Game of Thrones Recap: Eastwatch

Season: 7 / Episode: 5 / HBO

***Spoilers done developed particle beaming technology and can get from Dragonstone to King’s Landing and back instantly***

Maaaaaaan, listen. After that corny-ass Dragon’s Lair save from last week, Bronn and Jaime wash up 1) seemingly far enough down stream where they aren’t captured by Daenerys and 2) without nary a sun tan between the two of them…aiight. Bronn is like, muthafucka did you not see that mythical creature spitting Kendrick bars from the sky? The fuck were you thinking? Jaime was trying to end the war and / or never have to see his sister again. Bronn simultaneously tells him that Jaime can’t be going and getting himself killed until he pays what he owes, but also that his experience of fighting dragons was one of one. Who trying to go fight for anybody, let alone on some mercenary shit, when you just witnessed one of the original Firebenders. And there’s two more, fam? Sheeeeeeiiiiiiit. Ain’t no castle and lordship worth me Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan in the afterlife.


Tyrion walking the battlefield thinking this Hand of the King thing was a lot more fun when he was just up in a castle making plans and shit. Your boy walking past his own countrymen burnt to a fuckin’ crisp like they lived in a town below a volcano or some shit. Just human charcoal briquettes everywhere, yo. Dothraki looting these muthafuckas and leading every dude that ain’t currently or past tense on fire to mount Drogon. Daenerys gonna roll up to the pulpit like Drogon’s roar was her intro music. Fam, look. If I was a Targaryan boxer, my walk up music wouldn’t be nothing but looped Dragon roars with some dragon fire punctuating the beat. Das it.


Daenerys tells the Lannister / Tarley armies that Cersei out here lying, putting her name in the street like she just want to destroy their lives. She like nah, I ain’t trying to fuck you over fam. I’m trying to rebuild the world for the better. So, lets celebrate me being a better ruler than Cersei by giving you the choice of joining me or dying a horrible death right here on the spot. See, ain’t that much better? I love how she told muthafuckas to kneel and only like 15% bent the knee, so Drogon came in like, “FEALTY MUTHAFUCKA, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!?!”

Of course, since Stannis is dead, Randyll Tarly is Westeros’ resident unbendable, “rules are fucking rules” head of a great house still standing. Dude ain’t bending his knee for shit. Well, not for…foreigners. Lord Tarly sound like he was out here collecting votes to pass Brexit man. Daenerys is like, ok, fuck it, if he dies, he dies.

[quote_simple]Tyrion: Well, he could take the Black. Send him to the Wall.
[quote_simple]Tarly: She ain’t my queen, fuck the Black.[/quote_simple]

[quote_simple]Daenerys: [/quote_simple]


Dothraki start to snatch up Tarly and Dickon, who can’t bare to live with this name anymore, says they gotta kill him too if they take his pops. Tyrion is like, ok, Houses are just dropping like flies man, can we not, b? Nah, Dickon out here flexing the honor. Welp. Sam The Slayer better hope he was in that will somewhere. Tyrion tries to change Daenerys mind but yo, she did give these cats a very clear choice. Not like, they can say they misunderstood or some shit. He like, you can’t be beheading whole houses out here Queen. She like, bruh, do you see me with an axe? I got a fuckin’ dragon. Ain’t nobody said shit about beheading. She sentenced the Tarly lineage to death and turned them dudes into their own candlelight vigils.

Jaime back in King’s Landing (already, lol) and roll up to Cersei’s chambers like, fam, things are as bad as they’ve ever been. She like, nah, its cool, we’ll buy more soldiers. Jaime like, nah, NAH. What we not bout to do is act like the Dothraki wasn’t out there putting fucking numbers on the board fam. We not bout to act like the Dothraki weren’t out here treating this shit like Harlem Globetrotters, fucking doing dribble drills and passing weapons off each other’s backs while just slaughtering our people. The Horror Cersei. The Horror. The muthafuckas gonna merk any army we throw in front of them. Shit was fucking brutal.

