Season: 2 / Episode: 1 / AMC
***Spoilers be walkin’ up on the flames singing MJ’s ‘So you want to be startin’ something?’***
Maaaaaaan, listen. Six Months later and gotdamn a lot of shit has changed fam! Your boy Sunny out here backpacking with the shackles under long gone highways. This shit look like the south side of Mad Max. And this is OUTSIDE of the Badlands?!?! Nah fam, if this the future, let me perform seppuku now and be reincarnated in the Horizon Zero Dawn future, yo. Bordeaux Mines aka the third year of a Trump Presidency is TERRRRRRRRIBLE, fam. They getting the pep talk that they ain’t gonna do shit here but dig, sleep, occasionally, and then die. One of the captives starts coughing and a guard says he’s ‘defective,’ so the little boss man gives him the code red. DUDE. Cuz your boy coughing. We in a dirt hole man, y’all non-clippers acting like it ain’t dusty down here? I gotta die because y’all ain’t reinvented the lozenge yet. NOBODY HAS ALERGIES IN THE FUTURE?!?!
Dude is about to get that Picker’s mercy, but Sunny, being the morally superior mass murderinging people’s champ, said nah, not on my watch fam.
GOTDAMN SUNNY. I ain’t even finished poppin’ my popcorn yet and you already out here giving out the part-time seasonal, I just want to pay for this insurance on the car my parents got me, work?! I say part-time cuz your boy can’t even use his hands or turn his head without putting the swivel on his whole upper body. Sonny out here giving that gallows work. That, we just gonna work on core at the gym today, work. Your boy claim about 4 of these heathens before they finally run that cover 2 defense and rope your boy up by his ankles. I mean…we only 2 minutes and 47 seconds into this shit. We knew Sunny wasn’t about to be ghosting this spot already.
Yo, I know some of you might be MK apologists, but fam, YOUR DUDE IS THE MOST PRIVILEGED PRICK. How you fuckin’ up the exercises and drills you’ve been practicing for six months. YOU LITERALLY DON’T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO BUT GET GOOD AT THIS SHIT. He demanding to see the master, but his acolyte lookin’ like Aloy is like, yeah, no. You ain’t ready. With your punk ass.
Sunny dreaming about Veil, cuz, come on, regardless of you are, there’s a 40% chance you were dreaming about Veil Da Fictional Bae recently. Sunny wake up from the lovely nightmare of having his pregnant bae be out of reach to the grimy ass nightmare of being chained to Bajie, the eternal warrior of never shutting the fuck up. Fam. At least my five year old takes time to breathe on occasion.
Bajie tellin’ his life story and Sunny keep searching for the complimentary earbuds with the miners helmet and pickaxe. Also, Bajie been on screen for three minutes and he’s mentioned human excrement twice in the very, physical sense. Sunny finally asked if he knows how to get out cuz seeing Veil would be cool, but escaping Bajie might be the aim at this point.
MK up in the hammock by candlelight when him and another novice hear a wail in the distance. They both spooked and MK was like, that was just the wind? Fam, the wind ain’t got no accent? Wind don’t have a dialect, yo. Keep hoping that was a breeze with personality if you want to. MK talking to Brown Boy Glorious up in the spot, talking about he wants to leave the house that Abbots built, but he wants to control his power first. Then MK gonna be like, I’m glad I don’t have to keep my power a secret.
BBG is like, Abbot-What? Sheeeeeeeeeeiiiit. Secret? Nah fam, I used to broadcast my shit like Archer saying he a secret agent. He was out here on some “Who gonna check me, clipper?”
And because MK is fuckin’ MK, he decides to go snooping around the place. He finds the compass from season one. One of the Abbots sees up in the sacred spot on some, “you in the wrong dorm, homie?” MK talkin’ about, take me to the Master so I can ask his punk ass some questions. She gonna hit him with the “Hold my broom.” Fam. FAM. MK trying to catch that broom looked like he caught the Number 1 train. With his chest. MK got force pushed across the room, just for your girl to catch him from falling. So, she got jedi powers and Minato’s transportation jutsu. Yeah…she’s the master, yo. And also, that’s the move from here on out. Anytime you about to deliver the fade to someone, you can hit them with the, ‘oh word. Hold my broom right quick?’
MK mad cuz she won’t teach him how to control his power yet, BECAUSE HE’S PROVEN ABOUT 3 TIMES IN THE FIRST 10 MINTUES OF THIS EPISODE HE’S NOT READY. She’s like, aiight, bet, you can leave, if you can make it past this dope origami and not lose your shit.
NOPE. Cut on the cheek. Then eyes go eight ball. Then he tries to give the king’s justice to the master and she blocked that shit like Finn Jones did after being criticized on twitter about Iron Fist. She hit your boy with the Kung Lao pressure points and made MK simmer down real quick. They take MK away and the master is like, ok, since y’all ain’t lookin’ LET ME PUT THIS BONE BACK IN MY ARM WHERE I BLOCKED HIS PUNCH?!?! Clipper, what? I know you were proving a point and all, but the Badlands fighting game don’t have a dodge button? All you got is block? Damn man.
