to kill me. but I am not worried because I have a gift. I am the master of the splits. Or at least I used to be. Fuck.” Then you realize this is not The Expendables where you’re aged but familiar action star kicks ass and takes names whilst reminding you ‘he’s too old for this shit.’ He might actually be too old for this shit and that is what pulls you in. Deux Shady, shady, s…