B-B-B-B-But wait, it gets worse. I AIN’T EVEN GOT TO THE FUCKIN’ DRAGON YET, FAM.

Jaime for real shook cuz dude done seen some shit. He like, yo, that scorpion? Was like a splinter to that big winged fire droppin’ bastard. We. Can’t. Win. Cersei is like, yo, you killed her pops and I sit on the throne, I don’t think she about that peace, fam. Then Jaime tries to tell Cersei that Lady Olenna gave up the ghost and the murder inc to Jaime before she died. She told him that it was her that murdered Joffrey and not Tyrion. Cersei was basically like, yeah, that’s fake news. Cersei ain’t trying to hear these alternative facts man. Cersei the type to claim the confederacy is about southern pride and nothing to do with slavery. Sorry, that’s even too far a stretch for a fantasy epic like Thrones. People don’t actually believe that shit…

King Pomade Jesus up on the cliff edge at Dragonstone playing air traffic control and clearing Daenerys and Drogon for landing. They drop-in and Jon “I mean, everyday is a good day to die I guess” Snow gonna decide to pet the most terrifying creature the world knows. Drogon start sniffing this muthafucka out and lets Snow touch him cuz he done smelled that Targaryan on him.

Real recognize Real Pomade Jesus and you lookin’ mad familiar!

After not devouring Jon’s whole left side, Drogon drops Dany off, hits her with that Uber fee, then dips out. Dany is like they are beautiful aren’t they. Jon is like…


Dany and Jon walking the hill when Dany is like, yeah, so, about that whole “Took a knife to the heart for you people” bit…but before King Pomade Zombie Jesus can tell her about this re-animation jutsu, that shit get interrupted by Ser Jorah the Lesser Mormont. Stalker Warden of the East. Plead down to lesser charges, of his name. Daenerys is really happy to see him. Like…weirdly, happy. But I realize that while Daenerys been getting her full “can’t nobody tell me shit” reign on, Jorah is probably the only dude that will never ever question what she says, so I guess its nice to have one of those muthafuckas around.

Man, Jorah gotta be tired of people telling him, how great a man his father was. The father that fucking disowned him. Jon telling him how great his father is while rocking the valerian sword on his belt that was meant for him. Shit stay awkward in Westeros man.

Oh shit, Bran not being fucking useless sighting. Warg in the sheets is controlling a whole group of ravens (an unkindness, if you will) out from Winterfell, beyond the Wall and into some Planet Earth BBC footage. They finally come over the hill and see a massive army of White Nationalists Walkers carrying Tiki torches weapons with the singular goal of destroying the lives of everyone that isn’t like them. Warg Ravens out here getting the lay of the land, seeing the size of this army when finally Ice King Magneto look up and make them muthafuckas scatter. So, we gonna learn what this connection is fam? Why can Ice King Magneto see the truth like he performed human transmutation or some shit? Why he got Bran shook every time he look at him through the portal and shit. Bran act like he Debo. I be quiet when he around, but when he leave, I be warging again.


At the Citadel, the maesters unrolling the papers sent from up north. Bran trying to tell these cats the Long Night is coming but they ain’t trying to hear it. Sam overhear them talking about a cripple and he’s like, but yo, that’s my mans and dem. He like, check it, if Bran can survive beyond the wall for years, we should listen to him. Which sounds really good and reasonable logic if you don’t know how many muthafuckas Bran got killed on that little tour of the tundra. Bran done left more people behind than George W. education plans. Maesters are grumbling and shit but Sam finally steps up like, nah, y’all got a responsibility. If you build it, they will come, yo. Tell these folks the threat is real and we can be prepared.

Archmaester is like, yeah. That makes sense. Probably something we should do. Yeah, but its probably a trick by Daenerys, so lets drag our feet on this shit. Sam shocked and I’m right there with him. You know dragons massacred the combined might of two powerful armies, but you think Daenerys need some trickery to conquer southern lands? I THOUGHT Y’ALL WERE THE WISE ONES WHAT THE FUCK MAN.

