Orphan Black Recap: Insolvent Phantom of Tomorrow

Season: 3 / Episode: 9 / BBC America

Yep Clone Club, fam, we back in London, even though we’ve never been, but half the cast speaks with a British accent so it feels like home. I’m gonna keep it One Hunned, watching Siobhan the Bomb’s old stomping grounds been a long time coming, ever since we saw her put in the wetwork on that family in the country last season. Also, she let folks know off the top that this ain’t a pleasure trip back to the old neighborhood.

Den Mother is giving the aptitude test to Rudy and he’s having a hard time. FINALLY. Can we put Rudy on that trip to fuckboy Valhalla yet? His days are counting down and he knows it, but Den Mother is convinced they can find the original Castor in time to save him. But seriously, we’ve waited this long, take your time with that…

Let me just say, watching Helena teach little Gemma how to strike when vulnerable and gouge someone’s eyes out for her martial arts competition brought me mass amounts of joy. If Vernita Greene aka Copperhead from Kill Bill had taught her daughter that kind of training, I’m guessing the little talk that the Bride has with the little girl would’ve went differently.

Back in the Pub in jolly old England, Siobhan is catching up and the learn that the Castor original is an ex con. Old boy goes to check out the lead. Back in Alison’s Campaign Headquarters, Gracie is acting mad shady about taking a quick leave and Donnie JUST woke up from that ass whuppin’ he got from Jage. But… shit gets worse. Jage sent his henchman to grab the product because his petty ass ended the business relationship. Pouchy wants his shit back, but the only product they storing right now are Helena’s frozen eggs in a nitrogen canister. Thug Life takes it as collateral until they get the pills back.

Scott and Cosima are trying to run this counter intelligence and figure out if Shae is really the spy or if this is a TV red herring where they set up 17 different coincidences. Really up in the air at this point. But Cosima, First of Her Name, Warden of making terrible decisions, decides she’s gotta go back to Delphine and tell her the suspicions she has about Shae.

Back in the pub, three men show up talking tough, but they are actually Siobhan’s old band, back when she was rockin as Mrs. S and the Geriatric Wankers (dibs on that band name if any of y’all get ideas).

Terrance got some info on the Castor lead, but when you show up at your spot and a man is dressed in all black, with an extension cord in his hands, but ain’t sayin shit, that’s a really bad sign for your future prospects. This dude getting dragged around his apartment like a rag doll by a todler as the henchmen from Topside is basically on one of those “destroy as much property as possible in the allotted time” missions from Saint’s Row or some shit.

Meanwhile, Siobhan Franklin, Aretha Sadler, out here Rolling in the Deep on these cats at the pub.

OK, seriously BBC, who isn’t gonna watch a two-part special that is all Siobhan’s origin story in England before she took in Sarah and Felix. I HAVE ALREADY SET ASIDE THOSE TWO HOURS ON ALL MY SATURDAY NIGHTS, BBC, DO IT FOR THE FANDOM!

In between encores, Siobhan sees that Terrance called, but he can’t pick up the phone right now because he’s too busy getting beaten to death.

Back in the lab, Helena is doing what most of do when we’re baking the product in our garage, listening to some classic pop music.

Gracie comes and says goodbye, even though she’s only supposed to be going to a doctor appointment. But Helena doesn’t really have to time to analyze that because she sees Donnie sneaking into his own crib looking like he just came from Fight Club. Donnie tries to pass that shit off like he ran into a post while jogging, but Helena know what assault looks like and ain’t buyin’ that shit. She gives him the same treatment Jack Murdock used to get from Matt while Donnie tells her the truth.

Damn. Cosima used to be running this lab. Now security gotta walk her through the halls so she don’t steal no equipment and shit. Delphine giving Cosima the cold shoulder, but they need to know who tipped off Castor about the book since they might be in London trying to track down the original too. Delphine look at Cosima like… Oh… I got this shit.

