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Season: 5 / Episode: 3 / HBO

Spoilers be relieving themselves into the bay before getting kidnapped…

Yes, yes, y’all, here we go back up in these Thrones and we start off with Arya sweeping what looks like the dirtiest stone floor on the continent, fam. The inside of the House of Black and White look like the they took every creepy-ass statue from ancient Rome and put it in one room. I don’t know what Not-Jaqen is serving up to this dude by the spa, but I think it’s safe to say SOMETHING is in the water. I personally ain’t never said “All Men Must Serve” before taking some straight up tap water from a dude that could change his face before, so I think it’s safe to say this ain’t no regular shit. Arya fed up with sweeping floors and tells Not-Jaqen this isn’t what she had in mind as an apprentice, but Not-Jaqen tells her she gotta put in the work first and at least he ain’t teaching you no wax-off, wax-on bullshit.

In Miserable Landing, it isn’t miserable for everyone, depending upon who you are. Cersei hearing “Queen Margaery” getting blasted in these streets and she’s like damn, just like the old gypsy woman said.

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And then Tommen and Margaery made that shit official before gods and men. But you know how Thrones works — when cats are this young, even if you’re king and get married, nothing is official until it’s consummated. And Tommen is like, what, 14 or some shit? Plenty of time between the vows and the deed for something to happen where Margaery isn’t quite Queen yet, right?

MY BAD. Turns out Tommen is, ahem, ahead of the game a bit. He did what Renly and his older brother Joffrey failed to do, which is make it past the marriage ceremony with Margery AND get into bed with her without assistance from a male companion. This is the part where I tell you two things worth noting:

Even if the ages are still pushed up further in the TV show than they are in the book, King Tommen is still the boy king, which means that Margery is still fucking a minor, yo. How the hell do you yell, “I need an adult,” when all the adults answer to you? And as crazy as that shit is, considering that this show exists in a universe where Littlefinger lusts after his underage niece by marriage who is the daughter of the woman whose virginity he took back in the day, and Melisandre will bed any attractive young cat who’s had his testicles descend, and ya know, INCEST, then this is actually the most normalized of all those. Welp.

And second, okay, so his mom is Cersei Lannister and he is born of incest, but once you put that shit in the rear-view mirror, who’s got it better than Tommen? NOBODY. Dude watched his not-father and psychopath older brother die in a short time span, then ascended to be king and got Margaery I look even better as Natalie Dormer, how is that even possible Tyrell as his bride? Good Lord, man. Also, King Tommen is probably way too real for every dude that lost his virginity at a young age cause he’s like, WHY HAVEN’T I BEEN DOING THIS SEX THING MY WHOLE LIFE WHEN CAN WE GO AGAIN???

But everything has a cost, and before Queen Margaery has even came down from the afterglow she’s already plotting on getting Cersei all the way the fuck up out of King’s Landing.

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King Tommen is on a walk with Cersei — the ghost of Queen’s past — and he keeps telling her how lovely Casterly Rock is this time of year, even though he’s never been. Of course Cersei is like, why the fuck you keep bringing up Casterly Rock, homie?

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Cersei sees the jig coming and is like, damn, they plotting on my downfall already. Let me go see this heifer! Cersei walks in on the new Queen while she tellin’ her girls about how King Tommen’s body produced Viagra on its own. Come on y’all, I know gender stereotyping is alive and well, and there probably ain’t an adolescent boy that’s attracted to women still breathing that wouldn’t “indulge” himself in some Margaery, but let’s not act like this shit ain’t getting creepy yo. Let’s not pretend that if the ages were reversed, we would feel differently about the current royal fuckathon going right now.

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You gotta admire the efficiency with¬†which Margaery throws shade at Cersei in this short ass scene though. Here’s the three subtweets she drops in quick succession:

“I wish we had some wine for you, it’s a bit early in the day for us.”

Translation: The sun is barely up, but I’m surprised your drunk ass could walk this far. I ain’t worried about throwing this cap-level shade at you because chances are you won’t even remember this shit.

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“Ecstatic, I really am. Exhausted, to be honest. But what could I expect. He is half lion, half stag.”

Translation: I know you have made it a habit of laying down with your family members, but I’m gonna assume that even your son is a bridge too far, so hi, my name is Margaery Tyrell. I’m the woman that’s going to be fucking your son and manipulating him for the rest of your existence, much in the way you’ve done with the golden-haired boys you laid down with. Pleasure to meet you.

“What’s the proper way to address you now? Queen-Mother or dowry queen?”

Translation: Now get your old ass off my block.

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Now why you wanna give Cersei motivation to do some shit, I have no idea.

Now to the North that used to be a symbol of strength and will and honor and now is just fuckboy shit 24/7. Ramsay is still flaying muthafuckas alive and that shit not even making the chicken in his mouth taste funny. Roose is trying to plot out how they will hold the North for the long run and his idea is to marry Ramsay off to someone that will help him do that.

Insert Scene with Sansa Stark and Punk Ass Littlefinger. Maaaaaaan, listen… this shit is more underhanded than anything Littlefinger and/or Mayor Carcetti has ever done, man. How the fuck you gonna convince Sansa to marry the son of the dude that engineered the wiping out of her family? That’s like having one of the men from the Tuskegee Experiments be your ancestor and choosing to go the Tuskegee Institute for your cancer screenings.

Brienne and Pod are watching this logic that seems about as clear as the muddy shithole that surrounds Moat Cailin. Brienne agrees to stop treating Pod like shit and make him the Dick Grayson to her Dark Knight. Then we get both of their origin stories, but most importantly we find out why Brienne fell in love with Renly. And yes, Brienne knew that Renly liked the company of men. It’s about the kindness, you simpletons. Oh and then she swore that she’s gonna avenge him and kill Stannis.

