God Tier: Do You Have A Moment To Talk About Our Lord and Savior Aloy [Horizon Zero Dawn]

All Praise to the Sun God. All hail the changeling, the great blue conversion of the machine. Swordfish / Trinity hacking spear-wielding gawd. Have you heard about our Lord and Savior, Aloy? Alpha eff yo Omega. Hair kissed by fire. Moisturized with chillwater. Twisted with metalburn so that shit never come undone. Have you heard the good news? Aloy out here trying to save the tribe fam. Aloy master strider and quagmire.

I was up in the barber hut, trying to bring back that original human look. Out here doing it for the Gaia culture, nahmean. Sawtooth gonna roll up on the block, like we fuel or some shit. Your boy was lookin’ mad thirsty. Naw fam. Aloy came through like a critical strike, yo. She came through riding side saddle on the broadhead, whippin them three arrows at a time. Oh, a Ravager want to come play too? Aloy got some hardened arrows for that ass, b. Oh, was that your back mounted cannon? Fuck that. Disc Launcher supposed to mean something to me? Yo, I’m dodging your shit and they still spinning b, the discs still spinning.

Nah man, Aloy the truth, the gospel, the stained glass mosaic and the muthafuckin’ sun rays that run through it. The Bow and Arrow-tip game? Gawdly. I seent her roll out the way of a stalker, pop up and pull back on two terrablast arrows. I said she trying to cut about two of them terrablast fam, cuz that’s just what she used to. Ain’t nobody out here fuckin’ with the ghost of Legolas man! Ain’t nobody out here trying to see Lara Croft’s great great great great great great great great great great great great great granddaughter in these overgrown streets, man!

I tried to go hunting with Aloy one time man. I tried to return these machines to the earth, out here shoulder to shoulder with the deity of the quiver herself. I almost got caught yo. Corrupted Trampler tried to come for my fade yo. I’m hittin’ this cat with mad hard edge joints and he like, “nah, nah.” Blockin’that shit like I sent unsolicited nudes or some shit. Aloy yelling from the tall grass like, yo, fire arrows b? I’m like, “I ain’t got none.”

I didn’t know what was gonna kill me first, that Trampler charging at me or the disappointment in Aloy’s face. She pulled back on the bow and let the god flow with fire arrows into the machines side. And after she saved my life, she didn’t’ ask if I was ok. She didn’t check me for scars. She didn’t even teach me how to craft the hot nickels myself. She got dead up in my face like, “Boooi, you better get you some Blaze and light these muthafuckas up when you see them in the used to be streets. Rost ain’t get blown the fuck up so you could be out here shooting flaccid arrows at the corruption, my Nora. You better collect that blaze. Let that Blaze get down into the joints! YOU DON’T BLAZE YOU DON’T EAT. YOU DON’T BLAZE, YOU DON’T EAT.”

Aloy ain’t here for that soft shit, man. I seen her talking to a dude that just lost his sister, drinking his pain away and she hit him with the “that sounds tragic and all, but I need you to get your shit together cuz machines out here trying to merk you fam. Machines smell that weakness, they will turn you’re ass inside out in the tall grass, b.” Aloy trying to save civilization, she ain’t got time for these non-Nora’s out here man. Out here tracking down lost tribesman like Aragorn. Nah, fuck that, like Darryl except with some freeze arrows on the bow and if his motorocyle was charger machine. You try to ambush Aloy for her spear? You got Aloy fucked up. She walked in and out of the cauldrons fam, your village ain’t got enough ridgewood to bang with Aloy. Get your shards up, fam.

Aloy first of her name, ghost in the Nora Shell one of the best to ever do it, yo. Aloy aka Kate Bishop with a focus aka Outcast but not from ATL aka Elisabet better have my money aka Thunderjaw ain’t got shit on me is unfuckwitable, man. She put the whole Nora tribe on her back like Samurai Jack, fam. Recognize the sunset hair. Holla at Metal Bourne when you see her in the street. All Mother be praised, in Aloy’s name. Amen.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

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