While nursing Donnie back to health, he tells Helena that the criminal element got her tank full of babies. Helena was ready to get back to the murda muzik right then and there, but Donnie talks her down, saying she’s on a different path with a family now.

In London, they finally get to Terry’s spot and he lookin’ like he went through a wood chipper and got put back together. Shit is all bad, fam. He whispers a secret to Siobhan and she’s too messed up to share with Sarah and Felix. S. says they are done in London, but you tell me the last time Sarah did some shit she didn’t want to do. Sarah will put your moms in danger and give two fucks about it if that’s how she gets what she’s after. She tracks the lead from Terry’s phone and drags Felix along to find the contact.

Donnie gets to Pouchy’s spot with the product but he wants the tank back. And then… he asked to be reimbursed for the pills. This cat. But here to save the day is HelenAlison.

And if this shit wasn’t ominous enough, yes that is the same white coat that Alison was wearing when she watched her neighbor choke to death. Just sayin. They give her the tank back, but now they the expect Bubbles to be a money laundering spot for them.

Donnie tries to just take this shit on the chin and get out of there with their lives, but then this heiffer start talking about, we know where Oscar and Gemma go to school. Well… that was fun. She was a very pretty woman for that very short life she had…

Yo…Delphine is reallllly growing into this this shadow ops shit, ain’t she?

Shae thinking to herself, “I told myself after the last time to never get caught up with white dreadlocked women in random coffee shops. I never learn.”

So dude driving the taxi saw the jig from jump and he’s about to play the end times with Felix until Sarah name drops herself. Apparently, EVERYBODY in England knows Sarah Manning from the old days. He gives them the paperwork saying the Castor original was Kendall Malone and they’re local.

Donnie is one the phone with Alison when Helena finally walks out of the building looking like she was in the raptor pit in Jurassic World and SHE won. Sorry to give you two Kill Bill references in one recap, but she lookin’ like the O-Ren Ishii origin story.

But… seriously, people out here running errands and doing their banking right across the street, I need Donnie to have less questions.

Delphine up in Shae’s spot running the bathwater, but this shit ain’t about relaxing. Ain’t no Mr. Bubbles appropriate for the shit Delphine got planned when she pulls that razor out. Delphine tells a story about a girl who tried to commit suicide in the tub while they were in boarding school. Delphine didn’t say if ol girl tried to commit suicide because Delphine was stalking her or not though…

Lawd. Benedict Gracie Arnold. She really was cast out, taken in by the people she called abominations, then turned on them first chance she got to be with Mark. Remember when we all felt sorry for Gracie when the Westboro Baptist Church threw her out? Nah, me neither.

Cosima has to tell Delphine who the real spy was and you know Delphine is mad on MULTIPLE levels.

That awkward moment when you are at your ex-girlfriends’ girlfriends’ house and are about to torture her for info, but find out she wasn’t the source, but then you gotta decide if you feel like torturing her anyway because you already spent money on gas to get here.

Sarah and Felix are outside The Original’s apartment and Sarah has been convinced by Siobhan that they need to die to stop all this shit. Of course Felix stay telling Sarah how bad her ideas are, but since he never does anything to stop her, he might as well be mute.

Sarah up in Castor #1’s spot and is surprised when the resident is an old woman. Sarah is like, where’s Kendall at, and the woman is like, how you know my real name?

Siobhan comes up in the spot too talking about, “Hi Mom.”

So listen, I’ve watched this episode twice now and I’m still not 100% what the fuck is actually going on and I don’t have time to make a flowchart for y’all (or me, for that matter). So, Duncan was testing the inmates, Siobhan’s mum ate her male twin in the womb and absorbed his power/dna, so she’s the Castor original… but also Leda.

Siobhan wants to destroy every piece of DNA in the house… including the original donor’s DNA, but Sarah says they need her since she’s the blueprint for the clones… and also Sarah’s sister… sorta. I guess. I’m going to be honest, I have no fucking idea.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

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