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At The Wall, Stannis tries one mo’ ‘gin to get Jon be the Lord of Winterfell, but Jon is like, yeah, I’d love that but… these cold ass dirt-floored hallways ain’t gonna roam themselves. Stannis plans to march on Winterfell eventually, but gives Jon some parting advice on what he should do about the adversaries in his midst:

[quote_simple]Jon: I hear you should always keep your enemies close.[/quote_simple]

[quote_simple]Stannis: I need you to stop listening to muthafuckas that were killed by their enemies. [/quote_simple]

Back in the House of Black and White, Arya just chillin on the stone bed, trying to catch up on her summer reading and shit, when “the help” walks in and starts interrogating her. When Arya tells her she don’t even know who ate the last of the bread at dinner, this girl takes out a switch and starts going to work on our girl. She asks Arya again, and Arya, like, Oh, Oh Word, you wanna know who the fuck I am Bowl Cut, you better pull out my wallet.

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Not-Jaqen walks in before Arya can pull out Needle and make a quilt out of Bowl Cut. Then Not-Jaqen checks Arya like, you look way to Stark to be acting like you nobody in these Braavosi streets. That leads to Arya getting rid of all her possessions. Well… almost all of them.

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Psych your faceless mind Not-Jaqen. My bastard brother gave me that chain. You know how hard it is to find good Valyrian around these parts?

Back at Moat Cailin, Roose Bolton greets Sansa like he didn’t literally put a knife in her brother’s chest.

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The only saving grace is that some blue hairs in the tower try to make Sansa comfortable by saying “The North Remembers.” Of course since that woman ain’t picking up any swords to avenge her family name any time soon, I’m surprised Sansa didn’t respond with, “yeah, I bet you do remember, your ass old enough to remember when Jesus was Warden of the North, protector of the Realm, first of his name.”

At the Wall, John is finally holding court as the Lord Commander. Shit starts off pretty well, your boy Jon working on his stand-up routine. Then he makes his biggest enemy at the wall, Ser Alliser, the first Ranger, because Jon is just a man with a black cloak trying to do the right thing in these frozen north streets. Then he sends Janos Sylnt to Greyguard, and well… that’s where the story takes a turn.

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Janos wants to get all Brody about this shit and pushback against Jon like he got a choice in the manner. Jon is like, so, just so we’re clear… are you telling me no? Janos tells him to shove his order up his bastard ass. Then this happened.

[quote_simple]”Take Lord Janos outside. Ollie, bring me my sword.”[/quote_simple]

HARDEST SHIT EVER SPOKEN BY JON I COULD’VE BEEN A STARK BUT I CHOSE TO EXECUTE YOU INSTEAD SNOW. Everybody is like, is this shit really happening? Lord Allisar steps aside and looks at Janos like….

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“Janos, my brother I hate it had to be yoooouuuu, but since it could’ve been me, not realyyyyyyyyyyy”

[divider type=”space_thin”]
Janos out here pleading for his life, snitching on folks in King’s Landing, trying to wire funds to Jon’s account, all that shit to keep Jon from giving him the high and tight. Jon stops when Janos yells mercy and that MIGHT have spared him. But when Janos dropped that, “I’m afraid, I’ve always been afraid,” that probably pissed John off more than the original insult.

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So, you know, he had to give him that O-Ren Ishii cut.

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Jon looks up at Stannis and Stannis is like,

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Word.

I probably can’t keep calling it Miserable Landing cuz some muthafucaks are having a real good time. The High Septon up in the brothel making the eight when Lancel and Sparrows (hell of a band name) runs up on him and makes him walk buck naked through the streets as punishment. The High Septon comes up in the small council to file a formal complaint. Cersei meets with the High Sparrow, but not before walking through Flea Bottom with the poorest folks on the planet.

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Cersei talks to your boy and decides to give him a promotion. Mostly because she has found a way for using these cats.

Oh, and in case you thought it went away, your boy Qyburn is still creating zombies in the basement. You know, in case you thought you might sleep tonight.

At Moat Cailin, Ramsey is doing the best acting of his life, you know, by pretending to not be the devil. Roose and Littlefinger start talking politics, which is like pythons talking about how beautiful the other animals are. In other words, they don’t really fucking care, they’re going to strangle them anyway.

Across the Narrow Sea, Tyrion has fucking had it being inside the caravan. I’m all for some good Varys and Tyrion dialogue, but this shit starting to feel like Phone Booth and I… I just can’t go through that again. They out here walking the streets among slaves and brown folks. Well, I guess they’re one in the same in the Thrones world. They finally come upon Yukio from Wolverine as she’s become a Red Priestess. She gets done giving her sermon, then looks at Tyrion like, “Damn, I just saw how you die, bruh. Hate it had to be you. Lord of Light protect you.”

That shit fucks with Tyrion, so he needs his comfort food. You know, a brothel. They up in there enjoying some good wine and watching all the prostitutes show off the cosplay outfits they made themselves. While Tyrion trying to get back in the proverbial saddle, who other than Jorah Mormont, formerly of the Daenerys’ Queen’s Guard who got kicked out for doing a horrible Black Widow impression. Dude sitting in the corner plotting.

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Tyrion needs works on his game because he can’t impress this woman without dropping Lannister memes and easter eggs. She getting all this unvolunteered info and she didn’t even have to wait for the credits to roll. Tyrion can’t make himself go through it as visions of Shae bounce through his head. He goes to the bathroom, which is actually “The Eastern Bay” alone, but that’s not how he comes out. Jorah comes up in there and scoops your boy like Drop Squad and tells him he’s taking him to the Queen.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

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