Tyrion out here getting drunk trying to forget he watched the Tarly house become someone’s backyard fire pit on HGTV. Varys is like, yeah, you know you girl crazy af, right? I seen pops do the same shit. Them Targaryans love cookouts at non-social gatherings, yo.

That raven came for King Pomade Zombie Jesus giving him ALL the information. Arya is alive. Bran is alive. Its still fucking cold in Winterfell. Usual shit. Jon don’t really give a fuck about that though, he’s like, yo, these undead muthafuckas marching on towards Eastwatch so I’m about to do that bid up north. Daenerys won’t leave to help cuz she think Cersei just gonna snatch up her land once she leaves.

THEN THESE CATS COME UP WITH A PLAN TO BRING A NOT COMPLETELY KILLED WHITE WALKER FROM BEYOND THE WALL ALL THE WAY DOWN TO KINGS LANDING. Wight, what? That’s like transporting a thing that most definitely wants to kill you from Montreal to Brazil. And its not like White Walkers be traveling solo. So, you gotta go up against these muthafuckas, snatch one of them, taking them on a cross country trip like fuckin’ Mad Max Fury Road and drag that thing into a house where the owner WANTS TO MURDER YOU ON SIGHT?!?! This plan is fucking terrible which makes sense because it came from Tyrion and Jon. Two muthafuckas with a long lineage of terrible fucking ideas.


Ser Jorahn volunteers to bring one back, but they know the Free Folk ain’t following this descendant of a Lord Commander bastard. So Jon is like, wait, suicide mission? The fuck was I taking so long, I’ll do it. I swear Jon sign up for the fade like he got a standing appointment and his favorite chair and shit. But yo, why Dany MAD emotional right now.


All her menfolk are fucking leaving and she can’t do shit about it. She like, I didn’t give you permission to leave and Jon is like, yeah, if Death can’t keep me down, then your white hair rockin’ ass can’t.

Man, can we just get a loop of Arya walking into darkened hallways with a swagger that says “I could murder every muthfucka in this room and sleep like a fuckin’ baby tonight.” She watching the Northern Lords talking shit on Jon, talking about she should be leading them instead of him. Sansa is like Thank you, thank you, you’re far too kind. Oh, you should’ve have. Oh, are those roses for me. Oh, gifts? You’ve brought me gifts? You’re too kind [whispers] but Jon is still King. Arya is FED UP. Sansa is like, oh, this is so hard, they want me to rule. And Arya is like, bish, you tried it. They out here talking shit on Jon and you accepting bouquets and shit. You out here acting like you keeping the peace for Jon’s sake but you all up in Mom and Dad’s old room, getting comfortable as all hell.

Davos and Tyrion land on the shores of King’s Landing…so…ok…

Aiight, let me address this FTL (Faster Than Light if you still getting your sci-fi verbiage up) travel technology that Thrones has unlocked now so I don’t have to talk about this shit another three times at 1K words a pop for the next three times it shows up. Shit is weak yo. Point blank period. The map of Westeros and Essos is a fuckin’ character on the show man. Daeneryrs wasn’t considered a threat because she was young and also on the other side of the world. Great houses are separated by great distances and therefore, it’s a big deal for armies marching between them. Davos traveled from Dragonstone to King’s Landing, back to Dragonstone, then up to Eastwatch tower on the wall IN THE SAME EPISODE. So, what is that, take the M60 to 125th, then take the 1 train to 42nd, transfer to the N and get off at Atlantic? Was Dragonstone Brooklyn this whole time? FOH. It matters, mostly because if travel is this compressed, then what the fuck have the white walkers been doing since the Hardhome episode two seasons ago? Having a spades tournament? North of the Wall Comic Con? Did Ice King Magneto leave the stove on at home, and had to go back? The fuck are we even talkin’ about man? The one army that doesn’t have to stop to eat or sleep, doesn’t have to rest and doesn’t have a significant body of water to cross is moving at the speed of dial-up? Come on man. What is this, the M-Brain, Westeros theory where The Long Night is a flat circle? ARE WE ALL ON THREE EYED RAVEN TIME? This is the same show that literally spent half a season taking Ramsey Bolton and Theon through the woods to literally go in a circle. Anyways, yes, obviously they are cramming a lot of shit into these last episodes but that’s a reason, not an absolvent. They out here trying to give us the Game of Thrones for Dummies man, we didn’t invest six previous seasons for that. Somebody change your clothes or get or haircut to show the time passage or something. Somebody grow out a fuckin’ beard so I know it’s real.