Man, we almost twenty minutes in and Sunny just now taking his shirt off. Surprised viewers weren’t lighting up the message boards complaining about that shit. Of course, taking off your shirt ain’t just some casual shit when you got the entirety of the NY transit map tatted across your latissimus dorsi. This dude Bajie gotta be the most well read failed thief ever cuz this dude can tell from jump that Sunny is/was a clipper and starts naming the factions like they 3rd graders that had to memorize the presidents and shit. Bajie is like, yo, I know you trying to choke me out right now and it’s not affecting my voice-box whatsoever, but you hold some value up in here. But don’t worry, I ain’t no snitch…
The entertainment for the night in the Bordeaux Mines, watching a dude literally take people apart gladiator style. I guess these the poor bastards that didn’t meet their quota. Sunny looking at these dudes getting their limbs snapped like slim jims and saying…yeah…I could do that shit.
Damn, Fort. In Season one, you were the spot, Fort. The Fuck happened to you. The Fort lookin’ the grapes of wrath out this muthafucka. The Fort look like what happens AFTER the rapture.
Ryder and Jade lookin’ fresh to death, since they been living in Jacobee’s mansion. Somehow, the fragile dude in the Badlands has three territories and the respect of every other Baron? How the fuck some insecure, ill-equipped bastard living off of his father’s legacy and deception of simple minding folks seize total control like that? Oh…wait…gotdamit.
They roll to the oil refinery to handle some business and the guard already there. But wait…TILDA I DID NOT COME TO PLAY WITH YOU HEAUXS out here getting her Solid Snake on and stealthily taking out Ryder’s clippers. Ryder pissed that the production of oil is dropping off, but the cogs been deserting and defecting to the Widow. Apparently the Widow been quiet for a minute so YOU KNOW WHATS ABOUT TO GO DOWN.
Tilda set the shit off by blowing up the barrels and MA DUKES ROLLED UP IN THE WAKE OF THE FLAMES LIKE YOU ARMADILLOS DON’T WANT NO TROUBLE. I’m sorry man, Widow is the truth the apostles were talking bout. Sword game crazy. She out here dodging arrows, running on fucking banisters, Beatrice Kiddo muthafuckas left and right. VIGOROUS HAND CLAP AIN’T NOBODY FUCKIN’ WITH WIDOW. As dope as Sunny is, I hope he get some more reps in before he come back to the Badlands, cuz Widow look like she been in the gym AYE DAY. Twice a day. In Heels. And a gotdamn corset. JESUS.
After her own personal genocide, she lets Jade live, but tells her to deliver a message: PUNKS JUMP UP TO GET CUT DOWN.
Back in the Mines, Sir Talks A Lot comes through with a map for Sunny, and Sunny sets the plan in motion to escape. Dude gonna say fuck his quota and get thrown into the mousetrap against the Human compactor. Cuz that sounds like a great idea. Bajie wants to roll with him and Sunny is like, yeah, hard pass. So Bajie start working on his own self improvement, nahmean. He jacks this fellow picker for a ring she found and gets himself an audience with the Steve Bannon of the Mines. When he wants to sweeten his reward, HE DON’T EVEN HESITATE TO SNITCH ON SUNNY BEING A CLIPPER I SAY GOTDAMN MAN? That shit was way too easy for him.
At the Widow Estate, it looks like the Monarch Butterfly crew taking refuge in the last conservatory on Earth. Widow looking at a locket of a young boy from long ago? [ponders in intrigue]. The ranks are growing and Widow having some reservations about leading these folks to the next step, but Tilda is like, Bish, you got this. They go to the food stations and meet some of the women that were kept as Dolls under the rule of the Fort. Widow, lets the folks know they are only here by their own accord. Some leftover clippers from Ryder’s crew are like, OH WORD, WE CAN LEAVE? Widow is like…yeah, you ain’t doing nothing but upping the worthless testosterone around here anyway. Kick rocks if that’s what you need to do.
Back to MK back to sparring with Ava the Blonde Aloy and getting the brakes beat off him. The master rolls up and says she taking the wheel on this particular shitty patch of highway. Someone, anyone, especially now that we see there are plenty of folks like MK, gotta tell me why this muthafucka is special. I’m vexed yo, I’m terribly vexed.
Remember them muthafuckas that took their happy ass on the road after Widow let them go, assuming they were gonna go back and meet up with the rest of Ryder’s fam. Nah, me neither. Or rather, nobody gonna remember these dudes anymore.
Tilda met these cats on the road, on some Bronx Tale “Now you can’t leave” shit. Tilda fuckin’ collllllld blooodedddddddd. She out here on her own accord, no-Widow approval, just straight up Rogue Nation on massacring these dudes.
In the Mines, Sunny best laid plans are straight up LANDFILL now that Sir Talks A Lot snitched up a blue streak to the boss. They come and take Sunny away, cuz dude is celebrity now and they don’t want the paparazzi getting to him. I assume Bajie got some sort of a plan and trying to throw this shit left…but he could also just be an asshole two. I mean, he did cold cock a woman for a ring she found in the dirt to get this plan started so, [Tilda Shrug].
And Finally! In the last scene, no dream sequence, that is VEIL DA FICTIONAL BAE in the Flesh. Mantock BAAAAACCKKKKK. And the new baby being born. Everybody look healthy…ain’t gonna say nothing about how pale that Blasian baby look, but…
— Black Nerd Problems (@BlkNrdProblems) March 20, 2017
But the important part is that Veil is back in our lives. With a baby…boy? Wait…who the fuck said…Quinn? Fucking Quinn still breathing? Sunny done killed the population of Vermont and he don’t know a kill stroke when he swings it? Gotdamn man. Things are as bad as they’ve ever been.
If you missed the recaps of Into The Badlands from last season, you can find them here.