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Season: 5 / Episode: 5 / HBO

DAAAAAAAMMMMMNN, yo. Is there any chill to be had in fucking Meereen, fam? Is there one? Can I see ounce of windchill? Grey Worm up in the infirmary with a bandage around his torso keeping his guts on the inside, while Missandei by his bedside, letting them tears fall. Come on yo, I know we lightweight grieving here, but even Missandei’s tears are fine, yo. She looking over her bae like, “please, please, don’t die. There’s like 4 black folk on this show with speaking parts. You cannot leave me with all these white folks alone.”

…and that’s the happy side of that coin. Daenerys is crying over Ser Barristan Selmy too, but that’s because Ser Barristan Selmy, one of the best to ever do it, The Medicare Sword in the Dark, is dead as a muthafucka, yo. I’m making jokes, but it’s really to keep from crying because Ser Barristan the Bold was that dude. I’ll always remember the way he threw his sword at Joffrey’s feet and said fuck yo couch on his way out of King’s Landing. Hizdahr comes to pay his respects but Dany is like, yeah, let me stop you right there playa. Ain’t nobody trying to hear that shit today.

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Daario hops on the track talking about how they’re gonna hunt down the Sons of the Harpy block by block like he Beanie Siegel or some shit. I’d respect that shit a lot more if this bastard wasn’t probably naked up under Dany or some tavern woman when Grey Worm and Ser Barristan were giving out the time and a half to these Harpy fucks. Dany says to round up the leaders of the great families and Hizdahr is like, but uh, funny thing, maybe you weren’t aware, it’s cool, you got a lot to keep track of, but I’m the leader of my family.

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Dany is FED UP. She takes the 1% down to the crypt and tells them that she’s tired of their shit. Dany walking around like she used have fucks to give, but she fed them to the dragons last time she was down here, so right now, she fresh out. She hit these dudes with the crazy bar:

They will eat you. If I tell them too. They may still eat you, even if I don’t.

Sheeeeeyet. Now if you’re like, yo, I’ve seen enough TV, this is a great scare tactic, she ain’t really about to give these dudes bodies to the Earth like that… Well, tell that to dude that got made into a family meal by Rhaegal and Viserion. That shit was like when you go to the Japanese Steakhouse and they cook that shit from raw to a well-prepared meal right in front of you while you sitting at your table enjoy some red wine.

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So, I hope y’all cats like the North. Cuz… we gonna be there for a while…

Sam is reading that thinkprogress.com site to Maester Aemon about Daenerys ruling in Meereen. Come on fam, liberating the slaves, strong woman leader, you know that’s a liberal publication if it’s giving her praise. Aemon is like, yeah, you gotdamn right Sam, she come from good stock. Targaryans used run this on some whatever-the-fire-touches type shit. Jon comes in to seek the council of oldest man alive. Jon says his decision will divide the men and Aemon is like, these muthafuckas can’t stand you now, bruh. Have you seen your exit polls? You lookin’ at Ann Coulter at Summer Jam numbers, b. Jon tries to explain his plan but Aemon ain’t got much time for this handwringing shit and hit Jon with “Kill the Boy!”

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Jon goes and talks to Tormund Giantsbane cuz he been in the prison rotting in a cell all this time. Jon makes a bargain with him for Tormund to go North and recruit the last survivors north of the wall for the oncoming war. Tormund finally agrees, but is like, yo, you coming with me, you ain’t sending me to my death, bruh.

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Jon tries to sell the plan to the brothers and they all like… NAAAAAAAAHHHH, B. This is really just great because I’m not sure why Stannis is still there, let alone attending Night’s Watch meetings. Someone tell him they were serving dessert or some shit? Stannis like, man this shit mad boring, but I was told there’d be pizza, so… Naw man, you can’t be the presumptive one true king and just drop in on staff meetings like you don’t have a realm to rule. Instead he out here red-marking folks’ grammar.

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Podrick and Brienne still up north, on the super long distance stakeout. Podrick carrying the gear looking like a damn bobble head. Pod think she’s okay being this far away from the Lannisters and Brienne is like, yeah, that wasn’t the Lannisters that made Rob into a pin cushion and cut a damn smile through Catelyn Stark’s neck.

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Brienne strikes up a conversation with the help cuz dude look like he’s seen some things. She tells him to get a message to Sansa because we all know that the North Remembers.

At the castle, Ramsay is still sowing his royal oats while naked Myranda — I think, maybe, I had to look up her name and IMDB has screwed me before — Lady of the Kennel is naked and somber by the window. This might be a good time to mention that Winter is really coming, that shit is here and I don’t know how great the sex got to be to take your naked ass to the window, in the North no less, and pout while everyone is walking around in triple fat goose gear. She pissed that Sansa is now betrothed to her lover and he’s like, yeah, heifer, what you think was gonna happen? I guess you don’t want me to talk about how she’s prettier than you. Or more important than you. Or how you’ll probably die alone. Which might be like in 6 months. I’m just as liable to push you from this window as I am to take you back into bed. But hey, you’re HERE so at least you’ve got that going for you.

