How My Black Ass Would Survive Every Horror Movie

There comes that point where I am watching a scary movie (always being forced to) where the suspension of disbelief just straight up shuts down. I’m all for the classic horror movies and villains (not really) but I’m thinking shit would be a bit different with Black folk as the lead due to our experience with how we handle shit. I’m not saying we’re better survivors, I’m just… actually, yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Maybe it’s just me, but I see plot lines going way differently when facing off against some of the horror icons. I’ll take the forefront with how I would handle these certain horror villains and thriller situations. Freddy Krueger [Nightmare On Elm Street]

Let’s go with one of the biggest horror icons in the game, Freddy Kruegar. He’s got the claw hand thing going and he mostly merks folks in their dreams. Cats would usually try to stay awake in order to avoid Freddy, but when that fails they’re stuck in a nightmare where he is in control. That does seem scary, but there’s a reason Freddy’s ass kept that shit in the ‘burbs. He wouldn’t be trying to get in Omar’s dreams from The Wire. Freddy know better than that — all I’m saying is he tries going in a Black dude’s head? He getting beat down by the cops early, which would be the safer bet cause then I’d have my whole squad come out and roast him for what he’s wearing. “Look at your shoes, boy! Lookin’ like Dick Van Dyke’s hand me downs. Oh my gawd, look at his watered-down Where’s Waldo sweater doe!” Fr…