Avengers: Infinity War. WE STILL NOT OVER THAT FADE AWAY DON’T JUDGE US! I SAID DON’T JUDGE US! But imagine, if you will an ideal world. A perfect, glorious world where we could make a trade and bring back your favorite Avenger. But how, you ask? Well, since we’re living in The Worst Timeline, we’re gonna propose a trade. We give one trash ass person or several trash ass persons to Thanos and he’ll give us back one of our faves. Simple enough, right? And we’ve got plenty of folks we’re ready to toss into the abyss. We present to you, the FTA: The Fade Trade Association. BYE, MUTHAFUCKAS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
In the world of Thanos where our resources are limited and the world must come to a halt, I, Khadjiah, a delegate of the FTA would like to offer up that two-for-one deal. First, we’re giving you a brain surgeon that always sounds like he is buffering. Yes, you heard me correctly, Ben Carson.
Most folk side-eye Ben Carson as a hobby. Ben is a brain surgeon. Trump put him in charge of Public Housing. That’s literally giving a doctor a scalpel to sweep the floor. Might make a few scratches but for the most part it’s unsanitary. We can’t be having folks undermine public housing, especially when they didn’t grow up in public housing.
Therefore, Ben Carson, and a free unsanitary scalpel will also come with the world’s most annoying ride-or-die. Oh yes, KellyAnne Conway. One of many in the political realm that could catch the fade. Think about this: you on a planet spree. Snappin’ fingers, doing your step, eliminating all by yourself. Then some organism spews some non-melanated nonsense like:
“Thanos didn’t wipe out half of the population, that’s Alternative Facts”.
Now people copy it.
Random Human 1: “Alternative Facts: we don’t have extra resources, this water is just a Tupac Hologram they stuffed in a glass”.
Random Human 2: “My child didn’t fade because of Thanos. Their Milly Rock was so sturdy, they dissipated into the night air”.
All of this, you can get rid of, we’re just asking for Groot.
Teen Groot was enjoying his adolescence. Good ol video games and talking back. Groot was loyal. He wouldn’t defund public housing. He wouldn’t dress up the word “lies” into something fancy. Bring back the sassy gamer. Bring back someone who was actually willing to fight for something that affected other people. Bring back Groot.
This is an easy one: “We, the Fade Trade Association, would like to trade Kanye West for T’Challa.”
It’s not because of what He Who Also Shall Not Be Named has said recently, but because of the capacity for change which each man has or has not demonstrated. One of the aspects of T’Challa which made him so appealing was his growth during the film. Challenging his father on the Ancestral Plane, opening Wakanda to the rest of the world- those are the actions of a man who is willing to admit that he was wrong and to grow.
Kanye West has always been the same man, out for self at the expense and exclusion of others. His infamous “George Bush doesn’t like Black people” line generated tons of buzz, and was followed by exactly no amount of action, organizing or even follow-up. It was simply one self-aggrandizing statement in a line of self-aggrandizing statements. We believe that West is a genius only because he repeats it so often. In reality, he has consistently demonstrated moral and intellectual bankruptcy.
We don’t need perfect leaders. We need men and women who are willing to lead, make mistakes, acknowledge them, and learn from them. T’Challa acted and spoke from a place of ignorance when he initially became king. After coming face-to-face with the results of his country’s choice to ignore the world, he resolved to be better.
There will be no similar moment of realization from West. He will say what he thinks he needs to in order to sell records. He is the exact opposite of T’Challa, a man who ingratiates himself to whiteness for personal gain. There’s no saving a person like him, so let him go and bring back someone who wants to be a better man.
Thanos, buddy. Few things.
Come on man! You gotta fadeaway all my heroes like that? You got to slow motion particle dissolve like this is a goddamn PowerPoint presentation? What fucking part of that was merciful? Leaving us behind to watch that shit.
Ok, maybe I’m a little hurt right now and I’m coming off as a bit rash, but I do want ask one favor. See, out of the two white men who supposedly mastered Asian inspired mystic parts, Danny Rand, is still in NYC. And like, I don’t care too much for Dr. Strange, but he did give you a good deal and he actually was watchable. Danny Rand punched a dragon off-screen and then forgot how to use it. That’s the ultimate waste of resources right? Actually, keep Strange, take Rand. Can I get Mantis and Drax back instead?