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Sansa sitting up in her room with the straight up Raven collection from the catalog of Poe. The shoulder pads on that joint look like she could fly away at any moment. One of these old Nan types come and tell her that if she’s ever in trouble, she just needs to honk the horn long, short, long, short and someone will come get her. I mean, I have no idea what these old ass women gonna do, but whatever.

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Outside Sansa runs into Myranda who’s feeling real froggy since Ramsay dropped the “now I’m hot and they all want me” verse on her. She shows Sansa the kennels, which sounds like a big ass setup that could’ve resulted in the Lady Sansa in being puppy chow, but she finds the fuckboy formerly known as Theon there instead.

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At the dinner, Ramsay sitting with the knowledge that Sansa saw Theon and she’s beginning to get an idea of how fucked up he is. He plays that shit off like he punished Theon for killing the Stark boys, and I guess Sansa doesn’t know different, but she still looking at Ramsay, this bastard she supposed to marry, like:

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Of course, because Ramsay is showing his natural ass, Roose decides to put him on notice by telling everyone that he’s having another kid… a boy, he’s certain.

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Ramsay looking at his old man like “I could choke your old ass out right now.” Of course Sansa looks at him like

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Ramsay starts trying to body-shame his step mom, bitter ’bout the pregnancy news, but Roose is like, so check it, your mother married this dude, I didn’t like that shit, so I hung him, raped her, then a year later, she come to me talking about child support and I almost through that kid in the river till I realized it looked like me. Cool story, huh? Then Roose lets him know that Stannis is marching on the North and he needs his not-a-bastard-anymore son to help him defend it.

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Stannis is at The Wall just trolling everybody he comes in contact with. He tells Sam that his father is a great soldier but he look like 15 pounds of shit in a 10 pound black cloak. Then he tells Davos it’s time. Davos is like, hey, someone should stay here with the queen and princess and Stannis is like, bruh, this is National Lampoons Westeros, everybody is going on this shit show. They finally bounce from The Wall and I know Jon is relieved cuz I don’t even like hosting holiday functions for more than a day or so and them muthafuckas are my family, yo.

In Meereen, there’s a couple of beautiful brown people who must have gotten lost and ended up on an HBO show together. Grey Worm finally wakes up and Missandei is there to catch him before that dude takes one conscious breath. He asks how long he’s been asleep and she’s like, uh, since Wednesday, boo. Statistically speaking, even though Grey Worm is alive, about three other black men have died from systemic oppression since he’s been sleep. Grey Worm is ashamed because he was scared when they started tooling him up. Not because he’s scared of death, but because he thought he may never get to run his fingers through Missandei’s glorious hair.

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But for real, why Grey Worm got ALL the game? This dude still on sophmore Valyrian and he ain’t even hit midterms yet, and he still spittin’ that shit? It ain’t really a fair fight out here for us mortals that don’t know how to talk to the Missandei’s of the world.

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After giving her boo that sugar, Missandei goes to see the queen. She convinces her that she might entertain more leniency with the 1% bastards. Daenerys goes to the dungeons and digs up Hizdahr who was talking that Valar Morghulis shit earlier, but now he’s on some I’m-too-rich-to-die shit. Dany tells him that she’s changed her mind on everything. She’s going to release all these “job creators,” reopen the fighting pits for free men and that she’ll marry a young lord to solidify the new beginning. Then she, on Hizdahr’s behalf, proposes to herself and accepts. Look, Hizdahr is lucky cuz he got to skip A LOT of the courting process and dating ain’t everybody’s strong suit. Also, there’s no point in buying her a ring or some shit. I think once you have three dragons, you kind of become the person that’s impossible to shop for.

Tyrion and Jorah… still on a boat, yo. Tyrion still talking shit to Jorah between concussions, but not succeeding at it. Tyrion finally figures it out that they are sailing through Valyria, the fabled city where dragons were born and everything mystical stems from.

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I gotta say, technically, this is an amazing shot. The abandoned ruins of Valyria look amazing in a mythical sense, and of course this is topped off by watching Drogon fly overhead and Tyrion is like

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But yo, this is Thrones, so beauty only lasts when Emilia Clarke or Natalie Dormer pose for a photo shoot during the offseason. You know something ain’t right when a muthafucka just drop into the water like a gotdamn diving bell. It’s the Stone Men ya bastards, y’all better get hip! Apparently these dudes are like the petrified version of the sirens as they just wait for sailors to come by. Mormont is fighting them off as one pursues Tyrion and he has no choice but to tip his ass overboard.

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Tyrion finally comes to on a beach with Jorah, where Jorah THEN decides to cut his ties off. This muthafucka, man. And it gets worse, as he pulls back his sleeve to show he got all that Benjamin Grimm on his wrist. Damn, things are as bad as they’ve ever been.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

  • Show Comments

  • Ashley S.

    I. died. Love these reviews! Keep them coming.

  • jennnanigans

    These reviews are the best! They’re the best part of my week (just after watching the show). 😀

  • Jenell

    man listen! i look forward to these over the damn show! lol Gotta spread this shit like wild fire!

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