So Davos and Tyrion land on the shores of King’s Landing and Tyrion is trying to find a way to talk to Jaime. Davos got business in Flea Bottom. Bronn and Jaime down in the catacombs so that Bronn can teach him the way of the backup sword hand without him embarrassing the fuck out himself. Yeah, but no, actually, he was just leading Jaime to see Tyrion. Jaime look big mad right now. Like he got over to his mom’s for dinner, but she didn’t tell him that she was too tired to make mac and cheese, but he had been looking forward to that shit all day.

Tyrion trying to explain himself and also give Jaime compliments for outmaneuvering him, but Jaime don’t really give a fuck about that right now. He knows Cersei not about to bend the knee, but he trying to request their armies to fight these dead muthafuckas trying to vacation south this year.

Up in Flea Bottom, right where we first found him, is Gendry. This dude could’ve rowed anywhere in the world, but he came back to the most dangerous place for a Barantheon bastard. Probably not many places better when he was rowing though, tbh. It should also be stated that in addition to his 4th Hokage teleporation techinique, Davos also had some of the illest bars this episode.

Nothing fucks you better than time.

Davos just out here dropping gold in the streets fam. He tells Gendry that bad shit is coming and that he should come with––

Nevermind. This muthafucka Gendry got his go-bag and is fucking ready. Where we going? Don’t fuckin’ matter. It ain’t here with the Lannisters so I call shotgun no matter where the GPS set for. Fuck the dumb shit. Davos tells him to grab a sword, but Gendry bumping that Kendrick like, Sigil of the Stag in my DNA. Warhammer, in my DNA. Sheeeeeiiiittt. Might have been one of the hardest callbacks this season.


They try to leave by the boat and Davos gotta bribe these guards to let them bounce. Shit was all good till Tyrion come through cuz not a whole lot of dwarves with scars across their face out here that haven’t killed the former hand of the king. Davos tries throw some more money at them dudes, but Gendry is like fuck that, let me drop the hammer on these dudes one time. Basically, so that when he start killing white walkers next episode, we don’t ask where the fuck that came from.

Jaime comes to tell Cersei about this proposed truce. Shit was hilarious when Jaime told Cersei that he met with Tyrion and she hit the Mannequin challenge. Like, either she was shocked silent or was undergoing a series of small, undetectable strokes. Cerse is like, fine, whatever this just might be some shit that helps us beat her anyway. Then she just gonna drop some, “and I’m also with child.”

So listen, there’s like, a 38% chance that Cersei is actually pregnant fam. Cersei is a terrible fucking person but also a terribly conniving person, so we really think that she don’t sense Jaime slipping away from her? If she is pregnant, then Cersei, the Queen of the seven five two and a half kingdoms facing open rebellion and trying to have another (cursed to die) child must have really been salty about Serena Williams winning matches and getting on magazine covers and shit.

So when is Jaime gonna fuckin’ snap man? Dude has been manipulated by three different people in consecutive scenes. I think everyone assumes that one of the Lannister double mint incest twins will be responsible for the other’s death, but Jaime gotta be reaching his limit. Dude is being led around by the fuckin’ nose man and Cersei is the one yanking that leash more than most.

[quote_simple]Davos: Ok, your name is Clovis. Don’t be talkin’ none of that King Roberts Bastard shit.

Gendry: Agreed.

Davos: You got it?