We really need to talk about weighted averages. I get it, the whole “no bias” thing in the worst lottery ever. But you can’t be trusting your RNG like that, T. Earth’s 8 richest people have 50% of the world’s combined, and you decided to take T’Challa over Stark? Nah, roll that shit back and reverse it. Tony is the worst type of capitalist, and T’Challa is a freaking philanthropist. Like your typical American capitalists is worth like at least 10,000 civilians who ain’t do nothing but honest work.
Plus, your whole system left behind a lot of unsavory people that are just going to take advantage of the situation you just crafted. Between you and me, you can take them. Maybe give us Groot for any one subscribed to any of the subreddits I’ve included in the Appendix. But also, you can prolly take them anyways. It’s more generous deal than the other Fade Trade Association members will give you.
Save Spiderman, Fade Trade Moneybags from Spyro and Ashley Graham from Resident Evil 4.
Not the homie Spiderman. Not him. So many tears were shed when he vanished into thin air. Imma pour one out for you! I’d happily trade Spiderman for Moneybags. Where do I even start on this guy? He’s annoying, his character design sucks, and his presence is just unnecessary.
He is worse than Navient, Sallie Mae, and all of those money hungry companies combined. Homie would pop up at the most inopportune time. When you feel like you’re making progress in the game, you meet up with him and he’s practically like “run yo pockets or you’re not crossing this bridge.”
Like bruhhhhh. You can’t learn some new abilities without paying him. You can’t open some portals without paying him. Then the worst part is in Year of the Dragon, he comes up with this “master plan” that he can make more money by holding people hostage. Like why is this guy even allowed to be in games? He places money over EVERYTHING! And will stop at nothing to get it. You can’t even learn how to swim without passing him a ton of gems. *sigh*
Now that I’ve vented on him, lemme get a few bars on Ashley Graham from Resident Evil 4. So you’re sent off to rescue Ashley, who is the president’s daughter. Once you find her, your main mission is to keep her alive which comes very annoying and dull. She whines a lot, slows you down and she just becomes the confirmation and prime example of why you don’t want kids. Son, when she gets recaptured it’s pretty much a big relief. Then she just happens to get a parasite implanted in her body that would turn her into a bigger inconvenience. *shrug emoji*
Thanos, you need to rethink your decisions and start fading out the people who need to vanish.
“How many more Black Gods got to die?” – Gravediggaz, “The Night The Earth Cried”
TRADE IN – Heimdall
Although Heimdall is definitely chilling in Valhalla and Idris Elba’s contract was up, along with his interest in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, I gotta pull out that Time Gem and bring back our Nubian-Asgardian champion. Although he died a noble death and was able to send Bruce Banner to Earth to warn the Avengers of Thanos’ imminent arrival, some sacrifices are just too costly. As the All-Seeing and All-Hearing guardian of Asgard and the Rainbow Bridge, Heimdall was one of the realm’s greatest warriors. Although he was vastly underused, or indisposed, in the first two installments of Thor, Heimdall became the Asgardian Moses in Ragnarok, helping its remaining inhabitants flee the destruction wrought by Hela. A true team player and Thor’s only hope for a ticket to the Lauryn Hill “Miseducation Anniversary Tour,” Heimdall shall rise again.
“Let the dark magic flow through me one last time…” – Heimdall, Infinity War
FADE OUT – Sammy Sosa aka the Albino Michigan J. Frog
“…but very white man is an albino or a bleached one…” Schopenhauer, “Sex & Race, Vol.1”
At the beginning of his baseball career in 1989, Sammy Sosa had the complexion of a strong Dominican coffee bean. Fast forward to 2018, and Sammy Sosa is more translucent than an episode of Friends. Self-hatred is real. One of the quickest ways to lose any and all respectability in the eyes of the Universal Melanated Kingdom is skin-bleaching. Now, Vitiligo is one thing; however, if said disease so happens to come with a pair of loafers, pastel summer suits, and a sudden predisposition to talk salty about Black people, then Vitiligo is more serious than we could have ever imagined because it whitewashes the soul as well. Own your pathology, sir. Don’t blame genetic diseases.
Deuces, SS. Heimdall got next on the game of Spades for the Juneteenth cookout.
Everyone of my team has come out the gate swinging so I’mma keep mine short. I wanna trade Taylor Swift for Scarlet Witch. One useless white woman for one who can at least destroy an infinity stone. I said what I said, don’t @ me. *drops mic*