‘Jungle Cruise’ Review: The Rock’s Charisma and Emily Blunt’s Hijinks Couldn’t Save This One

If Indiana Jones and Lara Croft had a baby and that baby dropped grew up to be an accountant instead of a renowned archeologist or explorer, that would equal the same disappointment that Jungle Cruise is. Just cringe-inducing line after line being thrown at the audience while The Rock smiles his way through horrific writing, and Emily Blunt outwits the nefarious men who look down on a woman in pants. Jungle Cruise is exactly what you think it is. Part ripoff, part actor-driven, and all Amazon escapades that hope to capture the hearts of its young viewers. Bast, I hope the kids hate it too, because I really don’t need a franchise of these amusement park-inspired movies.

Who wants this?

I wanted to see this film because of my affinity for the Amazon. I’m about that nature life. I request PTO on Shark Week, Planet Earth is the Godfather, and 90’s Discovery Channel was the Bible. What wonders do the rainforest still hold, and why has it been shrouded is so much the mystery for centuries? Let’s dive a little deeper into Jungle Cruise to see where they went wrong. Set the Stage & Cue the Cast Before we begin the big adventure, we need an ever-endearing reason why such a pleasant looking lady would place herself in a dangerous environment like the Amazon. How about a tree possessing incredible powers? The ability to revolutionize modern medicine with a value rivaling Germany’s bullets. Oh, you didn’t know there was a Germany storyline? Better buckle your sicherheitsgurt, becau…