Gendry: Absolutely.[/quote_simple]

[meets Jon]

[quote_simple]Gendry: My name is Gendry, and I’m the best. All the blacksmiths want, to feel my breast (plate). Hiccup Hiccup Hiccup hic hic[/quote_simple]

Also, more Davos bars:

Nobody mind me. All I’ve ever done is live to a ripe old age.

The crew about to push off and everybody saying their goodbyes. Including this creepy ass Jorah / Dany shit. Naw man, this shit is “I don’t like staying at Uncle Jorah’s house” creepy. Jon says his goodbye to Dany on that straight up, YOU GONNA MISS ME WHEN I’M GOOOOONNNNNEEEEE.

Part me of can’t blame Sam a ton for this scene, yo, Gilly really did drop the most important piece of information sandwiched between how many fucking steps and windows are in the sept. I might have tuned out too. That being said, Gilly telling Sam that Rhaegar had an annulment and married another woman [Lyanna Stark] just for him to ignore her and go on his little tantrum gotta be the most realistic “woman in an academic setting” reenactment ever. Women be getting Gilly-ed ayeday fam. I’m sure that shit hit way too close to home for some. Not to mention that Sam was so disgusted with the citadel that he legit just dropped out of grad school on the spot cuz he didn’t like his professors.


But, lets not skip what we just learned. Jon ain’t a bastard yo. That boy is legit Targaryan/Stark. And since Targayan’s been on that patriarchal BS for their entire history, I’m guessing custom dictates that Jon is the oldest male Targaryan and…rightful…heir…to the…

…you know what, let me just finish this shit. I can’t even go there right now.

Arya snooping around cuz of course she don’t trust Little Restraining Order. Dude creeping around, whispering in folks ears, keep a bag of dum dum suckers in pockets and shit. He finally gets that note he been seeking and hides it in his room. Arya’s Skyrim lockpicking skill is at like 80, so she make it easy. She turn on that Assassin’s creed Eagle vision and find the note hidden in the room. Yeah…this is that bird that Sansa wrote back in season one claiming that her pops tried to steal the Iron Throne from Joffrey and that Rob needed to come swear fealty.


Yeah, since the North ain’t Trumps America, then a scandal like that could actually hurt Sansa. Of course, I had to rewind and pause that shit cuz HBO only gave you like 1.8 seconds to read that shit. I’m over here like…


Arya leaves the room and LRO is watching from the shadows (CUZ THAT’S WHAT HE FUCKING DOES). Creepy is as creepy does. So, look one of two things is happening here. Either LRO was making a power play with the note and Arya found it, but LRO knows she’s on to him. Or he knows they got tension and Arya was supposed to find the note as that’s supposed to cause more strife between. Hopefully its option number three and it don’t fuckin’ matter cuz Arya playing the long game and gonna flip this shit to her advantage anyway.

These dudes up at Eastwatch (lol, of course they are, its only like two stops on the express, right?). Tormund is like, yo, this is the dumbest fucking plan. And I was at Hardhome, yo. He asking why they doing this shit and who they need to convince. Then he asks his real question:

Did you bring the big woman?

Tormund gonna die on this hill man. All he want to do is love on Brienne fam. Like, all he wants to do is kill his enemies and get senpai to notice him. That’s it. Well, they ain’t got the numbers, but lucky for them, some other muthfuckas just happened to be walking by the wall.

Brotherhood without Banners back up in this piece for the 17, ya heard. These dudes chillin’ in the cell and everybody getting real familiar. Gendry like, nah fam, them dudes sold me to a witch. Brotherhood is like, but why you bringing up old shit doe? Gendry don’t want them to ride with them, but Jon dropped the truest shit yet:

We’re all on the same side. We’re still breathing.

Maaaaaaaaaan, fuckin’ Destiny Raid Squad +1 heading out into the gotdamn blizzard ready to do work and I’m here for that shit.


I think they rollin’ with about 4 Titans, 2 Hunters and the Red Priest has to be the Warlock of the crew. There’s always one.


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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

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